He's not cheating on me, is he?
by lumae
Summary: Delve into a world of debauchery and deceit, where Meredith is forced to ask the biggest question about her marriage. Can she ever forgive the seemingly unforgivable and what else lurks around the corner?
1. Chapter 1

I think this story is probably just going to be a short one shot but who knows, it was prompted from the end of episode 11x15 and the sneak peeks from 11x16. To be honest, I don't think Derek will have cheated, at least not physically on Meredith, unless Patrick Dempsey wants out so they are trying to make it seem good for Derek to disappear. But anyway this story is about what if he actually did cheat.

* * *

"He's not cheating on me right?" Meredith asked, only to be met with silence.

"He might be." Alex finally said.

"What the hell Karev!" Maggie shouted as she swung herself down from the top bunk.

"Of course he's not cheating on you Meredith" Maggie said as she sat on the bed next to her.

"He's done it before, met a girl, fell in love, started over" Meredith said.

"Do you want to know how I know this, because I'm that girl." She says.

"I'm the girl he left his wife for, who he left his whole other life for and now he's doing it again with some girl in DC who is tall and has perfect hair."

"You hair's nice" Maggie says "unlike mine which is a frizz ball of untamable mess."

"The thing is" Meredith says flipping the phone around in her hand.

"It's different this time, he has, we have children, how could he cheat."

"Look he's not cheating on you, the dude's so in love with you it makes my teeth hurt." Alex finally says, trying to ebb the flow of Meredith dark and twisty spiral.

"He probably just left his phone somewhere by mistake and it rang so some one picked it up" Alex offers.

"You said it yourself Alex I have the perfect marriage with no husband and even if someone else answered then why didn't she say who it was" Meredith asks.

"I don't know, maybe she stole it, a thief wouldn't say who she was." Alex says.

"Or maybe she is socially awkward, and hates talking on phones." Maggie suggests.

"With a tall and perfect hair voice, I doubt it."Meredith replies.

"Hey you can look good and be socially awkward" Maggie defends.

"Yeah look at kepner" Alex jokes.

"It could be a million different reasons, Meredith, don't jump to conclusions, wait for Derek to call and you can ask him then." Maggie says.

"I know but still." Meredith says as her phone begins to buzz.

"It's Derek" She says.

"well go on answer it" Alex nudges.

"I don't know if I want to. what if i answer it and he tells me my marriage is over." Meredith says.

"Just Answer It!" Both Alex and Maggie shout.

"Hello" Meredith says holding her breath.

"Meredith" Derek's voice sounds flustered and high than normal, like when he's done something wrong and he's been caught and Meredith's stomach starts to sink and fill with dread.

"How are the kids" He mumbles.

"They're fine" She says, waving at Alex and Maggie to leave.

"Zola's been ask when you're coming to visit again and Bailey, well Bailey has just decided he doesn't like mashed carrot and pumpkin anymore, so there's that." Meredith rambles trying to been normal.

"God I miss them" He says.

"I'm sure they miss you as well." She says as an awkward silence engulfs the conversation.

The tension is almost palpable, Meredith is sure something is definitly wrong. She is sure that Derek knows, she know something is wrong as well. A part of her wants to carry on with the mundane, wasp like conversation, to ignore the tall girl with perfect hair, to pretend like everything is the same and that nothing has changed

"I called before." Meredith says.

"I, Meredith" Derek says

"No, don't let me, let me say my piece and then you can talk."

"I called to tell you, to tell you that I haven't lost a patient since November 14th. To tell you that since you left I have saved 89 people and not lost a single person on my table. I called to tell you that the kids are doing great, I'm being awesome and that we are great, that it's working and we're working and then some random tall lady with perfect hair answers your phone and it suddenly became very clear to me, that maybe we are not fine. Who why she and why was she answering your phone?" Meredith finshes.

"Her name is Natalie Hughes, she's a neuroscientist, doing some post doctoral work, on neurological diseases. She's actually doing some really interesting work and is getting some fantastic results." Derek says, ernestly.

Meredith can't believe how nonchalant he is, and she can feel her face staring to burn with the anger that is boiling inside of her.

"Are you sleeping with her."

"I" he stutters.

"I think we need to have this conversation in person." He says.

And there it was Meredith thought as the furnace of dread exploded inside her.

"I'll catch the next plane to seattle, I can be there in like six or seven hours. And we can talk."

"No, Derek, you can say it now, say whatever you have to say." She says trying not to dissolve into a puddle of despair.

"Meredith I really think we need to have this conversation face to face." He pleads.

"Oh come on Derek just say it, you cheated on me, why don't you just say it now, the answers not going to change on the plane is it. Just say it." She says as a single hot wet tear etches it's way down her face.

"Fine I cheated on you." He admits

The words are like a dagger being plunged into her heart, whilst she

"Bastard." She spits, "You bloody Bastard."

"Meredith please, just listen." He says

"Why should I? Why should I Derek."

"Because I love you" He says simply.

"Then why would you cheat on me." She starts to cry.

"Please don't cry Meredith, I'm so sorry, It didn't mean anything."

"It just happened."

"How can it just happen" Meredith asks "How does it just happen."

"It just did. It was just after you cancelled on me the first time. I was upset and pissed and home sick so I went to a bar not far from here and started drinking and at some point Natalie showed up or I realised she was there and we started talking, she was also in a drinking mood, her latest grant application fell through and her research had stalled and we just started drinking together and then it was two am in the morning and for some reason we caught a cab together and then we were back at my place still drinking and the it gets hazy and then I woke up and it was morning." he pauses

"and she was in bed next to me." He final admits.

"and I've spent every day since hating myself. I feel, I feel terrible. I've been avoiding coming to Seattle because I couldn't face you and didn't want to tell you because I can't lose you Meredith, I can't I love you, I love you so much and I am so, so sorry Meredith. It meant nothing, It was nothing, it was a mistake a massive, massive mistake, and I just don't know what's wrong with me, I mean nothing I do seems to be working anymore, I can't make it right with work, with Amelia, with the kids, I mean Bailey, Bailey doesn't seem to even now who I am anymore, I know you pretend he does but he doesn't and Zola just knows I'm not there and now I've messed it up with you and I. Please say something Meredith Please."

"I don't know what, what to say. I can't do this right now, I can't." Meredith says, as the weight of the day starts to overwhelm her.

"But Derek, it's not like last time with Addison, you have children now."

"And they are more important than you and I" She says before hanging up on him and falling apart in the oncall room.

* * *

I know I said It was a one shot but as I wrote, I kind of kept getting Ideas for furthering the story so maybe it will be a multi chapter thing. Depending on what people think which probably means it won't because not many people seem to like stories where derek cheats. anyway thanks

lumae


	2. Chapter 2

So guess who had a case of insomnia last night. Me. So I decided to do a chapter two for the heck of it, regardless of whether or not anyone really cares.

* * *

As Meredith lay on the bed, tears welled in her eyes, she kept replaying the day over and over in her head. This was not how she thought it would go. It was as if the earthquake had shifted the ground out from under her, and now she stood on a pile of crumpled remains of what use to look like a great life, with a perfect family and a dreamy husband but now she couldn't help but wonder were the foundations really as stable as she had thought. Perhaps not, Derek had cheated on her and she didn't know what to make of it, or how to make the pain that had engulfed he go away, so she just buried her head in the pillow and cried and she kept crying into the pillow until she heard a knock at the door.

"Can we come back yet." Maggie voice came from behind the door.

"Yes." Meredith sniffed, sitting up and wiping her eyes.

"The dudes an arse." Alex said sitting next to her.

"Yeah a total jerk." Maggie said dragging the chair over close to the bed.

"A McBastard." Meredith said

"That's what Cristina would say."

"Okay he a mcbastard." Alex agreed trying to be cristina.

"McBastard, Oh I get Mcdreamy, McBastard, that's clever, and yeah total McBastard." Maggie agreed.

"Her name Natalie Hughes." Meredith said.

"What sort of name is Natalie." Alex said.

"It's the name skanks and Hoes have." He said.

"She's not, she's a scientist apparently." Meredith said.

"It's like all of a sudden I don't recognise my life. My husband lives in another city, my best friend lives in another country, I mean dammit, I just he cheated on me, and I said I thought he was cheating on me, but I hoped he wasn't, I could still convince myself he wasn't and now, I don't know what I'm going to do."Meredith admitted.

"How did it happen Meredith." Maggie asked.

"He said he met her at a bar."

"a bar that's so tacky."Maggie chuckled.

"I met Derek at a bar." Meredith said frowning. "joes bar."

"Oh, Well Joe's is a classy establishment and I'm putting my foot in it so I'm going to shut up." Maggie rambled, which had meredith's mind not been so congested with rage, anger and pain she might have found endearing that her sister also rambled awkwardly.

"He was drunk, apparently drinking because I didn't show up." Meredith continued.

"So he's blaming you?" Alex asks.

"No I don't know, apparently this Natalie showed up and was drinking and they ended up in bed together."Meredith said

"and he apologised and all but had a break down on the phone and I just couldn't do it. I didn't know what to do, I don't know what to do, or what will happen. I mean he can't just leave, but he already has, hasn't he and I pushed him away, I told him to go to DC, I'm like my mother."

"You're not you mother." Alec reassured her.

"Yeah you didn't give one of your kids away." Maggie chimed in and they all laughed for a moment.

"It's just, I was having such a great day and everything was working, or at least I thought it was but my husband cheated on me weeks ago and the only reason I found out was because I called and his, his, one night stand answered." Meredith said

"Wait, if he cheated on you weeks ago, why was she answering the phone." Alex asked.

"I don't know, I didn't asked, he said it was only one time." Meredith replied as the tears began to well again.

"Jerk." Alex said.

"Mcbastard."Maggie added.

"So what are you going to do." Alex asked trying to be her person, despite how much he wished for Cristina to back.

"I don't know." Meredith said. "I can't just leave him, or, I mean he doesn't live in the same house anymore, but the kids, I can't. It's not simple."

"Part of me wants to castrate him, then murder him, I just so angry, furious, with him. He's in DC, basking in the praise from the president, doing ground breaking work, being able to focus just on his research and I'm looking after his kids, working at hospital, doing my own research, saving 89 people and then cheats because he can;t cope or something."

"Plus I think he's going to catch the next plane out her and try some stupid romantic gesture crap."

"Do you want me to go kick his arse?" Alex asked, causing a brief smile to flitter across Meredith face.

"No, I think I want to go home and down a bottle of tequila." Meredith said but then she remembered she couldn't because she had to be the responsible parent and not get plastered, forget about her family and go screw some doe eyed girl.

"Zola and Bailey." She simply said.

"I'll come over and look after them."Maggie offered.  
"No, you're coming over to get drunk with me." Meredith said. "You too Alex."  
"I wish I could Meredith, I do but I promised Jo, I'd take her home tonight because her cars at the shop." Alex said.  
"Some person you are, can you take Zola and Bailey then?"

"Why don't you get Amelia to, she's not on call to night."Maggie suggested

"His sister." Meredith said, like Amelia was liable to beblamed as well.

"That's Actually nor a bad idea, she doesn't drink, she lives as your place every other night and in a lot of ways Meredith I think she prefers you to him most of the time." Alex said.

"Fine" Meredith said, scrolling through her phone.

"Hey, Meredith."

"Can you come over and watch the kids tonight." Meredith asked

"I don't think so." Amelia said.

"I just had sex, I mean it's the first time since, well since before I came here, and it wasn't just run of the mill in a dirty bar stall sex, it was amazing spine tingling, ecstasy moaning sex, so yeah no, I can't watch your kids tonight." Amelia said

"Did you have a surgery or something." She asked, as Meredith started to tear up again.

"no, umm derek, derek, he cheated on me." Meredith said

"and i'll come watch your kids." Amelia said.

* * *

Okay so it's not that long and i kind of hate it, I'm so not a fan of portraying Meredith as a weak individual but I'm like half asleep and I doubt I'll until later so I'm going for it. I think might continue this story because I kind like where it could go and all things I could do.


	3. Chapter 3

I must say I have been quite humbled by all the views and comments and the like I have received I hope I live up to what ever expectations anyone has.

* * *

"The Tequila's in the fridge, behind Bailey's sippy cup." Meredith said to Maggie as she lay a very sleepy Zola on the couch.

"I'm going to put Bailey to bed before Amelia comes over." She said, taking her son's coat of and letting it fall to the fall.

She was glad it was late and the kids were sleepy, because she didn't have the energy or heart for them tonight. They were the innocence in it all, full of Pure joy and childish wonder that was probably about to get washed all away. It really wasn't fair to them, and after all they had been through. Plane crashes, tampered clinical trials, gunshots that still rang clear and crisp in hears and so many small seemingly insignificant fights and battles and some how they had survived the tidal pool of destruction of all these events, only to probably fall to, what, she wonder, how had it got to the point where he was in another city, in bed with another women. Meredith didn't know but to be honest tonight she didn't want to replay the little moments of her life falling apart,

Meredith quickly walked through the rooms of the house her husband built, to check for any damage from the earthquake. fortunately the only damage she saw was a photo frame that had been shaken of the wall, she picked it up, and flipped it over, feeling a shard of pain as she looked at picture, it was one of the few pictures of just her and Derek, a rare snapshot taken at a few years ago before they had kids, and gun man and deadly plane crashes and slutty tall perfect haired researchers, in what was probably the only five perfect uninterrupted moments of her life. Meredith couldn't help but see the irony in the whole situation, it appeared the only thing shattered by the earthquakes seismic waves was her marriage. Meredith heard the doorbell ring and Amelia talking quickly to Maggie, so she grabbed the closet dustpan and quickly swept the shattered ruins of the picture frame into the bin, along with the perfect mocking photo, of what was but now was not.

"I'm just going to put Zola in her bed." Amelia said, placing a solemn hand on Meredith's shoulder, as she walked past muttering something about her stupid brother.

"So, shots, or the whole bottle." Maggie asked, as Meredith flopped down onto the couch.

"I think it's more of a bottle occasion" Meredith said, grabbing the bottle and taking a long sip, breathing in the burn of the liquor as it trickled down her throat.

"You know, you probably don't want to hear this now but drinking never solves anything." Amelia said as she walked back into the room.

"It numbs." Maggie said grabbing the bottle back from Meredith and taking a swig herself.

"I'm not judging, the addict is not judging" Amelia said taking a seat next to Meredith.

"Did you see it coming?" Meredith asked

"Did you see it coming, last time, did you know?" Meredith asked Amelia.

"Umm." Amelia said slowly.

"It was different last time. I mean Derek didn't cheat on Addison until after she cheated on him and I knew that she was sleeping with Mark before he knew. But i don't think he saw it coming, he was so oblivious to his marriage fading away that there's no way he could see it coming." Amelia summaised.

"Wait who's Addison?" Maggie asked, feeling once again lost in conversations of the past.

"Derek's ex-wife." Amelia said.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Maggie asked curious, by the messy lives that surrounded her.

"It wasn't my place." Amelia said.

"Plus things were different then, Addison was more of a sibling to me then he was, I was loyal, and I didn't have that sort of relationship with Derek."

"So did you see it coming this time?' Meredith asked again.

"No, not really." Amelia said.

"What do you mean not really." Meredith asked grabbing the bottle back from Maggie.

"I mean Derek's been struggling for a while Meredith. Ever since he first turned down the job. He hasn't just been fighting with you, he's been fighting with the world. Remember that day, when that patient called me a drug addict in front of everyone and he was suppose to smooth things over with Owen but he didn't at first." Amelia said.

"Yes." Meredith said.

"I came home that night, and he said he was angry and hurting everyone and he couldn't control it and that he didn't know what to do anymore."Amelia admitted.

"I told him that's what we call rock bottom, but I guess the ground still had further to fall." Amelia said

"Are you defending him?" Meredith asked, a tinge or anger flaring through her nostrils.

"No Meredith I am simply saying sometimes the struggle gets too much and then people do stupid things, instead of doing the right thing and asking for help."Amelia said.

"Stupid things like getting drunk and sleeping with a tall perfected hair woman called Natalie Hughes." Meredith said placing the bottle of tequila on the table in front of her determined not to take the same road as her husband.

"Yeah like that, or you know getting high and killing your fiance." Amelia said, "all stupid things."

"I just, it hurts, the betrayal." Meredith admits.

"The fact that he's just thrown it all away, all the fights all the passionate nights, all the small and large triumphs we've had together, it just like he's thrown our whole life together, carelessly into the wind, and I don't know if we'll be able to find all those pieces again." Meredith said.

"And that, that scares me more than anything, that we won't be able to get passed this and our existence together is over." Meredith admitted as hot tears started to well in the corners of her eyes.

"He's the love of my life, he promised me forever and he goes and cheats on me." Meredith finally concedes as the tears etch their way down her faces.

They sit there for a while, no one speaks, they just sit their, in the comforting silence, as Meredith lets go of the emotions that have she has been holding back, for longer then she cared to admit.

"You know what I did once that was so stupid, I was in college and I was really young, compared to everyone, and parents they had this perception of me as the perfect daughter and it was so smothering and I hated it and them because I just wanted to be normal and fit in. so I decided to go and buy some weed off of the local friendly campus dealer. Except it wasn't the campus dealer it was an undercover cop, who hauled my underage weed buying body off to the lock up. And then my Dad, my highly regarded legal aid lawyer dad turns up, and smooths things over, takes me home, tells me we never mention it to my mother and then hands me a packet of weed, because he thought I liked smoking it and says just don't smoke it in the house young lady" Maggie said.

"I was so mortified."Maggie admitted, causing Meredith and Amelia to laugh and Meredith to feel a bit better.

* * *

Okay so I apologise, I think I am writing myself into a cliched corner of weakening characters and just dreadful story structure but hopefully next chapter will be better, because it would be kind of pathetic if I kept getting worse. Hope you all maybe got something out of it, I'm considering changing the name of the person who was shown in the promo for next weaks episode but I don't know let me knw what you think.

Cheers

Lumae


	4. Chapter 4

So new chapter, which I prefer to the other previous chapter, though you all might not feel the same way.

* * *

"Good evening ladies and gentleman." a voice said through the cabin speakers as Derek took his seat, and smiled softly at the gentle looking old lady with a walking stick.

"No I'm flying home, I think." Derek said, rummaging through his pockets looking for his keys, only to realize in his hast he had forgotten them.

"You think." the gentle looking old lady said, raising an eye brow incredulously.

Whilst Derek did not want to admit to the gentle looking old lady, the truth was he was not sure, if he would be going home. Because he was not sure if he had a home to go to, or whether he had obliterated it from existence. It was that he thought the house he built would have succumbed to the earthquake, he was sure that would be still standing, but what he feared was the essence that transformed the wooden floors, earthen walls and bulbs into a home, would not longer exist and that he would walk into his former abode, and realize it felt as clinical and cold as the operating rooms and that it was all because of him.

"Why were you away from home." The Gentle looking but now becoming somewhat too chatty for Derek's mood old lady, asked

"I work in DC, I'm a neurosurgeon. I'm in charge of a really big project" Derek said simply, though again he felt like that was not the truth.

"That's an awful long commute." The kind, gentle looking, but now definitely too chatty and noisy for Derek's mood old lady said.

"Why don't you just move to DC.?"

"I do, but my wife and kids live in Seattle." Derek said.

"She's a surgeon too, and she has a job there that she loves, so she lives there with the kids." Derek said trying to cut off the questions from the gentle looking but definitely too chatty and nosy old lady.

"you young people these days with your ultra modern ways of living, back in my day husbands and wives lived together in the same city. I'm not judging, I'm just curious does it actually work." The Gentle looking, definitely too chatty and nosy and now wise, old lady, inquired

"It work's just fine." He lied, fed up with the conversation, he wanted to stew in his own thoughts, not talk to some stranger.

"You know it's getting late, I think I might go to sleep." he lied again, because sleep was the furthest thing on his mind.

"Alright dear"

Derek couldn't sleep, he didn't want to sleep. He wanted the plane to be landing in Seattle already, so he could go and talk to Meredith and try and make things right, even though he was not sure he could. When Addison had cheated on him, he remembered her pleading with him to stay, to listen, to talk it out, but he couldn't he could not stand to be near her, let alone listen to her excuses. He felt like hell, the was a pain, a hurt, that had consumed him when he discovered, and now Meredith, was feeling that pain, that hurt, that angst and he was to blame and that, that feeling, well that was worse than any feeling he had had before. He was the cause, he was the problem and he did not know how to fix it.

He should have told her as soon as it happened. It would have been better, less carnage, easier, because at that point it was just a simple mistake, a bad mistake, but still just a mistake. Now it was a mistake that he had kept hidden, that he had tried ignore, so now he was deceitful as well as unfaithful. He wondered why he had not told her sooner, he wanted to believe it was because he did not want to hurt her, and not knowing in some ways was better. But the truth was maybe a small part of him, was hoping she would make a mistake, she would do something wrong, a something that lessened the blow of his mistake, that made what he did, somehow more forgivable. But she didn't and he was ashamed of himself for ever, thinking she would make a mistake.

Meredith had been nothing but accommodating towards him. Fine she didn't want to move to DC and he did find that annoying and selfish but she had not stopped him from going, she had the insight to push him to go and he did love DC. He did love changing the face of medicine, making advances in neuroscience and slowly but surely unlocking so many of the great mysterious encased in suclus and gyrus folds of the brain. She made it possible for him to achieve his dreams, whilst she was bearing the brunt of the parental duties and picking up most of his board duties as well. His was jealous of her in away, she had found a way to make everything click, to balance the balls and he had dropped pretty much every ball.

He wished he could go back in time and undo so many things, not get drunk in the bar, not sleep with someone else, tell Meredith, so many things. The someone else was not the problem though, Natalie Hughes, was a talented young scientist, eager, smart, focused on what mattered. She was delving into areas that not many people had, trying to understand the forgotten diseases that still affected a lot of people. She was equally as mortified as he was, and quickly left his apartment that morning, with but a few awkward words. When he had arrived at work later that day he found her resignation on the his desk. When he went to find her, she was packing up her office, she looked up at him, her eyes filled with remorse and regret.

"I'm so sorry about last night" she had said when he had entered her lab.

"Can we talk." He had asked. "I need to explain some things."

"Okay" she had said

"But can you past me those text books" she had said pointing to the bottom shelf of her now nearly empty book case.

"I have a wife." he had said, ignoring her request, causing Natalie to roll her eyes and grab the books herself.

"I want to make that very clear, I am married, I have a wife, her name is Meredith, and we have two children." He continued

"What happened last night, was an accident, I was drunk and sad and missing my family and I made a mistake." He had said, a tear forming in his eye.

"Stop acting like you are the only one this affects." She had said, unceremoniously dumping the books into a box.

"Yes I agree it was a mistake, we were drunk and it won't happen again, heck I think after this I shall not be drinking ever again." She had admitted, staring up at him.

"I was just starting to settle in here, I had found a coffee shop I liked that wasn't too commercial, the man who I buy my newspaper from was starting to actually talk to me and I have just finally figured out the transport system. Plus my research was starting to blossom, I was making head way into the world of dystonia. I mean do you know how hard that is, to actually make head way into that, I mean I had a set back but still." She continued to ramble.

"and now I have to quit my job, find a new grant, find a new lab, a new coffee shop and figure out some where else's transport system."

"So you don't have feelings for me." he had asked, taken a back by the brashness of this previously timid and reserved woman.

"For Heaven's sake, how big is your ego, the world does not revolve around you!" She had barked.

"People have their own shit to deal with and no I don't have feelings for you, so get over yourself." She had said ,slamming the lid on the box.

"And for the record, you are like way too old and I mean I can sort of see the appeal in the hair, but to be honest you're just not might type, except from when I blind drunk apparently." She had said, shaking her head.

"Now are we done, because I'm sure human resources will have a tone of paperwork for me to fill out." She had said, picking up her box.

"You don't have to quit your job" He had said.

"If you feel comfortable working here, I don't have a problem, plus I don't think it's fair to detract from the research you are doing, so you don't have to quit" He had said.

"Thanks I guess." She had said, placing the box back on her desk..

"Are you going to tell her?" she had asked finally looking straight at him.

"I don't know."He had said, the magnitude of the events starting to sink in.

"You should tell her." She said as she guided him out of her office before closing the door in his face.

Derek had walked away slightly relieved, that Natalie wouldn't be a problem, he decided it would be best to talk to Meredith in person and scheduled a trip for the following weekend, but then somehow work had caught up to him and the more time that had passed the less he felt like telling Meredith and the more he had convinced himself that he could just ignore now here he was, on a plane, trying to get home as soon as possible. He wished he had just been up front with Meredith, like Natalie had told him to, and he made the choice in that moment to be up front and try and fix his life, to try and salvage as much of it as possible. He was going to start to face the consequences of his mistakes.

As they landed in Seattle, the Gentle looking, but definitely to chatty, nosy, judgmental and wise old lady woke up, and started to make small talk with him again.

"So why are going home to your family, what's the occasion?" The gentle looking, definitely too chatty, nosy, judgmental and wise old lady asked.

"The occasion," Derek paused trying to think of what he should say.

"The occasion, I cheated on my wife and she found out."He said.

"Bastard." The gentle looking, definitely too chatty, nosy and wise, with the worst timing, old lady said as she waked her cane across Derek's knees, before walking off.

As Derek sat there, seething pain, he could not help but wonder was this blow, dealt by the clearly not so gentle but definitely too chatty, nosy and wise old lady, only the start of the karmic retribution heading his was.

* * *

So there is that chapter, I really did kind of like writing that one and it seemed to flow better than the last


	5. Chapter 5

So here's another chapter, for those who a willing to put up with my writing, If you are one of those people, why not leave a comment let me know what you think, introduce yourself. My name is Lucy Mae but every one calls me Lumae and I like oranges. PS(you may want to go back and read the other chapters this is the third one for today)

* * *

Derek stood at the path that lead up to the front door, the house was lit up, he noticed that Amelia's car was parked on the driveway and another car which he didn't recognize, the lights where on, but the curtains had been drawn tightly shut. He wasn't sure if Meredith would even be home and on the Taxi ride over he toyed with the idea that maybe he should go to Alex's house instead, because that seemed to be Meredith's go to place since Cristina left but he decided not to, partially because he did not want Alex to break his jaw or something, even though he may have deserved it.

He groaned remembering he had left his house keys on the kitchen counter. He didn't want to ring the door bell, because he didn't want to wake up Zola and Bailey who he was sure were sound asleep. So he texted Amelia, Hoping she'd answer the door. He quickly heard footsteps and rummaging.

"Derek." Amelia hissed opening the door and slapping him across the face

"You know don't you?" he asked, rubbing his face where she hit him.

"Yes I know, and you are a Pig, a disgusting pig." She said,

"Okay I deserved that, is she okay, can I come in?" He asked.

"No, she's not okay, she's devastated and hurt." Amelia said, rolling her eyes, like what did you expect, for her to be over joyed with her husband cheating on her.

"And no you can't come." She continued

"Amelia, It's my house."He pleaded, trying to step past her again.

"I know you want to you want to come in but you can't." She said, body blocking him, from crossing the threshold.

"I need to sort this out with Meredith, let me in." He hissed, trying to keep from raising his voice, he could not understand why Amelia was being so stubborn, it was not her place to insert herself into his marriage.

"I know you want to, but not right now. Right now that is not what she wants or needs, Meredith is sleeping, and so are Bailey and Zola."Amelia said, she felt sorry for Derek, even though he messed up , she could see the pain and anguish pulling on his tired face.

"You need to go, you can't have the discussion with her, that you need to have with them here. It's not fair to them, and you can't walk back in here and not talk to Meredith. So you need to go, I'll text Owen and tell him you are coming over, and I will take the kids to the park after breakfast so you and Meredith can talk or yell or whatever."She said, starting to close the door.

"Thank you." Derek said, reluctantly.

"Derek, this is rock bottom." She said, reminding him of that conversation that day.

"I hope so" He said turning away as she shut the door. He was now a stranger in his own house.

He walked the path towards the trailer, the night was clear and windy and the trees whistled and creeked as their branches swayed in the air. He had missed the quiet of the night. In DC, he's night times where chaotic, not just the city, which of course DC was but his life. He had meetings that ran over, and research that consumed his days, he had papers to write and presentations to prepare, and people to lecture and manage he hadn't cooked a meal, or even sat down to eat one at anything but his desk in weeks. He had made very few friends, everyone was just a work acquaintance, except Natalie who despite, the awkwardness of that night, that had slowly fallen away, was the only person he had really gotten to know and in fact was starting to consider a purely platonic friend.

He stared up at the sky and realised it was a blaze with stars, he used to take Zola outside at night, before Bailey was born and show her the stars, they had not done, that for ages. Derek tried to remember the last time he had seen the stars, or even thought to look. somewhere in the chaos of his life he had forgotten about the stars and he couldn't help but wonder if that was maybe part of the problem. That his life had gotten so hectic that he could no longer keep sight of all the things that mattered to him. He was going to change he told himself and he was going to take Zola and Bailey outside at night to see the stars. When he reached the clearing where the trailer now sat, he paused, remembering all the nights he had spent in it when he first arrived in Seattle, it had been his solace from Addison and Mark, well it and Meredith and now, here he was, retreating to the trailer, this time on the opposite side.

He quickly climbed the stairs and knocked on the door.

"Derek" Owen said opening the door and letting Derek in.

"Amelia said you were coming."He continued

"How was the flight?" he asked trying to fill the awkward void that has entered the trailer.

"Do you want a drink?" Owen offered,

"I've got scotch, sparkling water."

"Do you know?" Derek asked as slight quiver filled his voice. Derek wasn't sure he wanted the world to know, but over the years he had formed a close friendship with Owen and had spent many hours with him, when Meredith and Cristina were having their girl time

"I get the idea." Owen said simply.

"You slept with someone else." Owen said.

"I did and it was the most stupid thing I've ever done and that's coming from the man who hit his mothers wedding ring into the forest with a baseball bat."

"and now you don't know how to fix it, right." Owen said, with the wisdom of someone who had been their before

"No idea." Derek admitted, start to tear up.

"You know, I cheated on Cristina." Owen said getting a glass of water for Derek.  
"I know." Derek said, everyone knew.

"what happened?" Owen asked.

"I was drunk, very drunk and it just happened, it didn't mean anything." Derek said, for what seemed like the umpteenth time.

"I love Meredith." Derek said.

"I know, do you want some advice." Owen offered

"No offence Owen but now you and Cristina are divorced and she lives in another country." Derek said, not really wanting Owens advice.

"The cheating isn't what broke us Derek, it was everything before that."Owen said

"Things haven't been great" Derek Admitted  
" Do You know that Maggie Pierce is Meredith's sister"?" Derek asked,

"I do." Owen said, it was no secret.

"She told Alex Karev before me."Derek said.

"I just, I thought, that when Cristina left, I'd be the person she turned to. I'd be the one she'd confide in, or turn to." he continued

"But I'm not. I'm her husband, but sometimes, it feels like, I'm just the father of her children, the person she yells at and her bed buddy." Derek Admitted.

"It's not why I slept with someone else, but maybe it does have something to do with it"Derek said, finally realising that maybe the cheating wasn't the problem more a symptom of a much bigger problem.

"You should get some rest." Owen said, handing a blanket.

As Derek lay down on the couch staring up at the sleek interior of his old airstream, he finally found himself, feeling like he had more control but just as he was about to drift off to sleep Owen woke him up.

"Derek," Owen said, and Derek mumbled in a haze of sleep.

"I slept Amelia."

"What" Derek said, shocked and now wide awake.

"You don't really get to judge, " Owen said,

"Not tonight anyway."

"I guess I don't, " Derek admitted,

"I am happy for you Owen." He said

"I think I may be falling in love with her." Owen said into the silence

Just don't hurt her, Derek thought, not like he'd hurt Meredith at least.

* * *

So there's that chapter done and dusted. 3 chapters in a few hours, I think that's not to shabby and whilst i could hold the finished chapters over you like some demi god, I won't once a chapter is finished I will post it, I mean it doesn't really make sense. hoarding them like a chipmunk. Have good day

Cheers,

Lumae


	6. Chapter 6

So here is the next chapter, aka the fight scene. I'm not sure if everyone will like it, or if it is the fight scene they had envisioned, but I like and I'm writing it so... Anyway hope you enjoy, and thanks for the reviews - Lumae

* * *

As Meredith sat on the couch, waiting for Derek to ring the doorbell like Amelia had told her he would before she left with the kids, she could not help but feel a bit hopeful. Derek had shown up, like he said he always would. He had hopped on a plane, and arrived as soon as he could and she didn't think he'd do that, if he was here to ask for a divorce, at least she hoped he wouldn't. She was hurt by his actions, thoroughly devastated by what he had done, how he had betrayed her, but despite her hurt, her pain, she still loved him. He was the father of her children and the only man she had ever loved, or ever would love. She did not want her marriage to be over and she did not want her children to grow up in a broken home, with parents that lived in different city's and who communicated through lawyers. She wanted to make it work, she wanted to understand what led Derek to betray her and then she saw him, as he walked up the path to the door, his eyes were red, he looked different to the last time she saw him, all weeks ago. He looked like less the person he was before he left, he'd aged and he looked distressed, to the point that Meredith couldn't help but feel sorry for him as he opened the door.

"Derek" she said standing up, a lump forming in her through as the pain and rage returned, the tears welled in her eyes and all the emotion from before seemed to flood back just as raw and open as it was before.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry." Derek said, as he moved towards her to try and console her.

"Derek, please don't" she said, moving away from his grasp, she couldn't be touched by him right now.

It felt like a dagger had plunged into his chest He hated not being able to touch her, to console her to comfort her for the pain he had caused.

"So we need to talk." He said, as he sat down awkwardly across from her. It didn't feel like his home anymore, it felt distant, not cold and sterile, just unfamiliar.

"I don't want to talk to you."She said, wiping her tears on her jumper.

"I know." He said softly. "I know you don't want to talk to me."

"I hate you" She said " I hate you so much for putting me in this position, for making me feel so weak and pathetic. I hate you and love you which is why this hurts so much."

"You said you wouldn't cheat on me, you promised." She said, referring to that day when they saw the lion.

"You lied to me and you cheated on me." She continued.

"Why did you do it Derek?" she asked.

"I was drunk."He said.

"So you've been drunk lots of times, I've been drunk lots of times and somehow up until now we have both managed to be faithful to our marriage. It's not an excuse Derek, it's a crutch, stop leaning on it and learn to walk like a man." She yelled angry that he was deflecting this.

"You didn't let me finish" He said, raising his voice for the first time.

"I've been thinking, I thought it was because I was drunk and you are right, I've been drunk before and have never cheated on you before. The reason I slept with someone else was not because I was drunk or because I was attracted to her, or because she threw herself all over me like some fawning little girl. I don't honestly know why in that moment I chose to betray our marriage, but I know it has something to do with the fact that our marriage hasn't been working for a long time and I don't think either of us has wanted to admit it." He yelled, feeling some sort of release as the words escaped his chest.

"This isn't me, I'm not the bad husband who cheats on his wife, his wife who he loves. It's not who I am, but some how it is who I've become and I hate it. I hate that we never see each other, and what ever time we spend together is consumed by the kids. I hate that you never talk to me, that I'm not the first person you turn to, that everyone else knows our private matters before I do. I hate that I had to chose between my family and working in DC."

"So what you saying that it's my fault that you cheated on me with some skank." She yelled back, as the hot tears of anger started to fall.

"No. I'm saying I know that you have a life here and that your work is as important as mine. What I am saying is that I hate that some how we now have two separate lives that don't seem to connect and I am not saying it is you fault. I am simply saying we have a problem and we need to start addressing it instead of ignoring it and growing further apart." He finally admitted

Meredith stared at him for a moment stunned, because the words he was saying were so true, they had a problem and she had known that for a while.  
"I know Derek, I know things haven't been great." She said

"Do you want to know what I was doing that weekend? The one where you were sleeping with someone else"She said angrily.

"I was not at home, in the shower in a surgery like Maggie said." She admitted.

"Where were you?" Derek asked slightly shocked.

"In a hotel by the airport." She said.

"What, were."he started before she cut her off.

"No Derek, I wasn't with someone else because unlike you I'm not a pig." She snapped.

"I wasn't cheating on you Derek, but maybe I wasn't being fair." She admitted.

"I didn't go to DC because I was scared that you wouldn't smile or be happy that I was there. I didn't want to fight with you or talk about fighting. So I went to a hotel by the airport and hide out and the scary thing was I kind of liked it, just being there by myself, being no ones mother, or surgeon or wife. I got to be myself for 48 hours. Derek I liked it. I"m not saying I don't love being a mother, a surgeon or your wife, I am just saying I am not loving my life as it is at the moment. I didn't want to leave you but I do not want to be with you right then and I knew that we had a problem then, and I like you did nothing to try and fix it. I didn't cheat on you, but I did not do right by our marriage. I lied too" she said

"So how do we fix this?" Derek asked.

"Do we fix this?" Meredith said.

"I want to fix it, I love you Meredith, you're the love of my life and I can't lose you I don't want to lose you." Derek said as tears started to run down his face.

"So do I." Meredith said, taking a seat next to him and holding his hand.

They sat there for what seemed like forever, both of their two separate worlds, falling apart together, in the silence, until Derek finally spoke up.

"I think I need to move back to Seattle." He said.

* * *

So did you like it. I feel like to me, it was very honest and open chapter where there was a lot of issues being put out in the open, which I feel sets a good foundation for the them to work the lives back together. Again thanks for reading

Cheers

Lumae


	7. Chapter 7

So I've been busy, working studying trying (and failing to scrub the spot out of the bottom of the oven but I thought it was only fair and probably really quite smart to give everyone a new chapter before the next episode comes out and you all lose interest in my story. So here it is, this chapter is more of Meredith having a voice and I think for those of you who thought I was letting Derek of the hook easily, you may enjoy this chapter a bit. so hear you go.

* * *

I think I need to move back to Seattle." Derek said.

Meredith stared at Derek, for a long time, those where the words she had wanted to here, she wanted to here her husband say he wanted to move back to Seattle, for him to realise, on his own, that this was where he was meant to be. She wanted him to be sure, sure that this was what he wanted, but now actually hearing him say those words, she could not help but feel anything but unhappy.

This was not how she wanted to hear those words. She did not want to hear them as a Hail Mary, as the last futile effort to save a potentially doomed marriage. But ow here she was, sitting next to her husband who cheated on her, who betrayed their vows of marriage, who broke the 'Post It', (okay may be she literally broke the 'Post It' but that could be easily fixed) and she decided that this was not how it was going to go done.

"I"m not sure I am ready to live with you again." She said honestly as Derek's face fell.

"Meredith Please." He begged, the desperation hung on word.

"No Derek." Meredith said very clearly, standing up to him like the strong woman she was.

"You cheated on me and I get that you say your sorry and that yes we may have some bigger problems going on. But do you honestly think that little of me, that you can cheat on me, not tell me for weeks, get on a plane and arrive here with some heartfelt story and I'd just take you back, like nothing had happened?" She asked, even though Derek already knew the answer, it was not going to be as simple as he had hoped.

"You cheated on me Derek and I want to make our marriage work, I do. I really do and I am open to working things out but it's going to take time." She said.

"It's going to take time for the pain fade" She continued.

"For me to be able to look at you and not think of some other woman kissing you, touching you with her hands, having sex with you." She said making Derek feel more and more guilty.

"Derek you do these things when things get hard, you used to say I ran, but I don't," She said. "You do."

"You run off to the woods," She said "You become distant, and moody, you leave, you cheat."

"and I am not saying this because I'm being petulant or because I don't want to work things out. I do, I do love you" She said

"but I need time to heal Derek."

"Are you saying you don't want me to come back?" Derek asked, fearing the answer would be yes.

No Derek what I am saying is, you can choose to come back, but if you come back, that doesn't make things right, we still have to work on it and until I can look at you and not imagine you with someone else. I am saying It's going to take time for me to forgive you Derek" She admitted and Derek felt a slight whisp of hope filled the room.

He had time he had all the time in the world for Meredith and he would work at repairing what he had broken he would work at being a better husband a better father, all he wanted was a chance.

"Okay, I can do that, I can rent a place or buy another trailer. I still want to be able to see the kids Meredith, I need to see them." He said

"Derek I am never going to stop you from seeing the kids." She said an open truth.

"But Derek what I am trying to say also, is I don't want you to come back, not if you don't want to, not if you are going to resent me or the kids for holding you back." She continued

"I think you need time to figure things out." She said

"You need to figure put if you can do this, the being happy, married, committed to me and the kids. you need to find a way to be balanced. Derek in some ways you being away was good for me, it let me find me. I found my balance. I found myself, as stronger, better more resilient surgeon and mother. I haven't lost a patient since you've left. You said you stayed so I could be something, so I could make something of myself and it turned out that I didn't need you, I don't need you to prove to the world that I am capable, that I am an amazing surgeon. I did that all by myself. Don't leave your job in DC because of me. Leave because you want to. Leave because you think that's the right decision for you. Because Derek I don't want you to quit your job, come back here and try and work things out, only to discover it doesn't work, only for you to resent, the kids and I for holding you back." She said sort of repeating herself.

"Meredith." Derek pleaded.

"I'm not finished," She said.

"Amelia said you've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to help you and I'm not sure that I am even the right person to help you." She admitted

"When I was struggling, I saw Dr Wyatt. She helped me, she helped me make sense of things. She helped me fix myself, so I could be with you and build this, build what was a happy, strong life with you. Maybe you need to get some help from someone else."

"Maybe I should." Derek said because perhaps that wasn't such a bad idea. It would not hurt at the very least and maybe an impartial third party would allow him to make sense of his life that he no longer recognized.

"Derek, I'll wait for you. I'll wait, it's just what if I wait for you and you realize I'm not what you want." She said, scared that their maybe a truth in her words  
"Meredith I promise you, you are all I've ever wanted." Derek promised, and all Meredith could do was hope that his word actually meant something anymore.

* * *

So there it is. I'll probably reread it later and alter any spelling/slash written sentences i find in hind sight, like I've done with the other chapters, (has anyone noticed that. Yep found some) As I said this was more of a Meredith chapter and hope you can all see that I haven't destroyed their relationship yet, just further exposed the cracks and fears of the characters. Anyway thanks or reading.

Cheers

Lumae


	8. Chapter 8

So here's the next chapter. I'm just ignoring the spot in the oven, maybe it will just disappear, in the meantime while I am in denial you get another chapter. Please note that this is the second chapter in a matter of hours and it is number 8 so if you haven't read 7 please do and thanks for all the kind and encouraging reviews, much appriciated - Lumae

* * *

"Hi." Meredith said into her phone.  
"Meredith, omigod, I haven't spoken to you in weeks, I thought you might have fallen of the face of the planet or something." Cristina said, sitting up at her desk.

"I tried face timing you." Meredith said.

"Really, I'm sorry I can't seem to find my Ipad, I know it's on my desk, somewhere, hidden under all this bloody paper work I have to do." Cristina said staring at the papers strewn all over her desk, God she hated paper work.

"So how are things, how are Kepner and Avery going after you know, and Zola and Bailey, you have to send me more pictures." Cristina prattled unaware of the gravity of the conversation she had just walked into.

"Derek cheated on me." Meredith said.

"He what." Cristina yelled down the phone as she rifled through the papers on her desk, looking for her Ipad.

Meredith didn't want to repeat it, she was sick of having to say it, it was like every time she said it, the hurt became larger, so she hung there in the silence, marred only by the shuffling and crashing of papers.

"Here, found it, Facetime, now, Meredith." Cristina demanded, hanging up.

Meredith sighed as the image appeared on the screen, it was one thing to call her person up and admit that she had been right but it was another thing all together to have to face her.

"So he cheated on you."Cristina said.

"That McBastard." Cristina declared causing Meredith to grin for just a second.

"I knew you'd say that" Meredith said.  
"So who was she, do I know her, what's her name?"Cristina asked.

"No you don't know, she lives in DC" Meredith said, slightly peeved that Cristina seemed to be more interested in who Derek cheated on her with, rather than the fact that he cheated on her.

'She's a Neuroscientist" Meredith said, disclosing one of the few pieces of knowledge she had on this mystery woman.

"What's her name, did he tell you her name."  
"Why does it matter? Why do you need to know." Meredith asked.

"So we can stalk her." Cristina said like it was the most obvious conclusion.

"Natalie Hughes." Meredith said as Cristina started to pound away at her keyboard.

"Wow." Cristina said.

"Wow that's what you've got to say." Meredith hissed.

"I mean who's person are you?"Meredith tried to joke.

"No I mean Meredith Wow, you should see the research body she has." Cristina said turning her computer screen to face the Ipad.

Meredith squinted, trying to read the portfolio of research the mystery woman had and she couldn't help but be somewhat impressed. She still loathed the notion of the tall perfect haired woman who had slept with her husband but she could not fault her work. Natalie had published multiple ground breaking findings and had a whole slue of scientific awards and papers credited to her name.

"That is impressive." Meredith had to admit, as much as a part of her didn't want to give that person any praise.

"Still she's only a scientist, I mean come on Meredith, she has nothing on you. You save lives, she tinkers with test tubes and pipettes." Cristina said trying to perk Meredith up.

"I haven't lost a patient since Derek left." Meredith told Cristina.

"Eighty-Nine." She said.

"I've saved eighty nine people. You were right I am the sun. I am important and just as good a surgeon as he is. I printed a tumor to get better visualization and saved a woman's life. I found a tiny tumor on some lady's' pancreas, that no one thought was there and saved her life. I've been awesome, shining bright, without Derek's shadow being cast over me and diminishing who I am." Meredith said, proudly boasting her latest achievments to her friend.

"Printing a tumor to get better visulization that's genius Meredith." Cristina said, pondering the applications this could have at her hospital.

"Focus Cristina." Meredith said.

"Oh right."Cristina said, trying to be helpful.

"So are you going to leave him?" Cristina asked being blunt as usual, which generally was one of the many things Meredith loved about her friend but not so much today.

"I" Meredith stumbled, she didn't know.

"Come on Meredith it's a simple question yes or no." Cristina said.

"I don't think it is. I don't think the question is am I going to leave him. I think it is can I make this work, or should I make this work." Meredith said, as she started to remember that her Cristina where somewhat different.

"It's not about divorcing him, or staying married. I don't think that's the point." Meredith said.

"Well then what is the point?" Cristina asked.

"Because my one good relationship, consisted of a trauma induced wedding, an abortion, a cheating husband, a divorce and me setting up online dating profiles for him." Cristina said, not sure if she had the right emotional development to help her friend through this situation.

"The point is I don't know what to do Cristina." Meredith admitted.

"My Husband seems to be falling apart and taking our marriage with him. He came here and told me that our marriage has been struggling for a while and the thing is he's right." Meredith said.

"And I didn't want to admit it, neither of us admitted it until I found out that he cheated on me. How is it that it took something like that for us both to admit we have a problem?"Meredith asked.

"I don't know Mer." Cristina said glancing at her watch, she had a surgery soon, but talking to her friend seemed more important than prepping.

"A few weeks ago, I was going to visit Derek but instead I spent the weekend by myself in a hotel room. I knew then that we had a problem but I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything about it and I feel like maybe this is a bit my fault." Meredith said.

"Meredith." Cristina said.

"No, Cristina, I knew we had a problem and maybe I didn't stick my junk places it should have been and I do hate Derek for what he did. There would have been other ways to deal with the situation and I don't blame myself for Derek cheating on me, I don't feel guilty that he slept with another woman, I feel angry and pissed and hurt. I'm not to blame for him being an adulterous bastard but I am to blame for letting our marriage get to this point, that's not just on him." Meredith said.

"Okay." Cristina said not sure what Meredith wanted from her except to be a sounding board.

"I just wish I knew what to do." Meredith said.

"Do you love him?" Cristina asked.

"Yes." Meredith said instantly.

"I will always love Derek."

"Then you fight, you work it out, that's what you do and it may not be easy but if you love him, it worth doing Meredith." Cristina said, trying to bestow some zen wisdom on her friend.

"But is love enough look at you and Owen." Meredith said.

"Yes, where it counts love is enough." Cristina said.

"God I miss you." Meredith said.  
"Me too." Cristina said as silence filled the air.

" I've got a surgery to get to anything else new." Cristina finally asked.

"You hired my sister as the head of cardio, so there's that."Meredith said.

"I've been gone way to long." Cristina said

"You have." Meredith as Cristina disappeared from the screen.

* * *

I decided to keep calling the other woman Natalie Hughes, no one seemed to object, plus I don't think my story is exactly the same as the show at this point anyway so the hells with it and on the topic of Natalie I know most of you readers probably don't quite like her popping up in most chapters but the is a reason and a plan go with it, you'll like it. Also because my story is not the show, I got to have a Cristina appearance, which as it happens is the first step in Meredith's growth. Anyway hope you enjoyed

Cheers

Lumae.


	9. Chapter 9

Next chapter. So I wasn't going to actually continue this story after a few very poignant and nasty comments, where the face less guest decided to tel me I was a murderer and a hack who was defacing the epic characters of Grey's Anatomy and that they would find where I lived and murder me. Super funtastic, right. But I decided to ignore their faceless taunt because lets be honest, if they really meant something they'd put their actual name to it. So here's my next chapter. come get me - Lumae.

* * *

Derek had spent the afternoon with Zola and Bailey, making his desire to move back to Seattle all the more intense. He had missed the simple things, like playing with his kids. Bailey, in particular had grown up so much in the months he had been in DC. Zola spent most of the time clinging to her father. Derek played with his kids, promised them that he'd be back soon and that they would see him every day. He promised Zola he would take her fishing and that they would sit outside at night and watch the stars illuminate the night sky. Though when he called up the President to try and resign, his new found happiness soon found itself falling away, out of reach.

"So what he just said you couldn't resign, you couldn't quit." Owen asked, perplexed, as they sat outside of the trailer with Amelia, waiting for the grill to heat up so Owen could cook dinner.

"Yes. He said that it was my duty to stay, that the brain initiative would crumple without my guidance.I even gave him the name of several over qualified people who would jump at any opportunity to take my job and nothing" Derek said, rubbing his forehead, he just couldn't seem to make sense of the situation.

"Did you tell him why?" Amelia asked.

"Yes and believe me it was not easy admitting to the President of the United States, that the reason I wanted to leave the biggest opportunity of my career, was because I was unfaithful to my wife." Derek admitted, much to Amelia's delight as she laughed.

"I'm sorry Derek but that is Hilarious, I mean not the cheating part, you're an asshole and a pig, but the admitting to the most powerful guy in the world that you had an affair and now you need to move back home. Gosh your balls have shrunk." Amelia cackled.

"Or grown." Owen said, finding an almost honorable quality in the candor of Derek's words, had he been in the same position he was not sure that he would fess up to the President.

"I just don't know what to do now. He won't let me quit. I want to move back. I want to be with Meredith. I want to fix things with her. I want to see my kids everyday. I've been miserable in DC. Burying myself in work. I can't go back there. I can't and I don't want to." Derek said feeling defeated.

Owen stared at his friend and he couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Yes Derek had brought much of his pain onto himself but now when the man was trying to fix it, trying to make things right, he was staring at an almost insurmountable road block.

"Here" Owen said, grabbing a beer from the cooler next to him.

"You need this." Owen said offering the beer to Derek.

"I don't drink anymore, not since that night." Derek said refusing the beer.

"Are you?" Amelia started to ask.

"No, I am not an alcoholic Amelia. I don't need to drink, I don't have a drinking problem, I just create problems when I drink." Derek muttered.

"Well big brother." Amelia said, secretly proud of her brother's decision to make a change in his life.

"Welcome to a life time of being sober." She said wrapping her arm around him.  
"Though I am still very angry with you." She hissed before getting up to help Owen cook dinner.

"Well, just so you know, when you work things out with the President, there is a job waiting for you at Grey Sloan." Owen said.

"But you'll be working under me." Amelia added.  
"I can do that. I can work under you. I will do anything to be with Meredith again." Derek said.

"Are you sure you want?" Amelia asked, much to Derek and Owens surprise.

"What." She said staring at both their gaping mouths.

"Look I know you want to be with Meredith, that part I get but are you sure you want to work under me. That's a massive step back in your career and I am just asking are you sure that's the right decision?" Amelia asked again.

"Amelia this is my marriage, we are talking about and I will do anything to save it." Derek stated flatly.

"I know that, but will you just shut up about fixing it and listen. Your marriage is important but so is your life and to have a good marriage you need to have a good life, one that you are satisfied with, one that you feel comfortable with. Why do you think I couldn't marry James, It wasn't because he wasn't a great guy, It was because my life wasn't working there. I move here, I have advanced my career and now my life is working so much better than it ever really did in LA, plus I no longer feel the steady pull of addiction breathing down my neck. What I am say Derek is Meredith wanted you to be sure that moving back was the right decision for you and for her, she wanted you to be sure that taking a dramatic step back in your career was the right decision for you, that you wouldn't end up resenting her for it and she was right you need to make this decision carefully and maybe that is why the President will not accept your resignation." Amelia said finishing her speech.

"When did you get so wise." Derek said, in awe of his sister. She had clearly put a lot of work into repairing her life, into making all work. she had overcome such big problems and turned her life around. Derek couldn't help but think he could learn a lot from his baby sister.

"I've always been wise Derek, you've just never cared to notice. Which is why I also know, that you know there is a decision to be made and that no you are not content with just settling with being my shadow, because if you were, you'd go back to DC and Yell and scream and not things over in the white house until the president wanted you fired and happily accepted your resignation. I know you Derek and you are not content being my shadow even though it would be a massive honor to be my shadow. " Amelia said, cutting a truth so clear, that Derek realized she was right.

"You are right Amelia. I love Meredith but I also love advancing the knowledge we have of the brain." Derek admitted for the first time.

"You know when Meredith tampered with my Alzheimer trial I thought that's it, my researching career is over and I was sad because I love being able to change the face of medicine, I love solving things and then i got this opportunity and it all turned to crap." He said.

"But I think more than anything I love my wife, so I need to move back to Seattle. I have to accept this as my consequence. That I can't do the job that I love and have the woman that I love and she is far more important than any job is." Derek concluded.

"You know." Owen said.

"I can't help but wonder, why you need to do your research in DC." Owen said, as Amelia and Derek stared at him.

"The President wants to keep a close eye on it." Derek said simply.

"But that is the thing, who does he really think is going to have more of an impact on unlocking the brain, him, or you?" Owen asked.

"Because I don't think it is him. I don't think he is going to change that much." Owen said.

"So." Derek replied, why did it matter he thought.

"So Derek, why can't he move the brain mapping initiative to Seattle. Why can't it be attached to Grey Sloan. Why can't he buy out the Harper Avery part of the hospital?" Owen asked much to Amelia and Derek's shock.

"I don't think that would work." Derek said.

"Catherine would have to agree, the board would have to agree." Derek said, considering the logistics.

"Catherine Avery has been threatening to leave for weeks, ever since I blocked her attempts to divert all our research assets into finding a cure for osteogenisis imperfecta." Owen said, which Owen could empathizes with, but it was maddening.

"She want's out and if they do leave, we will be able to get more research funding, more grants, better doctors, Harper Avery's." Owen listed the benefits of his idea.

"To be honest Derek, this is not so much about you, but a solution that will fix the hospital." Owen admitted.

"We could turn Grey Sloan into the top research hospital in the country." Owen said as grin appeared on his face.

"And you could come back to Seattle and fix your life and your marriage." He continued.

"I could. Couldn't I." Derek said.

"I think I need to make some calls." Derek said, jumping out of his seat.

"Call a board meeting Owen, I'll meet you at the hospital in two hours." Derek said before grabbing his keys and getting in his car.

* * *

They you go, I am not happy with this chapter, but it is more about moving the story to a point where I can have some real movement with the characters, plus if anyone thinks that I am letting Derek of the hook easily, I am not and making Meredith take all the blame I am defiantly not and please lets cool it on the threats this time.

Cheers

Lumae.


	10. Chapter 10

So still getting threats and still not caring. Also just for the record if you don't like what I am doing there is no one making you read it, or comment for that matter and if you keep up with the whole I'm going hurt you business I will post your shameless comments for everyone to see how immature you are. But for those of you friendly nice people here is another chapter. Thanks for the kind reviews Lumae.

* * *

Meredith groaned as she pulled into the parking lot, she couldn't believe it when Owen called her and told her there was an emergency board meeting. Most of the time Meredith barely found any board meeting bearable, and tonight, of all nights, this was defiantly the last thing she wanted to do. After a morning of explosive conversations with Derek and an afternoon of talking with Cristina, all Meredith really wanted to do for the evening, was curl up on the couch with her kids and rage about Derek. But for some reason the universe had other plans for the night, so she had called Amelia and begged her to come over again and watch the kids, unfortunately Meredith thought Amelia was only to happy to do so, so she didn't have an excuse,to avoid going into the hospital and facing everyone.

It felt weird walking into the hospital, the staff all treated her the same as they had before, blissfully unaware of the seismic shift her life had taken. She could not recognize her life but no one else seemed to recognize her life had changed. One of her favorite scrub nurses stopped to ask her how Derek was doing and all Meredith could do was, stare at her, before running of into the bathroom as the tears flowed down her face. As she sat in the bathroom stall, sobbing she heard the door open and footsteps enter.

"Umm, so I can hear you crying, who ever you are, is there anything I can do to help." Meredith heard Callie say.

"I'm not leaving until I know you are okay."Callie continued completely unaware that the strangled sobs were coming from Meredith.

Meredith, could not see another option but coming out, and facing Callie, so she opened the door.

"Meredith." Callie said shocked to see her friend was the person sobbing.

"Are you all right?" Callie asked as she enveloped her friend in a hug.

"Do I look alright, I'm clearly not alright, why would you ask such a thing." Meredith said, mirroring a previous conversation she had had with Callie.

"Right, so not okay."Callie said.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"Callie asked.

"Derek." Meredith said, wiping her face.

"He had cheeseburgers with someone else."Meredith said.

"What."Callie said, slightly confused.

"Wait, what no, really, No." Callie said finally realizing what Meredith was saying.

"He slept with someone in DC." Meredith said.

"Asshole." Callie said.

"Cheating Bastard." Callie continued.  
"He doesn't deserve you." Callie said.

"So is it over between you two, is that why he called the board meeting?" Callie asked.

"He what." Meredith asked.

"Called the board meeting. Wait you didn't know?" Callie asked.

"No I didn't. " Meredith said.

"I thought a roof had fallen in, or some intern had suffocated a patient or something." Meredtih said trying to figure out why Derek had called a board meeting.

"Is he quitting?" Callie asked.

"I don't know." Meredith said.

She hoped he was not. Even though she told him he had to decide whether to move back or not, she kind of hoped that he would chose her, that he would pick her, that he really did want to save their marriage but maybe she feared he had decided otherwise. Maybe this was his cruel bitter way of letting her know, she was not enough for him.

"He said he wanted to move back. Maybe he wants Amelia's job." Meredith said.

"That could be why." Callie said, still in shock.  
"Don't let him take it off her." Meredith said.

"She doesn't deserve to be punished for his mistake." Meredith added.

"Okay." Callie assured Meredith.

"Look, I am happy to stay in this bathroom all night if that is what you need, but we are board members and the meeting started five minutes ago." Callie said, looking at her watch.  
"Crap, we've got too go don't we." Meredith said as Callie nodded.

They entered the board room and Callie quickly took a seat next to bailey and started whispering to her. Meredith just stood their staring at Derek.  
"Meredith." He said in awe.  
"I didn't think you would come." He said, pulling the seat out next to him.

Meredith, decided to ignore him and instead walked past him and sat down next to Callie. Derek felt a twinge of pain as Callie and Bailey glared at him.

"Where's Jackson?" Arizona asked.

"He's still not up to taking board meetings, but Catherine already Skyped through earlier." Owen said.

"Why are we here." Arizona continued.

"Okay I'll start." Owen said.

"Catherine Avery would like to cash out her share of the hospital, to set up the Samuel Norbert Avery Research Center for Osteogenisis Imperfecta and other Childhood Diseases." Owen said.

"Wait what." Richard said, surprised that she hadn't mentioned this to him.

"What does this mean for the hospital." Bailey asked, confused because Callie had told her that this was a meeting to oust Amelia from Head of Neurosurgery.

"Are we going to have to close, or what." Arizona asked.

"No." Owen said.

"It turns out we have another buyer." Owen said.

"Not Pegasus, I hope." Callie said.

"No." Derek said, as everyone turned to face him, including Meredith.

"Well then who's the buyer?" Bailey demanded.

"Quit stalling already." She said.

"It's, It's the President, or really the government." Derek said.

"What." Meredith said.

"They would like to buy out The Harper Avery Foundations share and move the Brain Mapping Institute here." He said, as everyone stared at him with astonishment.

"Look it would put Grey Sloan Memorial on the map as the premiere research hospital in the country. We would get more funding for our other projects, be able to entice more researchers, better doctors, upgrade equipment. We'd be able to win Harper Avery's and we would have more say in how our hospital was run." Owen said, looking at Meredith.

"It sounds fantastic." Bailey said.

"I'm all for it." Arizona agreed.

"I guess I am too." Callie said, looking apologetically at Meredith, she suspected Meredith may have seen this as a betrayal, and maybe on some level, some personal level it was, but when she was in the board room she did have to make the best decision for the hospital, which this clearly was and she hoped that Meredith could see that.

"Meredith." Derek said, trying to figure out what she was thinking but he couldn't, he couldn't read his wife, six months ago he could have.

"I." She said.

"No." She said, watching as Derek's face fell.

"I want to say no. Because No you don't get to have what you want. Why should you get what you want. How is that at all fair." She yelled, much to everyone's surprise.

"Meredith please." Derek said.

"Let me finish." She hissed.

"I don't want you to get what you want. But I agree, this is what is best for the hospital, this is what is best for my career, for my prospects. So Yes, even though I want to say no." She finished.

"So it's agreed, we are accepting the presidents offer to buy out the Harper Avery Foundation's share?" Owen asked and they all said yes.

"Is that it?" Meredith asked.

"Yes." Owen.

"Good, I'm leaving." Meredith said getting up and quickly walking to the door, trying to hide her tears as she disappeared from the room and down a hall way.

"I'll go." Callie said, staring at Derek.

"No." Derek said, getting up and chasing after his wife.

He quickly found her, sobbing in an on call room, sobbing into a pillow.

"Meredith." Derek said, moving over towards her.

"No, Derek please just leave." She said, shooing him away with her hand.

"I just want to make sure you are okay." He said.

"No I'm not okay Derek. Are you happy, are you satisfied, I am not okay." She yelled.

"I am angry and hurt, I hate you. Yesterday the world was normal and today, everything has changed. Today I woke up and my husband was a cheating bastard and then you decided you wanted to move back and now you get the president on board and he buys most of the hospital. Derek you get what you want and I, I get to be the wife, who you cheated on, you get everything because you cheated and what I am suppose to just sit back and be happy with that. Well guess what Derek I am not happy with it. You put me in a completely unfair position in their. You made me make the decision for you. You made me choose for you and Derek that's not fair." Meredith said sobbing harder.

"I know." He said, grabbing her and holding her tight as she cried. It killed him to know that he caused this that he caused the pain that was radiating from his wife. He hated that she was suffering. She slowly started to relax in his arms, her breathing became regular and her sobs became less frequent.

"Meredith." He whispered after a while.

"I'm sorry. I don't know who I am anymore, but I know that who I will ever be, you will always be my life and will always love you. I am so sorry I hurt you. I will spend everyday for the rest of my life trying to make it up to you." He finished, only to realize Meredith was finally sound asleep.

* * *

So how did you like that. I know some of you may feel like it is a bit to early for Derek to be touching Meredith, but it was in a very non sexual way and was more about him trying to help her. Anyway until I figure out the next chapter.

Cheers

Lumae


	11. Chapter 11

Another chapter, this is chapter 11, the second one for the day if you haven't read 10 please go back and do so, or not, but 10 was sort of important.

* * *

A few days had gone by since Meredith had fallen asleep in Derek's arms. Derek had gone back to DC the next morning to finalize things for the hospital and to pack his things. He had tried to text and call her several times but she had ignored them, she needed sometime to heal. She had taken the rest of the week off work, mostly to process the events. Today she still wasn't working but she was going in to work to talk to Dr Wyatt's replacement, Dr Paul Smith. She had decided she needed an impartial person to discuss her feelings with, someone who didn't know Derek, who didn't know her. She felt weird and vulnerable, the prospect of exposing her life to another person made her stomach flutter and roll. But she wanted to do her part to make her marriage work, she wanted to be sure that she could work on her marriage with Derek. Amelia again, was a godsend, offering to watch Zola and Bailey for the afternoon while she went into see this new doctor. She didn't tel Amelia where she was going and Amelia didn't ask but she did tell her that Derek would be back in Seattle probably later that evening.

As she sat in the waiting room, fiddling with her watch, her nerves started to creep up on her and she couldn't help but ask herself what she was doing here, she stared at her watch, the doctor was already running twenty minutes late.

"Is he going to be that much longer?" She asked the receptionist, who was tapping away at her keyboard.

"No, No." the middle aged woman with a string of brightly colored beads strung around her neck, assured her before going back to tapping at the key board.

Meredith sat their waiting for another ten minutes before she went to ask again, but before she could, the door to the doctors office opened an awkward young patient walked out with the doctor.

"So just keep taking you tablets and I will see you again in two weeks." The doctor said to the patient who nodded obediently, before quickly scurrying out of the office.

"Will you call him and try and make the appointment with him." The doctor asked his receptionist.

"Of course." the lady said, giving Meredith the impression that this was a regular occurrence.

"Mrs Grey." The doctor said, turning to face Meredith.

"You can come in now." He said, gesturing to his office.

Meredith quickly walked in. There was no fish tank in his office, no zen looking sculptures, just a dreary looking succulent and a picture of what looked like Venice. It was stark and clinical, Meredith thought and the only two real feature points were the large armchairs sitting in the middle of the room. Meredith took a seat in the one closest to the door.

"So Mrs Grey what brings you in today." The doctor asked pulling out a note book and pen.

"It's Doctor." Meredith said as Doctor Smith looked up at her.

"Pardon?" He asked.

"You said Mrs Grey and it's Doctor Grey." She said matter of factually

"My apologies." Doctor Smith said, scribbling something down.

"What are you writing?' Meredith questioned but Doctor Smith didn't say anything.

"Are you writing that I am being stuck up, or avoiding, or in denial, because I am not, I'm just saying I am not Mrs Grey, I am Doctor Grey." Meredith said.

"I am writing, that you prefer to be called Doctor Grey." He said turning around his notebook, for Meredith to read and sure enough, in an illegiable scrawl, it said she prefers to be called Doctor Grey.

"Actually, I prefer being called Meredith, can you call me Meredith?" She asked and he flipped the notebook back and wrote in it again.

"There." He said, showing her what he wrote.

Patient_ is a Doctor but prefers being called Meredith._

"So now that we have that sorted can we move on to why you are here today?" He asked, twirling the pen in between his fingers.

"I," She stumbled.

"I used to see Dr Wyatt but she left." Meredith stated.

"Yes I saw that, but that was quite some time ago." He said.

"So what brings you here today." He asked again.

"I am surgeon a General Surgeon and when I ask someone what brings you here today, the answer is easy. My stomach hurts, I fell off a ladder, I can't stop vomiting. The answer is easy. But it's not for me." Meredith said.

"Okay, so why isn't it easy?" The Doctor asked trying a new tact.

"Because," Meredith said.

"I'm not sick, my stomach doesn't hurt, I didn't fall off a ladder and I'm not vomiting but something is wrong." She admits.

"Something is wrong." She says again.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"I don't know maybe the fact that you keep paraphrasing my last sentence into a question." She snips at him, before feeling bad.

"I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this. I kind of suck at therapy, Dr Wyatt probably wrote that in her notes." Meredith said.

"I'm not going to read her notes, I don't think they are strictly relevant to today's discussion." He informed her.

"How about we just have a conversation. Just like two people talking in a coffee shop. No expectations, no roles, I'll put down my note book and I won't write anything." He said trying to relax Meredith.

"Okay." Meredith said, not wanting to disagree.

"What are we going to talk about." She asked.

"Well we are two people in a coffee shop, who have just met each other, so you say you are a Doctor, where do you work?" He asked.

"This is stupid, you know where I work." Meredith muttered, but Doctor Smith just looked at her.  
"Fine, I work at Grey Sloan Memorial." She said  
"What a coincidence so do I." he said as Meredith rolled her eyes.

"You must have been busy today, I heard that there was a multi car pile up, this morning, lots of hurt and injured people." He said, Meredith knew about this as well because Maggie had told her.

"I'm not working today." Meredith said, starting to relax.

"Ah lucky, is it your day off?" He asked knowingly.

"I've had the last few days off." She admitted.  
"I've been spending time with my kids." She said.

"You've got kids, how old?" He asked, genuinely.

"Zola has just turned Four and Bailey is eighteen months old." Meredith said with a smile.

"Do you have kids?" She asked, looking at the Doctor for the first time, he looked old enough to have kids, he had a wedding band on his finger.

"Yes I do, a daughter, Aurelia she is six." He said.

"Hey, you're a board member right." He said and Meredith resisted rolling her eyes once again, because maybe this guy was on to something.

"Yes." She said simply.

"So you must know all about this new restructuring of the hospital." He said.

"Rumor has it the President is buying out the Harper Avery part." He said.  
"You are the worst random coffee shop person I have ever met." Meredith said.

"Humor me please." He said, looking at her, with a smile on his face.

"Yes the government," She corrected, "Is taking over the Harper Avery share of the hospital and making the hospital the premiere research hospital in the country and moving the brain mapping institute here as well." She said, honestly.

"Good so I'm not about to lose my job." He said.

"No you're not." She responded, with a grin.

"It sounds like a big opportunity, everyone is talking about how great it will be for the hospital and how lucky we are for it to have worked out like this." He said.

"Are they." Meredith frowned, she thought they might be, but she wished they wouldn't.

"So Dr Shepherd's. Dr Derek Shepherd, I keep forgetting there are two her now, the other one is his sister right, what's her name, I keep forgetting?' he asked but Meredith suspected he knew.

"Amelia." She said anyway.

"That's right, Amelia, So Derek Shepherd he was running the brain mapping project in DC and now he's moving it back to Seattle." Doctor Smith continued.

"Yes." Meredith said, simply.

"And he's your Husband right?' The doctor asked, and Meredith knew he was defiantly getting at something.

"He is." She admitted

"So you must be more happier than anyone about this." Doctor Smith said, picking up his notebook again.

"But I'm not." Meredith finally admitted.

"I'm not happy. I'm not happy because he cheated on me and then he felt bad so he decided he needed to move back to Seattle and because everyone thinks the world of him, he managers to get the whole world to change for him and everyone thinks he is great and wonderful because he saved the hospital, he restored it, he will be the one who they credit with making the hospital the best research hospital in the country. When the truth is it is not because he is great, or exceptional he doesn't deserve a ticket parade. He cheated on me, he slept with some one else and nobody knows that, that is the reason, that because he cheated everyone in the hospital is going to benefit." Meredith finished, staring at the succulent.

"Don't you work at the hospital." The doctor asked.

"Yes." Meredith said, confused.

"It doesn't sound like you benefited from him cheating." He said.

"I didn't. Of course I didn't, my marriage is holding on by a thread and my family is dangling over a pit filled with hungry lions and it is killing me, I can't I don't know how I can come back to work." She admitted for the first time.

"Look Meredith, you did nothing wrong, it's not your fault, you can go back to work, there is no shame in going back to work. You can tell the world that he cheated on you, you can make them listen, or you can go back to work and know that not everyone will see your husband as the hero, not everyone will welcome him back and I for one will know that the reason the hospital is going to change is because your husband cheated on you." He said and Meredith felt better.

She found comfort in the fact that some seemingly random hospital worker, now knew the truth and she thought that maybe just maybe, this whole therapy thing would be helpful.

"Back to the coffee shop." Meredith said, trying to pull the conversation some where lighter.

"What does you're wife do?" Meredith asked.

"My wife, well she's not my wife anymore and she does women." He said, shaking his head, as Meredith stared at him in shock.

"You know Meredith, you don't have to forgive him yet. You can take time to heal, time for yourself, and that doesn't make you selfish." He said, like he was speaking from his own pain ravaged heart.

"It just makes you human." He said as Meredith sat pondering his words.

"So I will see you next week Dr Grey. I mean Meredith." He said, closing the notebook.  
"Do you want me to bring coffee." She asked getting up.

"Sure why not." he said.

As Meredith walked away from his office, with a new found confidence, her phone beeped so she pulled it out and looked at it. It was Derek, again, but this time she chose to answer it because she couldn't help but start to believe they could make it work, even if she couldn't quite forgive him.

"Hello." She said.

"Meredith." She heard Derek say in relief.

"What do you want." she asked.

* * *

Cliff hanger, sort of because I feel like I could introduce a later story line now, but I'm not sure I want to, just yet.

Anyway, two chapters again on one day. This chapter I enjoyed, mainly because I got to play with a new character, which if you haven't noticed I love doing. Some of you may find that I am taking it out on Meredith, but I'm not really trying to, I am mostly doing one chapter focusing on her one on Derek, trying to show how they both grow and change and just because I submitted Meredith to therapy does not mean Derek gets off with out it.

Hope you liked it as much as I enjoyed playing with it.

Cheers

Lumae


	12. Chapter 12

Another chapter, I know, I am really pumping them out. (So just so you are all clear this is the third in the space of twelve hours.) I hate it when someone leaves you hanging of a cliff for like, more than a couple of hours, it gives you a massive wedgie. Also can you please bare in mind that Natalie is not Renee, Renee really was a fawning love struck intern, Natalie is a bit different. Anyway enjoy - Lumae

* * *

"So is this what happens when I sleep with someone now." Natalie said taking a seat in Derek's office as he chucked things into boxes.

"What?" Derek spat, briefly looking up at her.

"I cause a whole research conglomerate to relocate." She said flippantly.

"Well at least I already understand Seattle's public transport system." she continued as Derek tried to focus on his task.

"How come?" Derek asked.

"I used to live there." She said.

"Wait you came from Seattle?" He asked staring at her.

"I didn't know that." He said.

"More like I fled from Seattle." She murmurs, looking away from Derek.

"Why did you flee, didn't like the rain?" He joked.

"No I like the rain." She said.

"What I didn't like was my ex boyfriend who liked to communicate with his fists." She admitted.

"Oh." Derek said, not sure of what to say.

"It's alright, he hasn't bothered me since I got the restraining order put on him, or maybe that's just because I moved, or maybe he's dead." She said.

"I'm so sorry Natalie I had no Idea." He said, shocked at such an admission, he would have never picked it.

"Why would you, you only talk about your problems, which is okay, I like keeping to myself." She said.

"I, still, I should know more about you." He said.

"Do you really think so?" Natalie asked staring at him.

"I" Derek stuttered feeling uncomfortable under her piercing gaze.

"Because I don't think you should." Natalie admitted.

"Derek you are trying to make your marriage work, aren't you that is why we are all having to relocate to Seattle right." She said.

"Yes."He admitted

"So it seems to me, that, that will be an awful lot of havoc and work for everyone, so you owe it to everyone of us to make it work with her."She said.

"I do. I want to make it work with her, more than anything." Derek admitted.

"So I came in here, because, I want to know if it would make it easier for you if I quit." Natalie said.

"It would." Derek said.

"It would make it so much easier." Derek admitted, as Natalie's face fell.

"I'll have my resignation on your desk, or rather what was your desk by the end of the day." Natalie said as tear started to form in her eyes.

It was not that she liked Derek, not that much anyway and certainly in nothing but a platonic friendship, and research focused admiration. It was that she loved her job and She doubted she would ever get a job as good as the one she had now. She was trying to find a cure for Dystonia, a disease she had her sister Iris suffer from as a child, she had always felt helpless as she watched her sisters body succumb to the dreadful disease, her body contorting and warping under the pressure of this bizarre and mind boggling affliction. She had often asked her Parents and her sister's Doctors why they couldn't help her, why they were seemingly doing nothing. The truth was at the time there was nothing to do for her sister, at the time when her sister was diagnosed, the disease was barely known of and the treatment was at best poor. Now there were some treatments that helped a bit, but her sister was no longer alive, in the end it was not the disease that had claimed her sister, but the lack of hope her sister held for a better future.

Her sister had killed herself, one warm summer afternoon, when Natalie was just fourteen, unable to continue in a life she could not control. It was that day she had vowed to find a cure and to understand what her sister so longed for. Now that she stood on the precipice of her goal, she felt defeated and ashamed, that she would have to throw it all in because she slept with her boss. She hated herself for screwing up so much and she hated herself even more because she had let Iris down.

"Natalie wait." Derek said and she turned to face him.

"What." She said, what more did he need to take from her.

"It would make things easier for me, if you resigned, but it's not just about me. It's not about taking the easy road, not at the cost of you and your research. I have to work to restore my marriage, I have to make sacrifices and as easy as it would be to sacrifice your career, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to be selfish anymore. You worked hard to get here, you deserve to keep your job." He said, to Natalie's relief.

He knew Meredith would not love the idea, of his one night stand moving to Seattle and he understood why. He could respect why she would hate it. But he could not bring himself to fire, the young bright scientist standing in his room. She was not the monster, she was not who Meredith was truly cross at. He was. He was the one who had made bad decisions, He was the one who she was cross at and he had promised himself he would stop making bad decisions and that including forcing the young and upcoming scientist to quit.

"Will you talk to your wife about it." Natalie said, still wary of him.

"What?" Derek asked surprised.

"Look Derek, it's not just about you. It's about her as well. She works there at the hospital doesn't she." she said.

"Well yes." he said.

"and I am guessing she probably doesn't want the woman you cheated on her with moving to Seattle." Natalie continued

"I'm thinking that would probably be a gigantic slap in the face. I know for a fact how my boyfriend feels about it all, he hates the fact that we work together."She said.

"Wait, you have a Boyfriend." Derek said, surprised once again how little he knew about this woman.

"Yes Trevor, Trevor Dover he works here, in nerve regeneration." Natalie said.

"How does he feel about all this?" Derek asked truly curious.

"It's different, we aren't married and we'd only been dating a couple of weeks when it happened. He nice, I like him, a lot, he's nerdy and sweet and he doesn't use his fists to talk." Natalie said.

"And he has to move too because of what we did." Natalie said.

"So before you jump on the next plane back to Seattle, trying to take all us with you, ask your wife if she wants me to come to Seattle." Natalie said before leaving Derek's office.

Derek thought about it all for a minute before realizing that Natalie was right. So he tried to call Meredith but she didn't answer, he kept trying to call her for the next couple of days but she kept ignoring his calls. It wasn't until the day he was suppose to leave and he was just about to leave his apartment that he gave it one last shot and she finally answered.

"Hello." Meredith said.

"Meredith." Derek said relieved, to finally hear her voice, he had not heard her voice, since she fell asleep in his arms, and then left before he woke up.

"What do you want?" Meredith asked

"I'm coming home today." He said, not sure where his home would be, Owen said he could use the trailer but that place was cramped enough with one person living there let alone two, plus since Owen had been getting horizontal with his sister, he did not exactly want to stay there. He was seriously considering getting another trailer.

"Okay Derek, I already knew that Amelia told me." Meredith said.

"The President has signed off on everything so the Brain Mapping Initiative will be relocating to Seattle." Derek said, trying to ease into the conversation.

"Again Derek I already knew that." Meredith continued starting to feel the positive affects of her therapy session wearing thin.

"What I am saying is all of the researches are relocating to Seattle." Derek.

"and." Meredith said still confused.  
"Meredith, 'she' will be moving to Seattle." Derek finally said.

"Seriously." Meredith yelled into the phone.

"Seriously Derek."She said.

"I know." He said.

"Do you. Do you really know." She questioned.

"I" Derek mumbled.

"No I don't think you do. I have spent the last hour talking with a psychiatrist, trying to figure out how I feel and do you know what I learnt. I learnt that I don't really know how I feel. I haven't yet unpacked all the emotions. So what I don't get Derek, is how you can keep on saying you know how I feel, when I don't even know how I feel." She yelled.

"You saw someone." He asked surprised.

"Yes, because I am committed to making this work." She said.

"Are you going to see someone?" Meredith asked.

"I" Derek was considering it but he was thinking more along the lines of couple therapy.

"I thought we'd do couple therapy." He said.

"We might Derek, but I think we may be a bit further along than needing just couples therapy. We need to get our lives right before we can get us right. I need to be able to fix what you broke Derek and you need to fix whatever part of you is broken." She said.

"So I saw someone, who didn't have a fish tank in his office, and thought pretending we were at a coffee shop was a smart idea, which it may have been, even if it was annoying and I worked at realizing, that I can hate you. That it is okay for me not to be happy, that you get everything you want." She said

"I'll see someone Meredith." Derek said.

"And see there it is again. I don't want you to see someone because I told you to, because you think it will make me happy, I want you to see someone because you think it is the right thing, for you." She hissed, feeling exasperated.

"But that's the thing Meredith, you are my everything. You are the reason I live, you are the reason I breath. I would drown without you." Derek said.

"You are all I want." Derek said.

"Well you are going to have to prove it to me."Meredith said, finding her strength.

"I will." He said.

"Do you want me to fire Natalie?" Derek said.

"I, I don't know?" Meredith said, part of her wanted that woman to never step foot in Seattle, but then she remember the research that she had done. Was it fair to punish her for Derek's mistake, Meredith thought. She knew if she told Derek to fire the poor girl, he would at the drop of a hat, but Meredith felt like she was better than that.

"What does she think?" Meredith asked.

"She was the one who offered to resign, twice." He said.

"She's not the problem Meredith I am." Derek said.

"I know. Don't fire her, but tell her, I don't ever want to see her." Meredith said.

"Okay." He said.

"And Derek," Meredith said.

"Yes." Derek said.

"You are my life as well and I will always love you" She said, before she hung up.

It took Derek a moment to realize, that she had heard him the other night, and a small smile spread across his face, this would work, he thought as he closed the door to his DC apartment for the last time.

* * *

So Derek's moving back to Seattle, which I am sure you are all glad about. I know some of you will be slightly apprehensive about the fact that Natalie is moving to Seattle as well, so I hope that I wrote her character well enough for you all to realize that she is not a threat. Also I tried to find a rare-ish and troublesome disease and Dystonia was what I discovered, turns out it is a most unfortunate malady, Google it. Also Derek really isn't playing victim, at least not the way I see it, he is more struggling. Stay tuned for the next chapter.

Cheers

Lumae


	13. Chapter 13

So this wasn't a planned chapter, I actually got a number of private messages after chapter 11 calling for me to do another chapter with Doctor Smith. So I did. But for all those of you wondering when Derek will have a go at therapy, keep your eye out for the next chapter where we meet Doctor Gordon Leeds, the septuagenarian white haired man, who I assure you Derek will but heads with on his road to recovery.

* * *

_"I'm leaving you." Derek's voice rang out in her head as she stared down at the little pink plus sign. Why now she thought, why did he decide this now. Why did life seemingly throw her a bone only to take another one away. Pregnant she could hardly believe it. They defiantly hadn't been trying, between him living in another city and her busy schedule, this was the last thing either of them needed. She though she would have to be at least four months along, since she had not slept with her husband since before he left, even if he had slept with someone else. Derek had cheated on her and she knew he wasn't coming back. She sat in the bathroom, staring at the stick, as hot tears fell from her eyes she did not feel happy about this she was scared, scared that she was doomed to repeat her mother's mistakes, raise three children who never really knew their father, she threw the stick on the ground. "Stupid Boy Penis." She yelled before staring back at the stick almost hypnotised by the gravity of the situation, she felt like she had been staring at the stick for a long time when Bailey's cries pulled her from her mind._

Meredith, shot up in bed and she could here her son crying in the room next to hers, a sickening feeling of fear still resting heavily on her chest. I was all just a nightmare, she told herself, staring at the bed side table clock. It was 2.37am she was lying in her bed, the gentle crackle of the fireplace filling the night air. It was not real. She slipped into her night robe and tip toed across the hallway and into her sons room. She picked up the crying baby, soothing his fears,

"Did you have a nightmare too Bailey Boo." She said rocking the cries into the darkness.

"It's okay, Mommy did to." She said before placing the now softly sleeping, she quietly moved back to her room, laying down in her bed, she toosed and turned for the rest of the night. Every time she closed he

"Hi." Meredith said to Dr Smith's receptionist, as she held two coffees.

"Good Morning Mrs Grey, can I help you?" The woman asked.

"Is he in yet." Meredith said gesturing to the door.

"No." the receptionist said looking at Meredith like she had two heads.

"can I help you?" she asked.

"When will he be in?" Meredith asked.

"Ten minutes ago." She said before returning to her computer, just as the door swung open.

"Sorry I'm late, Tricia." Doctor Smith said barreling through the door.

"Doctor Grey, I mean Meredith." Doctor Smith said, looking Meredith up and done.

"What are you doing here so early?" He asks as Meredith's eyes dart back and forth between his receptionist and him.

"Can we talk?" Meredith said passing him a coffee cup.

"Sure, Tricia can you push my first appointment." He said, before opening his office door and gesturing for Meredith to go in.

As she sat in the seat she had sat in the day before, she stared at the succulent again.

"Why were you late?" Meredith asked.

"My daughter, decided to throw a tantrum this morning over how I did her hair, I can't to do plaits, only ponytails."Doctor Smith admitted.

Meredith smiled, Derek was good at doing Zola's hair, he had spent a lot of time learning how to style in many different ways.

"Why are you here Meredith?" Doctor Smith asked.

"I." Meredith stuttered, why was she here she wondered. Why hadn't she gone to Alex's or skyped Cristina or called Maggie, why had she turned up at this man's office, a man she had only met yesterday, to confide her secrets. Maybe she thought it was because he was impartial, bound by secrecy, I maybe it was because of the clarity she found in his words, that compelled her to drop her kids of early at daycare, buy two coffee's and barge into this Doctors office.

"There has to be more of a reason than giving me coffee." He said.

"Do you we have to pretend we are in a coffee shop?' He asked, grabbing his a pen out of his bag.

"No, I, I had a nightmare or a dream last night." Meredith admitted.

"What was it about?" He asked.

"I dreamt I found out I was pregnant again." Meredith admitted.

"Are you?" He asked staring her down.

"No." Meredith said, even though she didn't think she was pregnant she had done a blood test that morning and forced the lab to put a rush on it.

"What was so bad about this that made it a nightmare, we all have strange concoctions when we are sleeping what made this a nightmare?" Doctor Smith asked.

"Derek left me in the dream and I found out I was pregnant. He left me and I think that scared me and then Bailey, my son started crying and I woke up and Bailey was actually crying, so I went and settled him and I couldn't get back to sleep, I tried and I tried and I couldn't, every time I closed my eyes the images came back and the same chest crushing fear reappeared and I couldn't sleep. I knew I wasn't pregnant but yet the fear, it consumed me. Can you tell me why Paul?"Meredith asked, calling the doctor by his first name.

"I think you should tell me why." Paul said.

"You'd make a terrible surgeon." Meredith joked.

"Getting the patient to tell you why there stomach feels like it is being ripped apart." Meredith smiled.

"Hey I don't tell you how to remove a gall bladder, quit back seat doctoring." Paul said making Meredith laugh.

"Think about what scared you about that dream." Paul said.

"That I was alone and Pregnant and Derek had left me." Meredith summarized.

"Are you sure that is what scares you?" Paul pressed.

"Yes, I'm sure." Meredith snapped, feeling agitated from her lack of sleep.

"Then say it again." Paul said.  
"I was scared because I was pregnant and Derek had left me." Meredith repeated.  
"But you're not pregnant." Paul said.

"No." Meredith replied as it started to dawn on her what was so disturbing about her dream.

"I guess I am scared that Derek is going to leave me. He is going to run. He says he is moving here. That he is going to fix what he broke. But I'm not sure I believe him or if I can believe him. I am scared that Derek is going to run off and leave me with the life we created together and I am going to repeat my mother's mistake." Meredith concluded.

"Meredith, I read Doctor Wyatt's notes last night and those of the trauma psychiatrist. You are not your mother." Paul said.

"Is that what Doctor Wyatt wrote?" Meredith asked.

"Not in so many words, she basically put it that you had parental issues, most psychiatrist's seem to like writing that one in their patients files." Paul said.

"So she didn't say I was not my mother." Meredith concluded.

"No, I said that, just then and no I haven't written that in my notes yet." He said coyly.

"In a lot of ways Meredith, I saw in those notes, that you are a talented, bright, courageous, woman who cares the world about those around her, will sacrifices everything for them even herself. You are hesitant to shine because in a way you a scared of out shining those around you. You can stand up for yourself, it is okay to want to be brilliant, it is okay to expect your husband to support you and it is probably not okay for him to expect you to drop everything for him." Paul said in a very un-shrink like matter.

Meredith looked at him, surprised that he had said that but as the words settled and started to sink in she couldn't help but think he may be correct.

"But about the nightmares and the not sleeping, How do I make that stop?" She asked, looking at the succulent.

"I think in this case, you are needing Derek to show up, to prove to you that he is not going to leave, to stand by you and support you. You need him to do what you have done for him, for such a long time."Paul said.

"And I think once you can comfortable with that you shall sleep easy. Until then I can prescribe a low dose sleeping pill." He said pulling out his script pad and scribbling on it.

"Sleeping pills and surgery don't mix." Meredith said.

"Quite right, but as long as you use it responsibly." Paul said handing Meredith the script.

"Look it is there if you need it, doing surgery with no sleep isn't exactly ideal." He said as Meredith stood up just before she opened the door, she turned to Paul.

"Did it get any easier with you wife, ex-wife?" Meredith asked.

"In a way, once I realized I wasn't what she wanted but I think it is a pretty different situation to the one you are in." Paul said.

"And listen, I come in an hour early every day, unless my daughter throws an epic tantrum, and leave an hour after I finish seeing patients. So if you want to chat, I'll be here and for the future"He said, chucking the now empty cappuccino cup into the bin by his desk.

"Thank you " Meredith said before leaving his office.

As she walked down the corridor, she looked at the back of the script and in the infamous doctor scrawl she read, _I prefer Lattes._ Meredith smiled, there was defiantly something cathartic about sharing working her problems through and she only hoped Derek would realise that and that through that he would figure out how to show up for her, her thought was cut short though as her pager went off, there was an emergency coming into the ER, so she shoved the script into her lab coat and ran towards the ER.

* * *

Chapter done. I hope you all enjoyed it because it will be the only one for tonight. If you are after something else to read, can I suggest you head over and read my new one shot, it is a thrilling tale about the leech Jo removed from that ladies nose. Also I have noted that some of you have thought I have been neglecting to address Derek, I am not it is coming I am just trying to position my characters in the right places so it all connects. Anyway thanks for the reviews, let me know what you think.

Cheers

Lumae


	14. Chapter 14

Next chapter. Thanks for all the reviews for last chapter, so as promised Derek goes to see someone this chapter, please bare with it, it's a bit gruesome at the start but I am sure you will see there is method to the madness.

* * *

It had been over three weeks since Derek had moved back to Seattle. He had rented a room at a look hotel, twenty minutes away from Meredith and the kids. He had toyed with the idea of getting another trailer but in the end he had decided that he would give Owen and Amelia the space to explore their relationship, after all just because his was seemingly failing, did not mean he wished the same for his sister and his friend. He had buried himself in work, lots and lots of paperwork, had he known how much paper work he would end up with from the relocation of the president's brain mapping initiative, he may not have so eagerly jumped at the idea. How was he suppose to repair his marriage when he was getting buried in paperwork.

He had barely seen Meredith since he moved back, on the few occasions she had talked to him, all they had talked about where the kids. Meredith was avoiding him, she walked away when they met in the corridors, in the cafeteria she was always surrounded by someone, usually Maggie or Alex, or even Callie and Amelia. He had walked in to what he thought was an empty on call room, only to find her sound asleep, he had watched her for a few minutes before quietly walking away, he did not feel like he had the right to be there. He had only seen Zola and Bailey on a handful of occasions, he had heard that Zola had lost her first tooth from Alex Karev and felt more like a babysitter, when Meredith rang him up last week to see if he could come over and watch the kids, as she had been called in to work.

Today he had spent the morning being briefed on the progress of the relocation of the Brain Mapping initiative. It was going well, by all accounts, the labs were well under way, the equipment was arriving and the first wave of researches were set to arrive in Seattle in the next week, fortunately Derek had thought Natalie was not going to be among them. There was a big trauma this morning as well, but Amelia had that covered to, leaving his afternoon untouched, which unfortunately meant he was once again sitting in Dr Gordon Leed's Office, for what was his seventh visit.

He had ended up this ageing man's lavish office because his previous therapist was on a years sabbatical and everywhere else he had called was not accepting new patients. Derek understood that therapy was a lot like rehab, it took a lot of time and patience for the results to start to show. But after the past few visits Derek could not help but wonder if this particular therapy was hindering more than helping and could only hope that Meredith was having more success with her therapist than he was with Doctor Leed.

"So how's you week been Derek?" The aging man, with thin silver wisps of hair hovering above his ears asked.

"Busy, lonely, miserable." Derek said.

Derek was very good, he thought at sharing his emotions, serving them up on a dish for Doctor Leed to evaluate and help.

"Hmmm." The old man pondered, crossing his arms over, his grease stained top that seemed to quake at the seems, seemingly two sizes to small for the man's girth.

"So how about we talk about your wife again today." Doctor Leed said staring down through his glasses that teetered on the bridge of his nose.

Derek felt like rolling his eyes at the mere suggestion, he hated talking about Meredith with Doctor Leed, not because he did not want to fix things with Meredith but because Doctor Leed's viewpoint on women seemed to be trapped in the 1950's mindset.

"Your wife should love you, that's her job." Doctor Leed started as Derek felt his anger start to rise.

"It's not her job" Derek countered.

"It's not her job to love me. It's her choice." Derek said angry that Doctor Leed even suggested such a thing, usually Doctor Leed was not that obnoxious.

"No Derek, she should love you, you gave her, her two children, you built her a house. She should love you." Doctor Leed continued.

"She gave me two children." Derek bit.

"I built a house because I love her, because I want her to be happy, because I want our children to be happy." Derek continued to argue to no avail.

"Yes you provide for you family, and she just, well just gets angry at you." Doctor Leed said, brushing his hand through his ancient beard.

Derek could hardly believe the audacity of the man sitting across from him.

"Let's talk about a perfect woman." Doctor Leed said, a creepy grin on his face.

"I like them with big breasts." Doctor Leed, causing Derek to just about punch the man.

"Can we at least stay on topic." Derek cringed, wanting to leave and never look back.

"If you insist." Doctor Leed huffed, sounding annoyed.

"So Meredith did not follow you to DC and I think that is the problem, her not you. You asked her to support you in your new job, you asked her to come and move with you and she said no Derek, she did not support you." Doctor Leed said raising his hand to silence Derek.

"Then, because she is not putting out, you seek comfort in another woman's loins and she feels hurt, what is with that? The only problem I see here is that you told her. Through out the ages Derek, men have been the world, they have been the glue that sticks history together, conquered the greats, seized the day. I say you should get your wife back, by all means, every man needs the comfort of wife, but they become tired old used hags, take my advice keep your young sexy mistress on the side, just don't tell the misses. What she doesn't know can't hurt her." Doctor Leed continued as Derek stood up, his anger boiling over.

"No," Derek Yelled

"No. She is not the problem I am. I am the problem. I am the one who is the problem. I betrayed the love of my life. I was angry at her maybe but I should have been angry at myself. She is the supportive one, she is the remarkable one. She is amazing, she is selfless, the world would be an unbelievably better place if even a hundred other people where a quarter like her. I am the luckiest man in the world, to be able to call her my wife, to be loved by her. I don't deserve her, I probably never deserved her. But for someone unbeknownst reason she chose to accept me, despite all of my faults, all of my shortfalls, she chose me and she chose to love me. She chose to be the mother of my children, she is the best mother in the world. I am the baddy, I broke us, I did not support her. I lied, I said I would, I valued myself over her and that is the problem. She is my world, Meredith is my world. She is my everything and I can not live without her. I slept with someone else and I tried to hide it, that is the problem, I was unfaithful, I am ashamed with myself and I don't think I can ever forgive myself and I don't expect her to either. I am going to spend everyday for the rest of my life trying to make it right even if she doesn't want me to. She is not the problem I am and so are you. You are not my problem but you have a problem you are a pig, a disgusting pig, how can you talk about any woman that way, let alone my beautiful perfect wife. How can you call yourself a doctor you make a mockery of what doctors are, I should report your sorry disgusting self to the boards. You disgust me and I am never coming back." Derek finished yelling at the man before starting for the door.

"Am I?" Doctor Leed said.

"Am I disgusting, pitifully person. Or am I a mirror?" Doctor Leeds sly voice said, as Derek paused.

"Because Derek, the way I see it, you just had one hell of a break through." Doctor Leed said with a knowing smile on his face,as he watched Derek's face become awash with realization.

"Well go on then, leave." Doctor Leed said, as Derek disappeared out the door.

"I will see you next week." Doctor Leed said to the empty room.

Derek could not believe what that doctor had just said, but he was a buzz with emotions for Meredith, he needed to talk to her, he needed to let her know how he felt, he just hoped he was not too late. He quickly raced down the corridor and got in the lift, pulling his phone out he dialed Meredith's number but he got no answer. Which did not surprise him, he was fairly sure she would not pick up, so he called Amelia and he smiled as she answered.

"Amelia, where's Meredith?" Derek asked, raising toward the hospital.

"Hi, Hello, I'm fine, how are you too Derek." Amelia said.

"I don't have time for this." Derek said, pausing to catch his breath.

"She had a bad day Derek, she asked if I could watch the kids, I think she went to Joe's." Amelia finally said.

"Can you keep watching the kids?" Derek asked, waiting for the light to change.

"I guess, don't do anything stupid." Amelia said, before Derek hung up.

Derek started to run the three blocks to the bar. The bar that held so many memories for the two of them. He needed to talk to Meredith more than he needed to breath at that moment. But as he walked into the bar, to his horror, he saw that he worst fear had somehow become a reality, there she was, his perfect wife, sitting in a booth, drinking and laughing with another man. What the hell, Derek thought as all the hope, all the air rushed out of him.

"Who the hell are you?" Derek said to the man sitting with his wife.

* * *

Cliffhanger again, my bad. See I told you not to totally hate Doctor Gordon Leed. The next chapter should be out soon, since you all should know how I feel about wedgies. I hope you all liked this one because I know several of you had been somewhat apprehensive about how fickle and dimensionless Derek has been in my story and I hope this chapter starts to relieve your fears. Anyway thanks for reading

Cheers

Lumae


	15. Chapter 15

Next chapter enjoy - Lumae

* * *

"Who the hell are you.?" Derek yelled, as a million thoughts fluttered through his mind. Was this it, that Meredith had given up all hope on him. He could see why she would, but wished she wouldn't. Was he really about to meet the man who Bailey and Zola would one day call their father as the image of him faded into the background, as just the man who hurt their mother. Was this it, he knew Meredith wouldn't cheat on him, but he did not trust this other man.

Meredith stared at her husband in, shock. This was the last thing she needed. She was thankful that the bar was all but empty, as it was only four o'clock. The only other people their were a few regulars who spent their days perched on the bar stools.

"Derek, what are you doing here?"She asked.

"It, it doesn't matter, who are you?" Derek said staring directly at the man, who he imagined was hitting on his wife.

"I'm Paul Smith, Doctor Paul Smith." Paul said, standing up and offering Derek his hand, Derek of course ignored it.

"and you must be Derek Shepherd, Meredith's husband." Paul said sitting back down.

"Derek, please, sit down you're making a scene." Meredith said, looking around, she was not in the mood for this today, any day but today. Derek pulled a chair up to the table and took a seat, was he really too late he thought rubbing his hand over his face.

"You're right I'm sorry I yelled." Derek said to the man he didn't quite know, except for a name.

"Apology accepted Doctor Shepherd." Paul said taking a sip from his beer.

"So do you know Meredith?" Derek asked, trying to stay calm, he wanted to stay calm and find out as much as he could about the man sitting next to him.

"I." Paul paused looking at Meredith. Technically he could not divulge how he knew Meredith, not with out breaking patient doctor confidentiality.

"He's the shrink." Meredith said, sensing Paul's unease.

"You're dating your patients that's really appropriate." Derek said sarcastically.

"Derek stop it. I was here feeling sorry for myself because my patient died, thus ending my streak and Paul just happened to be here missing his daughter, so we decided to be two unhappy sort of sad but not clinically depressed people sitting in a bar together because that's slight less sad than two unhappy sort of sad and probably closer to clinically depressed people sitting alone in a bar." Meredith said, she was really not in the mood for Derek's antics.

"Okay, okay, I am sorry I yelled and jumped to conclusions." Derek admitted realizing how stupid he had been.

"Would we be able to talk Meredith?" Derek asked.

"We are talking Derek, you really didn't give me much choice." Meredith said.

"I meant alone."

"No Derek, we can't I didn't come here tonight to talk to you. I came here to get partially drunk, I came here to just be me for a while. You need to leave Derek. I need you to leave, let me be me, we will talk later." Meredith said downing her drink.

"Please" Derek said.

"I can leave." Paul offered feeling awkward.

"No Paul, you stay, Derek leave now, go home, go home to the kids, go see your children, go map the brain, I don't care what you do just leave okay." Meredith yelled.

"I think maybe you should go Derek." Paul said, pushing Derek close to the cliff.

"I think you should stay out of this." Derek said, only to regret it.

"Really Derek, really you are telling him to stay out of our marriage." Meredith yelled standing up.  
"Derek he is knee deep in our marriage because of you. Because you went deep into someone else. He has to hear about our flailing marriage everyday because you broke me Derek. You cheated on me Derek." Meredith yelled.

"You cheated on me and now you have the audacity to sit there and be jealous of a man who is just trying to help our marriage. It hurts Derek it hurts so much. Not just the cheating but the fact that you would think I would cheat on you. I am not you Derek I am not the cheater." Meredith continued.

"You know what Derek, I am going to leave. You stay, you do what you want. You always do anyway." Meredith said getting up and leaving.

Derek sat there, stunned, he had come into the bar with such hope, such gusto, he was going to tell Meredith how he could not live without her, how she meant the world to him and it had all gone down the drain.

"You know she loves you." Paul said as Derek turned to face him.

"What?" Derek asked.

"How can you be so sure, after all I've done to her, how can you be so sure?"

"She loves you, I have spent way too many hours in the past month listening to your wife talk about you, talk about all your trials and tribulations. I know you are too angry and worked up to care for my opinion but I am going to give it to you anyway. She loves you, she doesn't quite like you right now but she's working on it, she wants to make it work, don't you see that. Your wife loves you and whilst I sort of can't see why, I think you need to stop beating chest like some gorilla and accept that she is cross and work through it." Paul said looking at the broken soul sitting beside him.

"I know, I know, I just, I saw her with someone else and it just. She's my wife and she's my life. I came here, I came here looking for her to tell her, to tell her that she is my life, that she is my everything, that she is the greatest thing I will ever do, or ever have, she is my world and I can't live with out her."Derek said running his hands through his hairs.

"You really do love her." Paul mused, satisfied that the man he was questioning the character of, was able to live up to Meredith's needs.

"Of course I do, I just wish it didn't take this for me to realize how important she is to me." Derek said.

"You know in my line of work, I see a lot of mistakes, a lot of big gigantic mistakes and as confronting as that can seem, it is also amazing. Because what I have learnt is that, there is no mistake too big, to drastic, that it can't be mended. You fight your way back from anything Derek. This, this in the scheme of your life, once all is done and dusted, could end up being nothing but a dark somewhat unpleasant chapter that you overcame, and repaired the damage that happened." Paul said wisely.

"You are a much better therapist than Doctor Leed." Derek admitted.

"Doctor Leed, that old ticker, is quite the aloof member of our field, you see him?" Paul asked surprised.

"Yes and he's absolutely repulsive." Derek said.

"It's funny you say that, he has a reputation for being some what unconventional but sometimes it is in the unconventional that we find our greatest leaps into the conventional. I've never heard of a patient who was not profoundly changed by Doctor Leed." Paul said.

"But enough about him, you need to go after Meredith. Go talk to her, tell her how you it s the only way to repair the damage." Paul said, before getting up.

"But Derek, don't hurt her again, don't hurt the most remarkable thing in your life twice." Paul said walking off.

Derek paused, drinking in the moment. Paul was right he had to go after Meredith, he had to talk to her, he had to start repairing the damage. So Derek got in his car and started to drive, thoughts shifted through his mind, swirling cascading, as he got to a fork in the road he stopped, usually he took the let road, as it was quicker and an easier drive, but tonight for some reason he felt compelled to take the right road. As he drove along, he suddenly came to a halting stop, a car had driven off the road and had ended up in the embankment beside the road and to Derek's horror he realized he recognized that car.

* * *

Okay so I decided to do my buff down here, as you all guest it was Paul perhaps that is shotty writing on my behalf, I mean how awkward is that so predictable and cliche. Anyway more growth more movement, I will update soon, so as to not leave anyone in the lurch. Also to that reviewer who was oh so snarky about my last chapter and the psychiatrist in it, this is fiction if you can't accept that and have to argue with every bit, stop reading and maybe go back and talk to one of the many therapists you said you have seen over the past few years and ask them why it is that you seem to find validation in being such a snarky twit. To all my other readers and reviewers I apologise that you had to read that but it is seriously becoming annoying and I do not appreciate being called stupid.

Anyway, will write again soon.

Cheers

Lumae


	16. Chapter 16

So next chapter, you can un-wedgie yourselves. So this is chapter 16 if you haven't read 15 go back and do so please! Also chapter ten is like seriously under read compared to all my other chapters, not sure why but out of a lot of the chapters it does hold same fairly crucial plot points. Anyway here's the next chapter. - Lumae.

* * *

Meredith cursed, she had swerved off the road to avoid a deer and now her car wouldn't start and in the chaos of the it all she had some how sprained her ankle, the intense throbbing pain seared upwards from her foot. The passengers side window had smashed and the car was covered with beads of glass.

"Dammit." She yelled staring at her phone, no reception, she was stuck in the woods, on an almost deserted road.

"Dammit." She yelled again as heavy tears started to stream down her face.

Today was not her day. She had lost a long term patient on her table. Alicia Fields, she had known Alicia since her final years of residency when she first met the then twenty one year old who had a bad liver and a cute donor compatible fiance. She had assisted on Alicia's first liver transplant which was a success and she had happily watched as Alicia came in every year for her check up. The first year Alicia had brought pictures of her wedding and honeymoon. The next she gushed over the big promotion Ed had got and how they could finally buy a house and start a family. She met Oliver, Alicia's newborn son, only few weeks ago when Alicia had been in for her check up, it was that day that Meredith had discovered that despite Alicia's perfectly functioning liver, she now had bowel cancer, and today she had died on Meredith's table, Meredith had to tell Ed who was holding a crying Oliver, that his wife, the mother of his son was dead.

Then when she had escaped to the bar, Derek had showed up, beating his chest like a gorilla. In the past couple of weeks she had grown to miss him. Her sessions with Doctor Smith had taught her that she was a smart, successful, brilliant woman, who was nothing like her mother and did not need a man in her life. But still a part of her, an irrational, emotion filled nook, wanted Derek in her life. But tonight had shown her that maybe it was impossible to love a man who was such a wreck. Who belittled and degraded their relationship at seemingly every turn. He had embarrassed her and hurt her. And now here she was, sitting in her banged up car, on the side of a barely used road, as the rain pelted her windscreen. with a sprained ankle, a bruised ego and no way of getting any help. Why had her life taken such an unfortunate turn. Why she wondered as she saw the headlights of a car pull up.

"Help!" she yelled, hitting the horn on her steering wheel.

She saw the shadow of a man get out of the car, as she squinted through the rain painted window. As he walked towards her car she caught a glimpse of the person. No it couldn't she thought as she realized who it was.

"Derek." She muttered as she saw him slip down the embankment. Tumbling into a heap at the bottom of the hill, he deserved that she thought until, he didn't get back up.

"Derek" She yelled opening her door and trying to get out only to be reminded why she couldn't as her ankle throbbed and pulsed with pain.

"Meredith." Derek said, finally picking himself up off the ground, and trying to brush some of the mud off.

"Are you okay Meredith." Derek said, moving towards her.

Meredith couldn't help but seethe with anger, why did he have to show up. She didn't want to be saved by him.

"Leave Derek." Meredith yelled shutting her door.

"I'm not leaving." Derek said opening her door.

"I said leave, can't you ever just listen." Meredith said, looking up at her husband.

"I don't need you to rescue me." Meredith said

"I am not leaving we are in this together." Derek said.

"I don't need you Derek." Meredith said, trying to swat him away.

"I was fine, perfect even, until you came." Meredith said, and Derek sensed she was talking about more than just this evening.

"I don't need you Derek." Meredith said.

"I know." Derek said, much to Meredith's surprise.

"I know you don't need me." He said, causing Meredith to face him.

"You are amazing all by yourself." He said

"I need you." He admitted, because he did, he really needed her.

"I need you more than I need air to breath, more than I need blood to circulate the air, more than I need my heart to beat. I need you more than anything in the world." He said.

"But you are not my world Meredith, you are the center of my universe. You are the sun. You shine light and warmth into all of the dark cob web filled corners of my life, illuminating my world with happiness and make the days change, the minutes turn, you make my life worth something. You make me complete, you are the reason I live. I know you don't need me, I am nothing but a rogue asteroid or the moon. You can live with out me, your life probably wouldn't change all that much with out me. You had one hundred good outcomes without me in your life. I weigh you down, when I should be the one building you up. I promised you I would support you, that I would give you the year to make you career count and I did not keep that promise. I chose myself, I was selfish and a bad husband. I chose myself over you and our family and I will be forever apologizing for that. I cheated on you, I broke our vows. I ran. I made a lot of mistakes and I don't expect you to ever be able to forgive me. But I promise, no I vow, to make it up to you everyday of for the rest of forever. I quit the brain mapping initiative, I sent email to the president, after I left the bar because you are and always will be more important than any job. You are my life. I love you Meredith Grey, and I stand before you, covered in mud, soaked in rain and sweat, telling you that I know you don't need me but I need you and I can only hope, you will let me be in your life." Derek said as a tear ran down his face.

"I need you." He said once more.

And Meredith didn't know what it was, but she felt her heart faster, she felt some of the pain and anger dissipate.

"You quit?" She asked.

"Yep I told the President where he could stick it. I don't think I'll be getting any more job offers. But that is okay because that job, it doesn't matter to me anymore, I don't think it ever did. You are all that has ever mattered." He said.

"Now are you okay?" He asked again.

"My ankle, I think it's sprained and the car won't start." Meredith said as Derek leaned in and scooped her up, she didn't resist.

Derek, held his breathe as she wrapped her arms around his neck, he had missed her touch. He breathed in her scent lavender, how had missed this.

"Oww, Derek it really hurts." Meredith said.

"I know Meredith, I'll take you home and put some ice on it." He said walking up the slippery slope.

As he reached the top Meredith, beckoned to be let down, so he obliged.

"Thank you Derek." She said.

"Thank you for showing up." She said, as she pulled him in for a kiss and in that moment all that was all that mattered to both of them. Her anger and resentment faded for just a moment as their bodies intertwined, soaking up the feelings they had been missing for such a long time. As she pulled away, she looked up at Derek.

"I know I can live with out you, but I have realized that I don't want to, I don't ever want to live without you in my life." She said as a small smile appeared on his face.

As Derek drove back to their house, they sat in silence. Neither wanting to say anything. They both new they still had a long way to go to truly heal, but it was the first time in along time that both of them realized that maybe there was a chance.

* * *

Okay so how was that. For those who still hold some resentment to Derek please note that I know they still have along way to go. I hope I managed to start to repair Derek. Just a bit he's really not an easy character to work with. Anyway as always thanks for the reviews.

Cheers

Lumae


	17. Chapter 17

Next chapter enjoy

* * *

"You quit your job." Meredith said as she lay on the couch with her swollen ankle propped up against an ice pack.

"Yes" Derek said, taking a seat across from her.

"It was the right decision." He said.

"Actually I didn't even need to make a decision, I never should have even considered that there was a choice because there was no choice. You are all I want, this life, I want to live it, not just exist in it. That job, it wasn't me. It was Neurosurgeon me, and only that. I want to be more than just neurosurgeon Derek, in fact I don't really want to be him at all, or at least not defined by that. I want to be Derek Shepherd your husband. I want to be the man you married, I can't do that as neurosurgeon Derek. I don't want to watch my kids grow up on the computer. I want to be here to see you operate, to see you shine because I know you will, I know you are going to be a greater surgeon than I ever will be. I don't want to be a job, I want to live my life, with you hopefully." Derek said finding clarity.

"Do you mean that?" Meredith asked raising an eyebrow.

"If words meant anything I would promise you that I meant it." Derek said.

"But I'm not sure if they do anymore." Derek said looking down.

"You quit your job. That means something." Meredith said.

"It means something to me." She continued, because yes sometimes actions did speak louder than words.

"What will you do now?" Meredith asked, she was curious, she really hoped he didn't intend on trying to steal Head of Neurosurgery from Amelia again.

"Work, just work, I'll consult under Amelia of course." Derek said.

"It's hardly what you are used to, that's a big step back in your career Derek." Meredith said.

"So." Derek said,

"I don't care, because it's a bigger step up in my life, I'll have more time for the kids and you. You can take a step up in your career if you want. I can give you the time to do that. I'll still be saving lives and that's why I got into medicine in the first place. I want to save lives not change the world." Derek said.

"I want to make this work Derek. I do."Meredith said, hesitating, She was starting to believe Derek, starting to realise that he had made a change, that he had figured out what made him happy and what he wanted and she happy that he had seemingly chosen her and the kids. She just was not sure if he truly meant what he was saying.

"But"Derek said, there was always a but.

"But Derek, it wasn't just about the job, or the cheating, it was more, it is more. The problem I think is you are sometimes irrational, you don't think things through, think how they will affect those around you, think about the consequences. You said you would take a step back from your career so I could advance my career and as soon as someone offered you something better and shinier, you decided to forgo what you promised me, for your own professional gain. It was like you ignored my career. My career matters Derek, my career already took a hit when I was pregnant with Bailey a hit I was happy to take because I love Bailey and I am so thankful that we got the opportunity to have another child, but it was my turn to shine and you eclipsed me, so you could be better. That hurts. " She paused, as Derek absorbed what she said.

"The thing I want to know, and I've been talking about this with Paul, is why am I only important when you think you are about to lose me." Meredith said.

"Zola will play with a toy, then put it aside and then start to whinge and whine when Bailey picks up the toy to play with. When she gets it back, she plays with it for a little while longer and then once again discards it." Meredith said.

"Am I a toy?" Meredith asked.

"Am I a toy to you?" Meredith repeats.

"I can see how you could think that." Derek said.

"And I am so sorry that I have made feel like that." He continued.

"But Meredith you are not a toy to me and I know that because today when I was seeing Doctor Leed, he was saying all these derogatory sexist disgusting things about you and I was filling with rage, not because I thought I'd lose you but because I realized that I couldn't live without you, that I didn't want anything but you. That you mattered to me more than anything. That's why I quit my job, because I want you and nothing else is important. I saw you with Paul and that made me angry but not at you, even though it may have come off like that, I was angry at myself, for being so stupid that I had lost you. It wasn't that I thought you were cheating, that you were doing something wrong, it was that I thought I had lost any hope of letting you know how I felt and that you had finally decided I was not worth playing with." Derek said,

"I am the toy." He said.

"But please don't throw me away." Derek said as he stared at Meredith.

"How do we fix this Derek, how do we make it work again."Meredith said.

"I don't know. Honestly. I think we just have to take it one day at a time. Slowly, we can do it, navigate through the murky waters." He said.

"Baby steps." Meredith said with a small smile.

"Baby steps." Derek said.

"One day at a time." Meredith continued.

"I can do that. I think." Meredith said.

"I need you to spend a day with the kids a week, without working." Meredith said.

"Okay." Derek said.

"Because I want a day a week for research." Meredith said.

"I can do that, I want to do that, be with the kids." Derek said, smiling at the thought.

"and I think we should start seeing a couples therapist as well." Meredith said.

"Done, but I'd still like to keep seeing someone by myself as well, just maybe not Doctor Leeds" Derek said.

"That's fine, I think that's a good idea." Meredith agreed.

"And I think you should move back into the house." Meredith finally said.

"Really." Derek said surprised.

"Are you, are we, ready?"Derek asked.

"I'm not sure but there is only one way to find out and I think if we want to make this work again it will be easier if we live in the same house. Maybe not the same bed yet." Meredith said.

"Baby steps" Derek said.

"Baby steps." Meredith grinned.

"You can probably stay in the guest room Amelia doesn't seem to be using it much anymore." Meredith said.

"I know, she sleeps over in the trailer with Owen most nights now." Derek said.

"What she's sleeping with Owen?" Meredith asked surprised.

"Dating, starting a relationship with him more like it, you didn't know?" Derek asked, surprised Amelia had not told Meredith.

"No, I didn't, are you okay with it?" Meredith asked, well aware how Derek had responded to Lexie sleeping with Mark and how protective he was of Amelia.

"Yes I am he's a better man than me in a lot of ways, they are good together." Derek admitted as he heard a car pull up. Amelia was back with the kids.

Meredith and Derek sat there in the silence for a moment. A lot had been said tonight, a lot had happened but they both felt that things where defiantly changing for the better. They both realized it wasn't going to be easy. But they had hope and hope was a powerful emotion, hope lead them to believe that they could make this work and repair the fractures that their marriage had, together as a pair, in harmony. They would make this work one tiny baby step at a time.

That night, Derek fell asleep in the same house as his wife and kids and for the first time in along time, he felt happy as he drifted off and so did Meredith.

* * *

So Hope you all had a good Easter, or are having one depending on time zones. Shall post another chapter soon I promise.

Cheers

Lumae

So I hate to do this to the casual friendly readers, but if there is one thing that annoys me, it is when someone starts up a discussion as an anonymous guest, raising a number of questionable points. I believe is their right to have an opinion, just as it is my right to also have an opinion but because it was an anonymous guest, I have no way, to discuss this with them other than writing at the end of my story. So because I have opinions and understand more than this nameless guest seems to give me credit for I will now interact with them through the bottom of my story but I would love to do it through private messaging, for the record, if they had an account. So for everyone else you don't have to keep reading

The comment for those who have decided to read this. Was talking about how my characters where unlikable, mainly Derek, my story line was immature, some stuff about doctor patient confidentiality and oathes and accountability. the comment should be up soon.

Most people don't actually understand that there is no direct punishment for breaking the Hippocratic Oath. I mean in a lot of ways the Hippocratic Oath is a formality and a gimic, that is largely outdated in today's medical world. Now I am not saying that I think doctors should randomly go into peoples house and injure them for the heck of it. Or that they should knowingly give patients the wrong medication or treatment because they can and no they should not go around with a megaphone yelling that X patient has syphilis. But the reality is the Hippocratic oath is not the thing that governs the professional conduct of doctors and in a world that Hippocrates himself would have struggled to imagine when he devices the oath, it is probably for the best. Doctors are governed by a code of conduct yes, and the learn this not through the writings of one manuscript of translated Ionic Greek, but instead through extensive ethics lectures that help them charter their many ethical moments. And seriously if you are that naive to believe that every doctor who has ever practiced medicine has never strayed from the code of ethics then you crack me up. Further have you ever watched Grey's Anatomy because seriously the ethic violations on that show are hilarious, (and the anatomy, it's like really that is not distal, plus seriously don't even get me started on the actual medical errors.)

Also do you honestly believe that no patient has ever become friends with their doctor, or interacted with them outside a professional situation? I mean yeah, maybe it is not a hundred percent professional, and I would agree does to an extent blurs the lines and is not necessarily conducive to effective treatment but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen and truthfully, there are worse things that doctors do with patients. Plus in the real world the interaction between doctors and doctors as patients, is also quite different to how non doctors patients would interact with their doctor, it's actually really interesting.

So about doctor Smith revealing confidential info did you notice that whilst Dr Smith did introduce himself he did not introduce himself as Meredith's psychiatrist, Meredith did. He also did not disclose any specifics of what Meredith said, more just his impressions, plus technically none of what he said was actually medical in a sense. Further Since technically Doctor Patient confidentiality, legally is based on contract law and in practice is actually an implied contract between a doctor and their patient, legally one has to prove that this implied contract is actually in effect, to prove that a doctor broke such a contract and as Meredith already divulged the fact that she had been discussing their situation with said doctor, that implied contract (that may or may not have even existed) goes even further out the window into the fog . Also the question I pose is did his supposed ethical violation negatively affect his patient? Do you think Meredith would put in a complaint, or file a malpractice lawsuit against him? Do you think Doctors never talk about their patients?

And in relation to Doctor Leeds yes he is unconventional. However, there are a lot of doctors, who are still considered reputable and who don't conform to the norm. These doctors are often labeled quacks, and I like the rest of rationally minded community find 'quacks', to have generally speaking, implausible treatment regimes. The thing is, it is an undeniable fact that patients still flock to see quacks, and some even do find answers and cures, in the these not so evidence based treatments, by these unconventional doctors. This fascinating and fantastic to play with in a writing sense.

Also further, For your information, for next time you decide to talk about this Guest psychiatrists have patients not clients, psychologists they have clients because they are not medical doctors. The amount of people who get those two professions mixed up is astonishing. Also I find it even more hilarious that whilst your comment does seem to drop an awful things about psychology lectures and the American board for Psychiatrist and Neurologists, (who I really doubt would appreciate it if I reported a fictional character, actually maybe the psychiatrists would be interested) you seem to have failed to notice what I think is a bigger blunder, in the fact that despite not really creating either character to have a psychiatric problem I have sent both of them to a psychiatrist, even though their problems really are more suited to seeing a psychologist. and I mean if you had any idea about psychology and psychiatry, I would have thought you would have picked that one up straight away and started picking away and maybe mentioned that instead. In the end, you seem to have a lot to say and question about a fictional story. one last thing, you say you don't like my Derek character and he is well a word I don't like to use, in my story he does cheat, I mean how likable would you like the cheating husband to be. If you want to say that my portrayal of a character is, (I'm going to say) as Dbag, please can you explain why and suggest how I fix it. I except criticism and I do like a good discussion, please feel free to make and account, it's really easy and then everyone can read what you write as well. I would be more than happy to discuss this with you in detail and I think others would be happier too.

At the end of the day, if you don't like how I write, or you find my plot line to be childish, outlandish, immature, tiresome, unbelievable or whatever, you don't have to read it. this is just a fun, 30 minute warm up, before I do actual creative writing. I don't really care if you like it or not. i will repeat you don't have to read it and heck maybe you should stop if you really feel like I am hitting you over the head with a book, I don't want to give you brain damage after all. I think the ultimate question is why do you persist.

Anyway Cheers

Lumae


	18. Chapter 18

So here's a lighter chapter, that I enjoyed I think you all will too, let me know if it made you laugh- Lumae PS Check to see if you read the last chapter.

* * *

Three weeks had gone by and Meredith and Derek had continued to make progress. Taking tiny baby steps each day along the road to recovery. They had found a couples counselor and had started working through their problems together. Derek had gone back to work, under Amelia as promised and he had found himself finding true joy in clipping aneurysms and repairing spines, he loved that his job was now predictable, nine to five most days. He had taken Saturdays off to spend the day with the kids as promised, they had gone fishing on the lake, they didn't catch much but both children had seemed to thoroughly enjoy their day spent with their dad. Derek and Meredith had continued to car pool to work even after Meredith's car was fixed.

The brain mapping initiative had still continued to move to Seattle, though Derek as promised had played no further role in it's management. Some Canadian Neurologist had taken control of its trajectory. Derek didn't miss the brain mapping initiative, he had feared he may have, but as he realized the life he could have without it, all thoughts of changing the world completely evaporated. Perhaps his contribution to the project was to get it away from the swirling political mess off DC, so the people who could really make a difference could just focus on the brain alone.

Things where going okay for the two of them. They where slowly but surely finding their way back.

"So how's it going?" Maggie asked her sister as she sat down in the empty chair across from Meredith in the cafeteria.

"How's what going?" Meredith asked not looking up from the journal article she was perusing.

"You know, you and Derek." Maggie said.

"We're fine." Meredith said, still not looking up.

"Look I still don't know you that well, but I can't help but notice that fine doesn't sound like you are fine."Maggie prodded as Meredith placed the journal article on the table and stared at her sister.

"We are fine." Meredith said.

"He's moved back in, I am even thinking of letting him back in the bedroom. He seems happy, so I am happy, we are fine." Meredith said.  
"Whatever you say." Maggie said, knowingly.

"It's just, I was talking to Paul, the shrink, I'm scared that things are a little too fine. That it's just a mirage, just a stop gap, just a pause, just a bandaid hiding the grizzly looking wound beneath it and what happens when the bandaid falls off?" Meredith asked.

"So you're not fine." Maggie said.

"No I think we are and that's the problem, even when we are fine, I don't think we are." Meredith admitted.

"Okay." Maggie said.

"Okay that's all you've got to say. I need you to say something more than okay." Meredith said, staring at her sister, Lexie would have said something more than okay.

"Okay, I think that this is something you are probably best to work through with someone who isn't me." Maggie said.

"You are suppose to be supportive." Meredith snapped.

"I am being supportive, it would not help you getting advice from me. Why are you in such a touchy mood?" Maggie asked.

"Because unlike everyone else in this hospital I haven't gotten laid in months." Meredith said, before regretting it. She didn't even know that was what was causing her contention until she said it.

"Well not everyone is getting laid." Maggie said embarrassed

"Please I saw you sneaking around with that oncologist." Meredith said.

"Radiologist, but enough about that, you want to get laid?" Maggie asked surprised.

"Yes, no, I don't know. I love Derek, and we have always had a very, well physical, relationship and I still haven't completely forgiven him for cheating but I am getting there, I think. It's just, I have needs, and he at this house, all dreamy and somewhat awkward. He walked in on me in the shower the other day and he apologised before turning around. I mean that's messed up right?" Meredith said.

"Yeah maybe." Maggie admitted.

"It's like how do I even bring up the conversation. Is he embarrassed by my body. Does he find me unattractive?" Meredith asked.

"Maybe he can't get it up." Alex said as he took a seat.

"Alex," Meredith said, "Don't sneak up into peoples conversations."

"I'm just saying maybe he can't get it up." He said, pinching some french fries off her plate whilst she wasn't looking.

"Who can't get it up?" Callie asked joining the table.

"Shepherd." Alex said, grabbing some of Callie's food.

"Dude, do you not know how to get your own food?" Maggie asked moving her tray out of his reach. Alex just shrugged.

"So you tried?" Callie asked "And he couldn't get it up."

"No," Meredith said. "This is why you shouldn't but into other peoples conversations."

"Meredith was just saying how she wanted to get laid, but was worried it would be weird or something." Maggie said, filling the interlopers in.

"Oh it will be." Callie said, "The first time is."  
"That's reassuring." Meredith said,

"It is, but it will be different, for both of you." Callie continued

"It's just, he won't even look at me naked." Meredith admitted.

"What a dick." Alex said. "He banged a random and now he won't even look at his hot wife."

"Alex." Maggie hissed, sometimes she struggled to see what Meredith saw in him.

"Arizona wouldn't look at me naked after she cheated for ages. She stared away she saw me in just my underwear even."Callie admitted.

"Dude that's messed up." Alex said.

"I think it's because she didn't feel like she had a right to see me naked once she had slept with Boswell and Leah." Callie said.

"Leah, we really are related through sex and for the record you were way better in the sack than Leah." Alex laughed.

"This conversation just keeps getting weirder and weirder ." Maggie said, it seemed somewhat strange that they all had intertwining sex lives, her other hospital was very plain and prudish compared to Grey Sloan.

"So what should I do?" Meredith asked, she didn't feel quite comfortable having this conversation with Paul or in couples therapy.

"Do him." Alex said.

"He's right." Callie said, "Just do it, you'll probably fumble and feel awkward at first but I think it helps, the sex, I think it helps, helps reconnect."

"And yet her marriage ended." Alex said.

"Look Meredith, just talk to him." Maggie said, offering what might have been the only useful suggestion to come out of the whole conversation.

"Talk is cheap." Alex said "Bang him and go from there, you are not built for celibacy. Plus you can't bang Owen because he's banging Amelia."

"I haven't had sex with her." Alex said.

"And I haven't slept with Owen." Callie said

"So neither of them are related through sex?" Callie said, shocked that they seemed to be missing from the tangled web.

"Amelia slept with Sloan." Meredith said getting up.

"There it is." Alex said as if order had been restored.

"So I'm leaving you to finish adding to your who banged who book." Maggie said getting up, suddenly her appetite had disappeared. Or maybe it was because she felt like sitting at that table increased her chances of getting syphilis exponentially

"Here you can eat this," She said sliding her tray towards Alex.

"The fries a soggy," He called out as he pushed the tray away. " I hate soggy fries."

"Your sister's weird." Alex said, moving the fork around Maggie's tray.

"I like her." Meredith said as her pager went off.

"Got to go." She said getting up.

"So are you going to do it with Derek?" Callie asked.

"I" Meredith decided not to answer, maybe some things weren't best shared with everyone, she thought, starting to leave.

"Tell him if he has trouble getting it up, I can write him a script for the blue pills." Alex called out as Meredith quickly made her escape.

The rest of the day went relatively easy for Meredith, she removed some gall stones, consulted on a few cases and did some more reading into a research project she was thinking about. She had managed to distract herself from the conversation she had in the cafeteria until she was driving home. Derek had taken the afternoon off, to take Zola to a Ballet performance at the theater. As she sat in her car, pausing before she entered the house, she thought of what was said and how she felt and decided maybe she should just talk to Derek.

She walked in the door and saw Derek wiping the kitchen bench down, damn he looked sexy, doing house work she thought gritting her teeth.

"Hey,' He said with a smile, looking up at her.

"How was work?" He asked walking over to give her a kiss on the cheek, a baby step they had taken in the middle of last week.

"It was fine, how was the Ballet?" Meredith asked placing her bag down and taking her coat off.

"It was great Zola loved it." He said.

"Have you eaten, I can heat you something up." He offered.

"Derek." She said

"I want to have sex." She said, feeling a relief as the words left her mouth.

"Okay." Derek said, looking at her in shock, that wasn't a baby step.

* * *

Sort of a cliff hanger, will get to it soon. Hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice day

Cheers

Lumae


	19. Chapter 19

So I have an admission to make, I can't write sex scenes. Not like a play by play, pardoning the pun. Because I often post multiple chapters within 24 hours, the story doesn't always flash updated, so if you didn't here about the who banged who book, please go back and read the previous chapter. Thanks - Lumae

* * *

"Okay" Derek said, shocked. This was not a baby step. This was, this was a huge leap of faith.

"Are, you, are you sure.?" Derek stuttered. How was it that he had the most amazing wife in the world.

"Yes Derek, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't." Meredith said, rolling her eyes. She had just offered her husband sex and he had paused.

"Do you want to do it, or just talk about doing it?" Meredith asked, starting to doubt.

"I want to." Derek said, the lust in his eyes, burning clear and bright, he did want to do it, more than anything but things had been going so well. They had been healing and Derek was worried that Sex, that a massive leap of faith, would derail all the positive little baby steps.

"Come on." Meredith said, taking her shirt off and dropping it on the floor.

Derek's mouth felt like it had fallen to the ground. His cheeks burnt red hot, as he blushed, as Meredith shimmied out of her pants.

"Are you coming or not?" Meredith asked, pausing at the doorway into their bedroom, before disappearing.

Derek, wanted her so bad, his body ached for her touch, to lye in their bed and make love, but he really was unsure if this was the right time or even the right thing.

"Meredith," He said, as he walked into their, room, his breath catching at the sight of his beautiful wife lying naked on their bed.

"Are you just going to stand there?" Meredith asked cocking her head.

Derek just stood there, he wanted to be with her, more than anything, but he was not sure it was right.

"Look," Meredith said, sensing his hesitation.

"I want this" she said, standing up and walking over to kiss Derek. His heart felt like it leapt out of his chest as their tongues intertwined.

"I want this Derek." she said, her hands tugging on his shirt.

"and I know it's going to be weird, different, things have changed since, but this is part of the journey and I know it doesn't feel like a baby step." she said.

"but sometimes you just need to lean into the fear." Meredith said, pulling Derek's shirt off and running her warm delicate hands over his chest.

"Sometimes you just need to lean into the fear." Meredith whispered into Derek's ear.

"and leap." She said gazing into Derek's eyes, she could see the desire, she knew he wanted it.

"Meredith." Derek said, letting go of his hesitations and picking her up, as her laughter filled the room.

"I love you so much." He said, laying her on their bed.

Their bodies intertwined, in a sensual mess, of bliss and pleasure, a rekindling, a recollection of the memories of the past. As they ravaged each other, all the pain and agony of the past few weeks seemed to wash away, as two bodies became one, as all their thoughts centered in on each other. The focus became not on their lives but on their beings. They exploded into a panting heap of tangled limbs and satisfied bodies. They were them, this was them, two lovers united as one.

"That was." Meredith panted, trying to catch her breath. Basking in the hot glow of their love making, she breathed in the clarity, she loved her husband. She had missed this part of her relationship, more than she cared to admit.

"That was amazing." Derek said, because it was. It always was. He gazed into her eyes, savoring the moment.

"Amazing doesn't begin to describe it." Meredith said, placing her hand on Derek's chest, she could feel his heart beating, it soothed her.

"And it wasn't, it wasn't weird, it didn't feel different, it just felt like us. I was a bit scared that it would be different." Meredith admitted, gazing away.

"I know," Derek said, pulling her in closer. "I'm sorry you felt that way."

"Do you want to go again?" Meredith asked, raising an eyebrow, seductively.

"Yes." Derek said, as she rolled on top of him.

"But Meredith, I don't want us to get lost in the sex." Derek said as Meredith rolled off him.

"What." Meredith said shocked.

"Whenever we ever fight, historically, we get lost in the make up sex and I'm not complaining, I love having sex with you, I love make up sex, but I just don't want to get lost in the love making." Derek said looking into Meredith's eyes.

"So you don't want to have sex again, tonight?" Meredith asked, slightly stunned, but also seeing his point. They did tend to bury their feelings in each other, rather than deal with the issues at hand.

"I do Meredith, I want to more than anything, but baby steps, I'm not sure if they include night long sex marathons." Derek admitted.

"You've changed." Meredith said with a smile, he was right.

"I am very glad we had sex, though." Meredith said, wrapping her arms around Derek.

"Me too." Derek admitted.

"I was scared that you didn't want to have sex with me anymore." Meredith admitted shying away.

"Meredith," Derek said, pausing to turn Meredith to look him in the eyes.

"You don't ever have to be scared of that." He said, kissing her with such intense passion a moan escaped her lips.

"No sex." Meredith said, breaking the kiss apart before it went to a point where neither could return.

"agreed," Derek said wrapping her in his arms, "at least for tonight anyway."he whispered softly, before placing soft gentle kisses down Meredith's neck.

He was glad that they could be open, and intimate, with Meredith. That she understood his feelings and was willing to work with him. He was glad that they could both speak their minds, That she had felt comfortable enough to even broach the topic of sex. He had thought, after what he had done, after what he had broken, that he would be waiting a lot longer for any sort of intimacy. His wife was amazing, he thought pulling her in closer.

"I love you so much Meredith." Derek said, kissing her one last time.

"I love you too." Meredith said, closing her eyes.

Derek, looked at her, before gently letting go and reaching for his pants.

"Where are you going?" Meredith asked, still not opening her eyes.

"Back to my bed." Derek said sheepishly.

"Really, you think you can have sex with me and just sneak out?" Meredith asked, as a small smile appeared on her lips.

"I" Derek stuttered, shocked once again by his wife.

"Get back into bed." She said, finally opening her eyes.

"Okay." Derek said, a big smile appearing on his face. Sometimes you have it turns out you do have to lean into the fear and just have faith that it will workout, tonight was one of those occasions, they leaned in, and somehow fell through the fear into a better place. They both fell asleep, entangled in bliss. This would work.

* * *

So as I said, really bad at writing sex like scenes, plus for some creepy reason, every time I went to write intimate, I ended up writing interment, kinda awkward, I think corrected them each time. Also just because they had sex doesn't mean they are fixed. Anyway, I am sitting outside in my hammock enjoying the first cool breezes of autumn and I can only hope, that you all are having as pleasant a day as I am.

Cheers

Lumae


	20. Chapter 20

Next Chapter, within a couple of hours of the last. So if you haven't read the chapter you were all waiting for, it's the one before this one. You might get another today, I do feel like I am in a procrastinating mood. anyway enjoy - Lumae

* * *

It had been a few days, since Meredith and Derek's romantic evening, as promised, they had just had sex one time that night. She had enjoyed waking up in his arms the next morning, and falling asleep in them the next evening. The threat of the other shoe dropping, disappeared, and they continued to take baby steps, more kisses, and touches, more intimacy, without their judgement being clouded. Today Meredith had left home early, for her appointment with Paul.

"So."Paul said, pulling out the notebook, and rummaging through his bag for a pen.

"How are you and Derek?" Paul asked, finding a pen and scribbling on his notebook to see if it worked, it did.

"We had sex." Meredith blurted out as she sat in the all to familiar sit, staring at the same succulent she had been staring as for weeks, he really needed a fish tank, or a good window.

"You had sex." Paul countered, curious as to Meredith's reasoning.

"And it wasn't rushed, or un-thought-through, it was approached." Meredith reasoned.

"And?"Paul asked, he, even as an experience psychiatrist often struggled to find the pulse on Meredith's life.

"It happened, we had sex and I thought it would be weird, that it would be weird, since it was the first time since, well since Natalie, and I. I thought it would feel different." Meredith admitted.

"But it wasn't?" Paul asked, sometimes he enjoyed the patients he could just medicate.

"It wasn't, it wasn't different."Meredith said.

"And how do you feel about that?"Paul asked finally getting the gist of the conversation.

"I don't know." Meredith said, staring at the succulent, she wondered, for the umpteenth time, what type of succulent it was.

"Did you want it to feel different, is that what the problem is?" Paul asked.

"I never said there was a problem." Meredith said, staring at Paul, she hated how he sometimes got into her head, before she wanted him to.

"And yet, here you are, again, sitting in my office, staring at the succulent, telling me you had sex with your husband saying it went fine, which I would actually have believed, if you weren't trying to justify the fact you had sex to me." Paul said, sometimes, Meredith needed a bit of a push and Paul had no problem pushing, nudging just a bit.

"What type of succulent is it?" Meredith asked.

"You're avoiding." Paul countered.

"I'm not, I really do want to know." Meredith said.

"Focus on why you are here, not what is here." Paul said.

"Okay, it's not a problem, really, we had sex and I thought it would be different, but it wasn't and I can't help but wonder if that means I've forgiven him." Meredith said.

"Have you, have you forgiven him?" Paul asked.

"I don't know that's why I asked you, honestly, you would make the worst surgeon in the history of forever." Meredith said.

"That's why I became a psychiatrist, so I could sit in a comfy chair and make my patients do all the work, that and I don't really like blood." Paul admited.

"A doctor who doesn't like blood!"Meredith commented, slightly surprised.

"There are more than you think." Paul said.

"Back to the forgiveness." Paul said, trying to keep them on track.

"I want to forgive him at some point, but I don't want to just forgive him like that."Meredith said clicking her fingers together.

"What he did still hurts me, it still angers me, I still have emotions of anger and rage and hurt, all bubbling just below the surface and I want him to understand this, that it wasn't something small, just a disagreement, that it was at heart a fundamental betrayal of trust and love. Though he has changed, changed a lot, he's working on being better, he is better, and I feel not bad but odd, being with him and still holding all this, this anger. Maybe I should forgive him." Meredith said.

"Look Meredith, in my experience both as a doctor and a human, forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's not about them, or what they did to you. Forgiveness is for you. It's about letting go of all those emotions, which are valid, but also stifling, and maddening. Forgiveness isn't for Derek, it's for you You can let go of all the anguish and pain that has burdened you. You can forgive and Derek will still know that what he did was wrong. By your own accounts he's changing, he's different. You can forgive him." Paul said.

"If you want to, you can forgive him." Paul said.

"I can forgive him."Meredith said, toying with the words. She had never thought of forgiveness in that way. She could not help but see the profoundness in his words. Was forgiveness really about her, her sense being and self and not about Derek.

"I get people in here, all day everyday, who's problems more often than not stem from an unfortunate event, a person who has hurt them, a society that may have condemned them to the outskirts, so many reasons, and what I see is that forgiveness, is a foreign body, unforeseeable for many of them, so they are filled and continue to fill with the rage and emotions that have overwhelmed them. The way I see it you can forgive or continue to rest in the uncertainty, caring around the burden of his betrayal. Forgiveness in a lot of way is easy." Paul said.

He was right Meredith thought, she could forgive Derek, she wanted to. She wanted to let it all go, so they focus even more.

"We've been working hard, Derek and I. Being open, and discussing our feelings, in some ways our marriage has been stronger in these past few weeks as we have tried to work through our problems, than in the past year, when we have been ignoring them." Meredith concluded.

"We had sex, and he didn't rush me, of force me, he expressed his feelings, let me know he was unsure. He wouldn't let us bury our progress in the distraction of sex and I think that's why it didn't feel different like I expected it to, it wasn't make up sex, we hadn't been fighting we had been healing, fixing, making our lives work. I think I do need to forgive him." Meredith admitted.

"Remember Meredith, forgiveness does not mean you are being defeated, it a triumph." Paul said.

"I agree." Meredith said, staring at the succulent again.

"Now that that's been dealt with can you please tell me what type of succulent that is." Meredith said.

"The plastic kind, I kill everything else." Paul grinned.

Meredith smiled, she was thankful for all the help Paul had given her, she enjoyed their interaction, it was somewhere in between the lines of friendship and doctor patient, the ease of friendship, with all the cathartic goodness of therapy.

"How's your life going Paul?" Meredith asked, she always did the talking, but she wondered if anyone ever asked him how his life was.

"My ex wife just sent me an invitation to her wedding, so there's that." Paul said.

Meredith laughed, another thing she enjoyed about Paul, his life always seemed more complicated than hers, and that gave her hope.

She left the office, with out making another appointment, she thought she would go back to see him at some point but right now, she was ready to forgive Derek and let go of the emotions she had been holding onto.

* * *

There are a tonne of interesting papers on the effects of forgiveness and the properties of it, I thought this was an interesting way of addressing forgiveness in this story. Also I have decided to continue this story more than I intended to, with a surprise, but before I start that I have to put Meredith and Derek in the right for all the reviews, I have to admit, they do tend to make me more focused on writing the next chapter. Anyway, I am still enjoying swinging around in my hammock on this beautiful clear blue sky lazy day.

Cheers

Lumae


	21. Chapter 21

So I want to start by saying I have 100 reviews for this story, which makes me happy. The support has been fantastic. To be honest I never really thought anyone would enjoy a story that involves Derek cheating, or support people are particularly touchy about I would just like to say Thank you to all the people who have read this story and to let you all know that I truly appreciate the support. Anyway here's the next chapter, it's a bit different. -Lumae

* * *

For Derek life was starting to click. Things were working, his marriage, his job, his whole life were finally working the way he wanted. The other night when Meredith had asked for sex, he had been blindsided, but ultimately happy. So as he sat in his office, studying a perfectly simple scan, thinking about his perfecting life, he did not hear his sister come in.

"What are you looking at?" Amelia asked, shaking him out of his mind and sitting down beside him.

"Just a patient's MRI that I was asked to consult on." Derek said, they where a simple second opinion, really just a confirmation of the first doctors views. It was a spinal cyst, one of the more common ones. It was small, not really impinging on any nerves or compressing any vessels, although if Derek had to be perfectly honest, it did look like it may one day, eventually do so. However at the moment it was just harmlessly chilling in the spinal canal of the patient.

"Let's see." Amelia said, peering down at the images.

"Nice, so when are you operating?" Amelia asked.

"I'm not." Derek said surprised that Amelia would even consider an operation.

"It's a cyst in a person's spine." Amelia said.

"I know that, I can read these you know." Derek said

"Well clearly not very well." Amelia prodded.

"It's a cyst, a small cyst, it's not hurting anyone, including the patient." Derek said.

"But you could operate." Amelia said

"Why would I?" Derek asked, it was standard procedure to just observe these kinds of cysts, watch them, carefully but not aggressively.

"Derek how old is the patient?" Amelia asked

"Twenty-Four." Derek said.

"So why aren't you operating?" Amelia asked.

"Because there's no need to, I mean come on Amelia, you can clearly see that the cyst is harmless at the moment plus it barely has any of the co factors that would make it seem at all sinister, but surgery, spinal surgery, is fraught with dangers." Derek justified, he still couldn't see why Amelia was so hell bent on operating on a patient who clearly in his o pinon didn't need surgery.

"Derek, how can you be so short sighted, you know these types of cysts can grow and cause problems at the drop of a hat. Why leave it until it can do damage to the spine why leave it until this patient ends up with permanent damage to their spine." Amelia said as Owen walked into the room.

"What's going on in here?" Owen asked, seeing that the two siblings were clearly at odds.

"We are having a professional disagreement on a patient, on my patient's treatment plan." Derek said looking to Owen, for support. This was Derek's patient, the patients doctor had asked him to consult not Amelia.

"I am the head of neurosurgery, so any patient of yours are still my responsibility." Amelia countered.

"It's fine to have a disagreement." Owen said, trying to calm the situation down.

"It is, what is not fine, is advocating for a procedure the patient does not need right now." Derek said.

"You know just as well as I do that, that cyst is a ticking time bomb of nerve squishing, spinal cord pulverizing, expansion." Amelia said.

"I know that it is doing none of that right now and that like with any surgery there is always the chance for complications. Why risk that, for the possibility of problems further down the track." Derek said, this was getting tiresome, Amelia had no right to hijack his consult and try and force her treatment plan on a patient who at the end of the day didn't belong to either of them.

"Derek, if we wait and this patient's cyst does expand it could do irreversible damage. Do you really want to be responsible for that, because you just wanted to play it safe?" Amelia said annoyed, Derek was back to his old tricks trying to run the department that he no longer had control over.

"Enough." Owen said.

"You two are behaving like children, what does the patient want?" Owen asked.

Derek paused, he had the notes, he knew they would fall in Amelia's favor but not for the right reasons, he was not going to lie.

"The patient is anxious, understandably." Derek admitted.

"And would prefer to have the cyst taken care of." Derek muttered. It was not right, you did not do prophylactic neurosurgery, which in a lot of ways this was.

"See." Amelia said.

"Just because the patient is vulnerable, and does not quite understand the situation does not mean we get to offer him potentially risky surgery. He needs the situation to be explained, and to be monitored." Derek said, looking at Owen

"Owen," Amelia said, looking at him.

"I" Owen stuttered.

"I think Amelia is right Derek, if the patient wants surgery and Amelia thinks it is required, I think you need to let her operate, she is the head of neursurgery." Owen said as Derek's face fell.

"That doesn't mean my opinion is any less valid, this isn't right." Derek said, annoyed and defeated, he was suppose to be advocating for this patient and in the end he had failed.

"You can go and talk to the patient Amelia tell them they can have their surgery in 12 hours." Owen said, as Amelia smiled at Derek.

"It is not a victory Amelia." Derek said, before walking away.

For the first time since he had gotten back from DC he found himself resenting his new job. It was not because he did not love his job, but because his position seemed to be belittling him. How was it that his opinion was not as valid as it was before he took the job. Derek spent the rest of the day, charting and checking up on his post ops. Meredith texted him to ask what time he would be home for dinner, he called her back.

"Derek." Meredith's voice rang through the phone, she was surprised usually he never called, only texted.

"Meredith." Derek said, just hearing her speak made his day better.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.  
"Yes, no. Amelia well she stole a patient of mine, with Owens help and is now going to do an unnecessary procedure." Derek admitted.

"Derek, everyone steals patients all the time, you've stolen her patients before. And we don't always agree with each others surgical opinions" Meredith said.

"I know, but it's not that she stole the patient, or had a different opinion. It was that my opinion, Owen made it feel like it was less worthy because I wasn't head of the department. That somehow my surgical opinion didn't hold as much weight as it did before." Derek said, it felt good to be able to talk to Meredith.

"Derek, your opinion still matters, you are still the same doctor you were before, just because it didn't go the way you wanted it to, doesn't mean you lost, or that you are any less of a doctor than Amelia." Meredith said, her words of wisdom, providing Derek with the support and boost he needed.

"You're right." Derek said.

"What time will you be home tonight?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know, I kind of wanted to watch Amelia operate on the patient." Derek said.

"That's okay." Meredith said.

"Hey how did your session with Paul go?" Derek asked, because now they were at the stage where they talked about their therapy sessions.

"It was, it was good." Meredith said, she wanted to tell Derek she forgave him, but she didn't want to do it over the phone.

"That's good." Derek said.

"So I'll see you when I see you." Meredith said into the phone.

"You don't have to wait up." Derek said.

"I know but I will, I love you Derek." Meredith said.

"I love you to." Derek said with a smile as the line went dead.

Derek let out a sigh, the anger and emotion he had been carrying around regarding Amelia had disappeared while he was on the phone with Meredith. He decided he would watch Amelia operate, not to judge but to support his little sister who was doing well. As he sat in the Gallery, Owen walked in.

"Look Derek I am sorry I didn't side with you." Owen said.

"It's fine, no hard feelings." Derek said, not looking away from Amelia.

"Really I thought you'd be angry for like a week." Owen said surprised.

"I'm not angry you made a descison and it's the job, I am not angry." Derek said looking up at Owen.

"She's good, your sister." Owen said.

"I'm sure she is." Derek said, raising an eyebrow.

"I" Owen stuttered,"I meant surgically, she's good, with good instincts."

"You've changed Derek, a year ago, I would have ended up with a black eye at the very least and now, you sit here, content with life, it's impressive, you really have changed and I am glad." Owen said

"I am glad too, but can you shut up so I can watch my sister operate." Derek said, he was sick of Owen being all glad, he had cheated on his wife, he didn't deserve any praise for changing.

Half way through the procedure, the patient started to show signs of distress.

"He's reacting to the anesthetics." The anesthesiologist said much to Amelia's horror.

"Get it under control." Amelia's voice came through the intercom.

Derek and Owen sat there in shock.

"This isn't good is it." Owen said.

"The patients spine is exposed of course it's not good." Derek said standing up and moving over to the intercom.

Amelia looked up at Derek.

"Don't look at me, just focus Amelia, you can do this." Derek said.

The words helped Amelia gain control of the situation, they got the patients heart under control, unfortunately, he suffered spinal damage. After the surgery, Derek found Amelia sitting in the scrub room.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked, sitting down next to her.

"Why are you here, to gloat, to say I told you so?" Amelia asked.

"I am not here to gloat I am here to check on you." Derek said, he put all his opinions to the side, because Amelia was first and foremost his sister.

"I screwed up and now the patient is going to pay the price for my mistake for the rest of his life." Amelia said, tears flowing down her face.

"It was a complication." Derek said.

"A complication that could have been avoided if we didn't operate on him." Amelia said, shaking her head.

"I wanted to operate, and I thought it was because I truly believed it was the right decision but part of me feels it was about control." Amelia admitted.

"Amelia, you are just trying to blame yourself, yes maybe I disagreed with you but that doesn't make me right, it does not make you wrong either, we are different surgeons, with different opinions. It's okay." Derek soothed.

"Am I going to lose my job?" Amelia asked looking up at her brother.

"No, it was a complication, a medication reaction, it was unforeseeable, your operating skills were flawless." Derek said.

"Why didn't you want to operate?" Amelia asked.

"I" Derek paused.

"Because sometimes it is better to take a situation slowly, sometimes it is better to wait, before cutting." Derek said.

"It harder knowing when not to operate than knowing when to." Derek said.

"But that still doesn't make what you did wrong." Derek said earnestly.

"Thank you." Amelia said, getting up.

"Thank you for being here for me." She said.

"Anytime, do you want me to go talk to the patient?" Derek asked.

"No, you should go home to your wife, I hear you are sharing the same bed." Amelia said, with a slight smirk.

"We're taking things slow." Derek said getting up.

"I'm sure you are." Amelia said, the smirk getting larger as Derek's phone beeped.

Derek looked down at his phone, shocked to see who was texting him.

"Is that Meredith?" Amelia asked.

"No." Derek said gruffly, before swiping at his phone.

"Then who was it?" Amelia asked.

"I, it was Natalie." Derek admitted, feeling small, he blocked the number, and deleted the text.

"Wait, like Natalie, Natalie, why is she texting you?" Amelia asked confused.

"I don't know, maybe it's got something to do with the brain initiative moving here but to be honest I don't care." Derek said "And not my job to help the brain initiative."

"Don't mess up again Derek." Amelia said.

"I won't believe me." Derek said.

"I'm going home to my lovely, gorgeous, sexy, brilliant wife." Derek said.

As Derek drove home, he quickly forgot about the text, he couldn't wait to see Meredith and thank her for helping him put things in perspective with Amelia. He was glad to see the lights still on as he pulled into the driveway Meredith had waited.

He walked into the house, the scent of charcoal filled his nose, he saw Meredith sitting on the couch.

"I tried to cook, but it didn't end well so I order Thai." Meredith said motioning to the boxes of take out in front of her.

"What's the occasion?" Derek asked, despite Meredith's inability to cook, which he found endearing, she very rarely ordered take out, she would just heat.

"I forgive you Derek." Meredith said, as Derek looked at her with such adoration

TBC

* * *

How was that, I thought I would leave it there, because I do want to maybe go further into the forgiveness but I also didn't want the chapter to be 3000 words. So you get a taste and I will get back to you soon. Also this chapter was about Derek's growth not his destruction keep that in mind.

Cheers

Lumae


	22. Chapter 22

So this is **_THE_** chapter. I will say one thing if you haven't read 21 please do so it's the second chapter today and I may just give you a third - Lumae

* * *

"I forgive you." Meredith said, as Derek stared in shock.

"I forgive you, for what you did, for the mistakes you made, I forgive you for hurting me, for betraying our marriage. I forgive you for sleeping with another woman. I forgive you for everything." Meredith said.

Derek did not know what to do, he was not expecting forgiveness, he was surprised.

"I forgive you Derek." Meredith said again.

"I" Derek paused.

"I love you so much." Derek said, ignoring the food and wrapping his arms around his wife, a single tear escaping his eyes.

"Why do you have to be so perfect." He said as they let go. His wife was perfect, complete and undeniably perfect.

"Forgiveness, isn't just about you." Meredith said, mentioning the discussion she had, had with Paul. It was true she thought, saying those words, meaning those words, helped her to let go of the dregs of anger and hurt she had been harboring. She looked at Derek and she didn't feel angry anymore.

"You didn't have to forgive me." Derek said, he was not excepting her to forgive him ever and yet somehow he had, he would be forever thankfully for her forgiveness.

"I know I didn't have to forgive you, I wanted to. I wanted to forgive you." Meredith said.

"It was, I was ready." Meredith said.

"You amaze me Meredith Grey." Derek said, kissing his wife again.

"I know." Meredith said smugly. It felt good to be back to almost normal. To be able to sit with her husband and not fight.

"How was the surgery?" Meredith asked.

"Not so good, there were some complications and well the patient is likely paralyzed from the waist down." Derek admitted.

"I'm so sorry." Meredith said, complications where never easy to accept, they hurt everyone.

"How was Amelia?" Meredith asked.

"Upset, blaming herself."Derek said.

"How are you?" Meredith asked.

"I'm fine." Derek lied. He wasn't he was angry at himself for not fighting harder.

"I'm not fine." He admitted, no secrets.

"I could have fought harder." Derek said.

"It's not you fault." Meredith said.

"I know, sort of, it's just, I wish I could have spared her the pain and the patient." Derek said.

"Sometimes things happen, that patient could have needed surgery anyway at some point and had the same problem, or have gotten it from a less experienced surgeon and ended up with worse complications or dead. What's done is done, we can't change the past, only move forward embracing the new day" Meredith said, not entirely talking just about Amelia.

"That's very zen." Derek said, not all surprised by the wisdom coming out of his wife.

"It is isn't it." Meredith said.

"We've changed, haven't we." Derek said.

"I think we've grown. Our past has been very trying." Meredith admitted.

"But we've figured it out, we've persevered, even when life felt like it was destroying us and I think we are stronger for it." Meredith said.

"We've made it work. " Meredith said, sort of proud of them.

"Derek, I don't ever want to get to the point where I don't recognize my life anymore, I don't want to ever get to the point we were before. I want us to be open, to talk like adults, not like angry teens." Meredith said.

"We will, I don't want us to go back to that again." Derek said.

"I don't want to ever lose sight of what really matters to me, you and the kids matter to me." Derek said.

"This life we created, is what matters, the rest, the rest of the world, the being a doctor and saving lives, comes second."Derek said.

"Agreed." Meredith said, finishing her wine.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Meredith asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I would love to but first I need a shower." Derek said, with a smile on his face.

"How about a bath?" Meredith said.

"Are the kids asleep?" Derek asked.

"Yes but I promised Zola, you'd give her a kiss." Meredith said.  
"Well I can't let you break a promise." Derek said, getting up.

"I'll meet you in the tub." Meredith said.

"See you soon." He said, with a grin.

Derek walked into Zola's room, picking up a doll of her floor and placing it on the dresser. Zola was fast asleep, her hand grasping onto her stuffed lion, Derek had brought her all those years ago. She was so perfect he thought, so loving, he couldn't imagine his life without Zola, or Bailey for that moment. Zola stirred, her eyes opening.

"Daddy." Zola said, with a drowsy smile.

"Hey baby girl." Derek said leaning down and kissing her.

"Mommy said you'd give me a kiss." Zola said.

"I just did, didn't I." Derek said.

"I wasn't sure you'd come home." Zola said, her big eyes, showing fear that sliced Derek's heart/

"I will always come home." Derek said.

"But you didn't." Zola said, matter of factually.

"I know, Baby Girl, but that's all changed, Daddy lives here now again, and he is not leaving, I will always come home." Derek soothed, he had spent so much time trying to convince Meredith of that, that he hadn't realized Zola had been feeling the same way.

"Daddy is always going to be here for you and your brother and Mommy." Derek said.

"Promise?" Zola asked, holding up her pinky.

"Pinky promise." Derek whispered linking his pinky with his daughters, an unpenetrable bond, just glad that Zola was now able to rest easy knowing her father wasn't about to leave her. He hated himself for ever letting the thought enter her mind, he had grown up without his father and he cursed himself for ever threatening such a life on his children.

"Now close your eyes. Rest your eyes and go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning" Derek said kissing his daughter again.

"Goodnight." the little girl said, as Derek paused at the door, he truly was blessed.

As he sat in the bath with Meredith, they didn't have sex but in away they didn't need to, just the feeling of being there, in that moment, wrapped in each others warmth, was enough. Sure Derek thought they'd probably end up in the bed later that night tangled in each others arms. But right now, in that moment he felt that his life was finally back to where he wanted it to be and Meredith felt exactly the same, no longer burdened by the emotions of the past, able to be with her husband with no hatred or resentment pulsing through her veins. She was able to love him, in the moment not in the past. Life was good.

They did end up making love in their bed that night and into the early hours of the morning, as they faded off into sleep, they both could not have been more content. As the sun rose and the new day began, their children came bounding in, waking them from their slumber, but neither minded, they were happy, happiness abounded from that room. They had the day off, a rarity for two busy surgeons, and even more rare, Amelia had offered to take the children to the park, apparently she needed some of her own happiness. Yes their life was perfect in that moment, until Meredith heard the door bell.

As she opened the door, she saw a woman, she had never seen, but instantly recognized, and she let out a sigh, maybe her life just wasn't made for perfection to exist.

"Hi, I am Natalie and you must be Meredith, Derek's wife."Natalie said placing a hand on the subtle swell of her belly,

"May I come in?" She asked as Meredith's world came crashing down around her, once again.

* * *

Told you I had something planned. I know you all aren't going to like it, at least not at first but I ask that you lean in to the fear and trust that I have plan and will not destroy it. I think, and I hope this will open up a whole knew avenue of story telling and conflict and interaction between Meredith and Derek and the many other characters. Just bare with it for a moment, they next chapter will be up soon.

Cheers, and Apologies

Lumae


	23. Chapter 23

Third chapter in two hours, for the record I do have a life, in case anyone was wondering, it's just very busy and I write kind of fast. So anyway please read chapter 21 and 22 before you read this one, otherwise you may get very lost. -Lumae

* * *

"May I come in." Natalie had asked.

Meredith, just stood, there, her eyes glued to the abdomen of the woman at her door. She could not believe this. This was unimaginable. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.

"Meredith who's at the door." Derek's voice came from the distance. Meredith couldn't answer, she glanced away and saw Derek appear and then freeze.

"Hello Derek." Natalie said, quietly.

"This must be a shock, I, neither of you can probably say anything, right, I should go." Natalie said, turning around.

"Wait." Meredith said, finally finding her voice.

"I think you should come in and talk." Meredith said, because it really looked like a problem that was not going to go away anytime soon.

Meredith stood in the kitchen, staring at the lady sitting on her couch. Meredith could not help but regret the fact that she and Derek were still in their pajamas. It was suppose to be a lazy day off, this was not what she had planned, to be standing in her kitchen, still in her pajamas, before she had drunk her morning coffee, with the image that was in front of her.

"Would you like anything to drink." Meredith said breaking the silence. Meredith didn't know what to say. What does one say to the woman who it would appear got knocked up by her husband. If the even was a thing to say, Meredith was fairly sure it did not revolve around beverages.

"I'm fine." Natalie said, staring awkwardly at Meredith.

Meredith looked at Derek, he wasn't doing anything, a look of fear and shock illuminated his face.

"Okay." Meredith said sitting back down next to Derek, facing Natalie. Meredith felt Derek's hand grab hers, squeezing it gently, Meredith felt like telling him to let go, but she didn't want to, truthfully she needed it as much as him. She looked at Natalie, she really was a plain un-intimidating looking girl. An eternity seemed to pass as they sat their, no speaking, everyone staring.

"Look, I think you came here for a reason, and we can all pretty much, get the reason, so why don't you just talk." Meredith said, the silence was killing her.

"I found out three weeks after Derek left DC and I, I guess I didn't know what to do, I was going to get an abortion, because that just seemed like the best for everyone, Derek said he was trying to save his marriage and this, this would throw a wrench in that. Plus I don't want a baby. I just want to do my research, I want to find a cure, for the disease that took my sister. I don't want to be distracted by having to play mummy half the time, no offence." Natalie said looking at Meredith, she was already regretting turning up here.

"But I went to the clinic, I booked the abortion and then the abortion appointment date came and went and I stayed pregnant. I just, I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill a baby and I couldn't justify it by saying I'd save someones life if I didn't have the baby, because I could probably still have the baby and save lives." Natalie said, she thought they would judge her as a bad person, for even considering doing such a thing. She could not decide if she was, bad or not.

"So I just tried to ignore it, pretend like this wasn't my life and that it wasn't happening to me. But that's the funny thing about pregnancy, you can ignore it and it just keeps on going." Natalie rambled.

"And it probably would have been fine if the brain mapping initiative didn't move here, but it did and I don't know." Natalie said, because she really did not know, she didn't know anything any more and she was scared all the time.

"My life was finally working I had just found a boyfriend who liked me and didn't communicate with his fists." She admitted

"And I know you must hate me Meredith. I never set out to be this person, that kind of person who sleeps with another persons husband, and then gets pregnant. I'm not this kind of person,I'm studious and careful." Natalie said as tears formed in her eyes, she couldn't tell if they were hormonal or actual emotions, the tears only came faster as Meredith handed her a tissue.

"I don't want a baby, I don't want to be a mother, but I'm having this baby and since you are the father, Derek you have a choice to make." Natalie said bluntly trying to pull herself together before she unraveled into a bawling pregnant mess.

"I am not going to be this baby's mother." Natalie said, her mind had already been made up about that.

"But you can be this baby's father." Natalie said, not so sure in her own words. Would Derek even want this child, she had thought about that a lot over the passed few weeks. This whole situation made her feel anxious, maybe this was all a mistake, she shouldn't have come here she thought.

"Are either of you going to say something, anything, or are you going to sit there in shock, never mind you are going to sit there in shock while my voice fills the room. This, I should go, I should leave, you can pretend this was all a nightmare, I wish I could, but you two defiantly can.

"Did your boyfriend dump you when he found out." Meredith asked, still in shock, how was this her life, she had just forgiven Derek and then this, this happens. What the heck was with her life slapping her in the face.

"No." Natalie said thankful someone else was talking.

"he was a bit taken a back but once I told him i was giving it up for adoption to someone he was actually okay with it." Natalie said candidly

"Look I know you two probably need some time I am just, We are going to be working in the same city, and I just wanted to put everything out on the table. You don't have to adopt the baby, I can find some other nice couple to do so. Maybe a pair of lesbians or a nice infertile couple." Natalie mused.

"The babies not going to be here for a while."Natalie said.  
"So take your time, I'm going to go. Sorry to dump this on you." Natalie said getting up, she didn't need anyone to show her the door.

"It was very nice meeting you Meredith." Natalie said before walking out the door.

Meredith and Derek just sat there, still in shock, their life was working and now, now it was almost unrecognizable. Life was funny like that, the way it flipped in a second, in one mind blowing recollection, the whole house of cards could come fluttering down.

"No Derek" Meredith said, holding her hand up before Derek could say anything.

"I can't." She said, feeling her chest tighten.

"I can't look at you" She said, facing away, she couldn't look at him, because she thought if she did, she'd never be able to pull herself out of the pit she would surely sink into.

"It is one thing to cheat but why the fuck couldn't you wear a condom." She hissed, how could he do this. How could he betray the marriage. It was irrational she knew that but she seemed to have no control of her words.

"She's pregnant." Meredith said, hating how the words sounded. _She_, another woman was pregnant with her husband's child.

"I know." Derek finally spoke, he couldn't believe it, he wanted to shout at the world, but it was his fault, his indiscretion.

"and it was just one time." Meredith said, ignoring Derek, it pissed her off even more that it was just one time.

"Do you know how much that hurts?" She asked finally looking at Derek, his face looked haunted, of course he knew how that felt, but it didn't make it any easier for her.

"We tried for forever and yes I eventually did get pregnant, but you just, you just sleep with someone random, one time and boom you get her pregnant." Meredith said, it really was not the problem but her mind was too unhinged to focus on the situation, it was too much for one day. It was a giant leap somewhere, and probably not forward.

"Do you want me to leave?" Derek asked, dreading the answer. He was shocked by all of this.

"I." Meredith said, she was not sure, part of her wanted him to leave but a bigger part did not, he was still her husband, her philandering, sperm jacked, knocked up another woman, husband. She still loved him, even if in that moment, she found that fact to be unfortunate.

"I don't know." Meredith said, she needed time, time to process. How was this happening.

"What do you want Derek?" Meredith asked, she could not help but wonder what was going through his mind.

"I'm not sure Meredith." Derek said, his mind was a wash with emotion and questions. A lady he had slept with one time, just showed up at his house, and told him he could be a father again. He did not know what to think.

"How can you be unsure, that is your child Derek." Meredith said, it wasn't really a question she thought.

"This is Your child, how can you be unsure about what you want? Were you ever unsure about Bailey, or Zola?" Meredith asked.

"No, but this is different." Derek said, even though Meredith was right. It was still his child, but was it a child he wanted, it defiantly was not with the person he wanted, that was for sure.

"Not for that child, you are still it's father." Meredith said.

"I know that I just don't know" Derek said as tears started to form, he no longer knew what his life was.

"You unsure about that baby." Meredith said. This was all to surreal for her.

"How can a mother not want her child." Meredith said, it hurt her to consider that, she knew the answer, her own mother and her best friend were clear examples of that.

"Do you want the baby," Meredith asked.

"Do you?" Derek asked as his words hit her like a tonne of bricks.

Did she want the baby, her first instinct was unclear, she didn't know either. She felt the walls closing in, her world had shattered, in just one morning, she needed to leave, to get away, to get some air.

"I have to go." Meredith said getting up and walking to the bedroom.

"Are you leaving?" Derek asked, standing in the entry to the bedroom he wasn't sure he was welcome anymore, the fear ran thick in his voice.

"No, yes, I'm getting dressed, I need to talk to someone else. I think I need to talk to Paul." Meredith said, pulling on a sweater and walking past Derek.

As Meredith walked outside and down the path towards her car, she walked saw Amelia walking towards her with Owen and the kids.

"What's wrong?" Amelia asked, seeing the distress in Meredith's face.

"I can't." Meredith said, looking at the kids.

"Hey Owen, can you take Zola and Bailey over to the swing set." Amelia said, as Owen just nodded, he could see something was wrong.

"What's wrong Meredith?." Amelia said pausing

"What did he do?"She asked

"He knocked up his whore, that's what's he did." Meredith said breaking down in her sister in laws arms, she was unable to wait, unable to hold it all in. Amelia wanted to ask so many questions but she didn't.

"Owen, keep the kids and an eye on Derek, we are going." Amelia said.

"You don't need, I was just going to." Meredith muttered

"You are not driving anywhere. I'll take you." Amelia said, grabbing Meredith's keys.

"This was not how today was suppose to go." Meredith said as she sat in the car with Amelia.

"I know." Amelia said.

* * *

So that happened... Yeah, tad bit of a twist, on the plus side no one died, yet, (there's always next chapter). As I said, it is an interesting plot development and it's kind of weird to write, I must say, in all of my writing not just fanfiction or what not, everything from short stories to novels in progress to actual work, I have never written a pregnancy for any character, unless you count the fake dreamscape pregnancy I did earlier in this piece but that was neither hear nor there. So it will be interesting for all of us. I may give you another chapter before the next episode of greys anatomy. Anyway let me know what you think.

Cheers

Lumae


	24. Chapter 24

So I waited off on this chapter. For those who are still reading, I think I scared a few people off with that twist. here's the next chapter - Lumae

* * *

Meredith had called Paul as Amelia had driven them to the hospital, she all but begged him to come in to work and was thankful when he agreed.  
Amelia sat in one of the dated chairs, next to Meredith in the waiting room, flicking through even more outdated magazines, as they waited for Paul to turn up.

"You know you can talk to me." Amelia finally said breaking the silence.

"I know, I just I don't want to burden you with my problems." Meredith said as Paul walked in.

"I'd burden him." Amelia whispered, eyeing the man up and down.

Meredith looked at Paul blushing slightly, he was in jeans and casual shirt, she'd only ever seen him in a tie and business pants.

"Hi," Paul said awkwardly to Amelia, unsure of who this lady was.

"Meredith do you want to come in and talk." Paul said, unlocking his office and opening the door.

"I'll wait here, with the 1990's National geographic."Amelia said as Meredith walked in.

"I'm sorry for making you come in on the weekend." Meredith said.

"It's okay my daughter is with her mother." Paul said

"Mothers" He corrected.

"You sounded very upset on the phone."Paul said.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Paul asked.

"No, I want to deny it, try and convince myself that this is not happening, that it did not happen that this is not my life." Meredith said.

"What didn't happen?" Paul asked.

"I forgave him last night, how very big of me right, I forgave my cheating bastard of a husband who knocked up his one night stand. Can I unforgive him, is that a thing, it should be, I think I should make it a thing, Meredith Grey will be known as the doctor who invented un-forgiving." Meredith said wiping the tears away from her eyes with her sleeve.

"Here." Paul said handing her his handkerchief.

"So she's pregnant." Paul said, surprised and upset for Meredith, she had made such good progress.

"Yep, with a belly and everything." Meredith said.

"Ouch." Paul said, in a sincere way.

"Yeah ouch." Meredith agreed.

"Does the universe hate me, is it conspiring against me?" Meredith asked.

"You really don't want to be one of those patients, Meredith," Paul said, "One of the ones that think the world is out to get them."  
"

"I don't but I think I understand the feeling right now and you are going to let me." Meredith said.

"A baby, a baby changes everything right." Meredith said.

"It can." Paul admitted.

"Does it change everything here?" Paul asked.

"I don't know." Meredith said.

"She doesn't want to keep the baby, she doesn't want the baby, she wants to focus on her research, she basically my mother or Cristina." Meredith said.

"And then she just offers the baby to Derek, like its I don't know the last slice of pizza sitting in the box." Meredith said.

"A baby is not a piece of pizza it's a baby, it's a child, a life long commitment." Meredith said, talking faster and faster.

"And why aren't you writing any of this done, where's your notebook, quick grab it and write this done, baby is not pizza, my husband got his whore pregnant." Meredith said, her heart felt like it was beating out of control against her chest.

"Meredith, I need you to relax."Paul said, looking at her with concern.

"I think you are having a panic attack." Paul said moving towards her.

"It feels like I can't breathe and I can't stop my heart it's going to fast." Meredith said, scared as she felt Paul's arms wrap around her.

"Meredith relax." he whispered and she felt her heart slow, her breathing became even, the world stopped spinning, until she was staring at the succulent.

"You can let go now." Meredith said, she needed that, she needed to be grounded. Paul quickly let go and moved back to his seat.

"Thank you." Meredith murmured.

"It's okay, you've had a rough day." Paul said.

"He doesn't know if he wants to keep the baby." Meredith finally said.

"And that bothers you." Paul said.

"Yes, we have two beautiful children, Zola was adopted because we had a lot of fertility issues and I never thought I would ever get pregnant but then we got Bailey and it was a miracle. My two children mean the world to me and I can't imagine never wanting them. I mean it's his child."Meredith said.

"Sometimes, things can be difficult for people to understand, what makes one person feel one way can be very different for another. Sometimes it is hard to say how you feel, when you are not sure how the other person feels as well." Paul said.

"Do you want the baby?" Paul asked.

"It doesn't matter what I want." Meredith said.

"I think it does." Paul said.

"What I want is for it to be yesterday, for my husband to have never cheated, for the lady he slept with to not be pregnant, I don't want to be in this situation." Meredith said.

"So do you want to leave your husband?" Paul asked

"No." Meredith said immediately, it was the truth, she still loved her husband.

"I still love him, I just don't love the situation." Meredith admitted.

"You said you forgave him." Paul said.  
"I did, I forgave him last night." Meredith said, even though last night felt like an eternity away, someone else's eternity, in another world.

"Did you actually forgive him." Paul said, raising and eyebrow, almost daringly.  
"I think, yes I did." Meredith admitted, though she was not sure, she was not sure of anything anymore.

"Look Meredith, I get that this is scary and not ideal but I'm not sure if it's your husband you are angry with or the situation. If you forgave Derek for cheating on you, isn't this pregnancy part of that?" Paul asked.

"But I didn't know about it when I forgave him." Meredith countered.

"Does that mean it invalidates how you felt when you forgave him." Paul said.

"No." Meredith said. It did not, to be fair, whilst if she had have known, she may not have forgiven him so easily, in that moment, the night before, in that other world, she had wanted to forgive him, she had forgave him.

"Look Meredith, it's not going to be easy, and you and Derek are going to have to either work on it or break up."Paul said

"I don't want to break up." Meredith said, because she knew enough to know that whilst she could live without Derek, she did not want and that desire to be with him did not make her weak or pathetic.

"Okay well then you are going to have to work it through, decide what's not only best for you and Derek but also Zola and Bailey and the baby." Paul said, Meredith cringed at the last word. The Baby, he made it real, an actuality, rather than a pregnancy which was more of an illusion.

"Look it will be hard, but I know you can do it. You are an amazing person Meredith Grey." Paul said.

"I just can't believe he didn't use a condom." Meredith said.

"Well maybe that's a good thing." Paul said.

"How?" Meredith asked surprised. How could it be a good thing.

"Well a condom implies for thought, knocking up his one night stand probably wasn't the result of any thought." Paul suggested.

"I suppose." Meredith said. Paul was right she thought, if he had a used a condom, it would have meant something else entirely. She was glad it didn't. Though she wished on some level that he had used a condom if only to prevent getting in this situation.

"You know I use to have what I thought was a complicated life, I had an Alzheimer riddled mother with a legacy that shadowed everything, I had commitment issues, I drowned, I watched my husband get shot by a lunatic, My sister died in a plane crash, I almost lost my daughter and now all that seems easy." Meredith said.

"Maybe this will be easy, one day as well." Paul said, reassuring Meredith.

Meredith could only hope that this would all one day be an easier day in her life, though she much suspected that it probably would, none of those other days had really been all that easy.

"Thank you for coming in, I really appreciated that." Meredith said.

"Your welcome." Paul said.

"So,I should go, rescue Amelia from the outdated magazines." Meredith said.

"Go deal with my life." Meredith said getting up.

"Thanks again Paul enjoy your weekend." Meredith said walking, out, she always felt so much better after talking to Paul.

"You ready to go?" Amelia asked placing the magazine back on the table.

"Yes, I think I'm ready for now." Meredith said.

"You'd be good in LA." Amelia said, "they love therapy."  
"How was the magazine?" Meredith asked.

"It was about these massive caves, totally fascinating." Amelia said.

"So Derek got someone else pregnant." Amelia said.

"And my life is complicated." Amelia muttered as they reached that car.

"I can't go back yet." Meredith said, pausing and looking at Amelia. She could not go back as much as the chat with Paul had helped, she still needed time.

"That's okay do you want to come and hang out at my place." Amelia said.

"Your place?" Meredith asked curious

"Yes my place, the place I live when you know, you and Derek don't want me sleeping in your spare room." Amelia said.

"Lets go." Meredith said, she just wanted time. Time to think, time to absorb the morning. Her husband was expecting a baby with another woman, what a day, what a day she had woken up in. Meredith could not help but wish she had woken up in another day.

* * *

How was that, I know how a lot of you do like Paul, so I hope you enjoyed that. It's a valid point don't you think, if you have forgiven someone for something do you forgive them for the whole something, or only the something you know bit of an interesting philosophical topic, and you are all probably like no, no, not an interesting topic, we didn't come here for philosophical debates. stop embedding them in your stories. Anyway I get the sense that many of you maybe somewhat surprised and feeling uneasy about the twist, that's okay, but please bare with it, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for a reason. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter more.

Cheers Lumae


	25. Chapter 25

Next chapter, also thanks for all the reviews, I find them interesting- Lumae

* * *

Derek stared out the window, he had just watched Meredith leave with Amelia. This was not how he had planned the day, how he had planned his life.  
Natalie was pregnant with his child. She would have to be twelve weeks along, he calculated. That's how long it has been since that night. A baby, shit he thought. Meredith had just forgiven him, life had just started to work but a baby, as baby changed everything and Derek was not sure if he wanted everything to change.

Derek could see his children playing with Owen, in his back yard. Zola was helping push Bailey on the swing. He loved his children dearly. They where one of the best things to ever happen to him but he had, had them, one way or another with Meredith. But this baby, this was a baby, a child with out Meredith, a creation of his infidelity. A life time reminder that he screwed up and hurt the women he loved most.

He didn't want a child that was not with Meredith, but at the same time, it was his child, a child he had created, a child he had made, not with his wife or with love, still his child. Just like Bailey was his child and Zola was his child. As much as he tried to stop the feeling, he could not help but feel a flicker of love for this cluster of differentiated cells that was growing by the second. What made him said was, it was a baby that's own mother didn't want it, a child who's own mother found it's existence a burden to her career and was all but too willing to give it away. Derek did not understand that, he did not understand how a mother could not love her child. However here he was considering the same thing, could he really give away his parental rights, like they meant nothing.

Adoption was not a bad word in their household, it was a cherished and loved word. A word that described the gift that was Zola. A gift that was his daughter, a gift that he could not imagine his life without. Adoption in their household, was not a word that they glossed over or ignored it was celebrated and discussed. Adoption was also a word for Meredith's sister. A sister she had grown up without. He knew Maggie did not hold any regrets towards being adopted and seemed proud of her adoptive heritage and loved by her adoptive parents. Adoption was a word for Richard, as well though. Richard had lost a fatherhood because of the word, he had lost an opportunity to be a dad, to raise his daughter, to know his daughter, and it had been Meredith's mother's decision. Adoption was also a word for Meredith, Derek had in the weeks after they had discovered Maggie was Meredith's sister, wondered what her life could have been with Maggie by her side. How Meredith might have been, had she grown up with a sibling, as sister by her side. Adoption was a word that confused and perplexed Derek, could he let his child be put up for adoption, knowingly. Was it the right decision for the child, Meredith, Zola, Bailey and himself. The truth was, as realized , as he stared out the window at his children, he did not know what the right answer was he felt torn.

Was it wrong to feel emotions towards a child who's existence was the result of one massive mistake. He regretted sleeping with Natalie, did that mean he regretted the child. It was not the child's fault, it did not decide to be created, or ask for it's two genetic parents to create it, in an alcohol fueled cheating encounter. It was innocent, innocence, innocence who's whole life and being, was now up in the air. Who it would grow up with, who it would call Mom and Dad, where all in that moment unknowns. Derek could not help but feel sorry for the child. He had done this to the child. Created this instability for it, made it certain that this child would never grow up in a house with it biological mother and father, all this had been done even before it was born. It was his child, he had to make a decision that was ultimately best for the child, even if it meant destroying the relationship his was fighting for. At the end of the day, it was his child and he had to grow up, and face the responsibility. This was another consequence of his indiscretion but he was going to have to figure out what to do, that was in the child's best interest before everyone else's. A knock at the door, dragged Derek out of his spiraling thoughts, he hoped for a second it was Meredith coming back but as he stared out the window, he realized it was not.

"Zola and Bailey are ready for their naps." Owen said, gingerly, he really did not want to interrupt Derek.

"Sure." Derek said, sort of glad, for the momentary distraction from his thought.

As Derek came back out from putting his children down for their naps, he noticed that Owen was still there.

"Amelia, Amelia said I shouldn't leave you alone."Owen mumbled, not making eye contact.

"She did, did she." Derek said, Meredith had not doubt told his sister.

"You know don't you." Derek said.

"I know that Meredith shouted some things and then rushed of with Amelia, but I also know that whatever is going on it's not just about Meredith." Owen said.

"She's pregnant." Derek said and Owen knew that he was not talking about Meredith.

"Yeah that's pretty much what Meredith yelled." Owen admitted, sitting down.

"I just, this was not how my life was suppose to go." Derek said, slumping down, almost defeated on the couch.

"It was working and now, Natalie shows up here Pregnant." Derek said, "With my child."

"And she doesn't want to keep the baby, she wants to give it away, who does that, turns up at someone they slept with one time, one time, and tells them they are pregnant and they don't want the baby. Then she says I have a choice, I could chose to keep the baby or sign over my parental rights." Derek said.

"It's, it;s unimaginable." Derek said.

"At least she gave you the choice." Owen said, with a glum look on his face, he had not been given a choice, a chance, the choice had been taken away from him. Whilst he had supported Cristina's right to choose, it still did not make him feel any better.

"Crap." Derek said, remembering who he was talking to, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I am just saying, it can't have been any easy choice for her to make either, it's obviously not how she had planned her life either." Owen said, and Derek realized he was right.

"Meredith does not deserve this, she does not deserve this to be thrown into her life." Derek said, the pain of hurting his wife, ran deep.

"Derek sometimes people make mistakes and those mistakes have consequences and in my experience at the end of the day it is not the mistakes that define people but rather how the address them, how they work through them." Owen said.

"This may have been a mistake but the defining feature will be how you deal with it." Owen said

"What if I want to know the baby, does that make me a horrible person?" Derek asked, finally saying the one thought that had been clouding his mind.

"I don't know." Owen said, because he wasn't sure.

Owen and Derek sat on that couch for what seemed like an eternity, Derek's mind continued to unravel the situation, even if he could decide what he wanted, he wanted to understand how Meredith felt but he feared that this, this situation, would destroy their relationship, though he hoped she would talk to him, at some point because whilst it was about the baby, it was also about his family and she was his life.

* * *

I find the way people react to this story and the different plots twists and turns fascinating. This chapter as I hope you can all see is Derek questioning the whole situation and how he feels and is the start of both he and Meredith deciphering the situation. I'd like to think that I really brought home some of the essence of the situation. I'm not going to lie this was a plot twist that almost didn't go for but in the end decided that it would be fascinating to explore and I hope you all will come to see this.

There was one interesting comment that will not be posted because there was too much swearing and name calling for my liking, but it did included this guest being very upset about Derek not using a condom, which I thought was interesting because I did feel like I offered ample reasoning as to why at the end of the day that may have not been such a bad thing. So please if you ever want to discuss a particular plot point with me in detail, I am more than happy to as a writer plot points and plot devices and how they are utilized are what interest me most.

Anyway, will update again soon, thanks for reading.

Cheers

Lumae


	26. Chapter 26

So I am trying this new thing, because I often post multiple chapters a day, but fanfiction only updates, updates once every 24 hours. So because I don't see any real point in holding off giving you chapters that are ready, a point a lot of other fanfic writers seem to enjoy doing, I'm going to try and combine chapters into one super chapter. Because I have noticed on the days that I update multiple times the middle chapter don't get read, which seems unfortunate because then boom, the story probably jumps really quickly, if you don't love the super longish chapters let me know and I'll figure something else out. By the way this is still the seond update in the last few hours. -Lumae

* * *

Meredith, liked Amelia's apartment, it was modern but warm and sparse, it had reminded her of Cristina's various places, not filled with monuments of memories, just put together. She sat down on one of the bar stools next to the kitchen bench.

"Owen's going to watch the kids and Derek." Amelia said, it felt weird to be taking care of Meredith, to be involved in her brothers problems, he had always been the golden boy but over the past weeks and months, Amelia had realized that he was anything but that.

"Thank you, for being here for me, I know you are Derek's sister." Meredith said.

"Hey, you've been there for me and just because he's my brother doesn't mean I have to like all the stupid things he has been doing, does it?" Amelia said.

" I would offer you something to drink, but I don't have alcohol." Amelia said.

"That's okay." Meredith said, as much as she would have loved a tequila bottle, she wasn't about to risk Amelia's sobriety because of her problems.

"Did you want to talk, or are you all talked out and just want me to leave you alone?" Amelia asked.

"I" Meredith paused.

"I don't know how we got here. To this point." Meredith sighed, Amelia sat down, clearly Meredith wanted to talk, and Amelia did not mind listening.

"We were fine, last year." Meredith said.

"But we weren't I just told myself that."

"We weren't fine and we didn't do anything about it and the next thing we know he's living in DC and I'm in Seattle, raising our children, then he cheats, we make up, then he's expecting a baby with another woman and suddenly I am thrown into a situation where I have to decide between my husband and my family and a child he made with his one night stand. It's not fair." Meredith said.

"I now know how Lexie felt." Meredith said.

"What?" Amelia asked curious.

"Mark wanted to adopt his grandson and then with Sofia with Callie, both times, Lexie had to chose." Meredith said.

"Derek's doing it to me. I am going to have to make a decision and it's going to impact my family, my kids, the one I have." Meredith said.

_"_I have two beautiful, amazing children, I'm not sure I even want a third." Meredith admitted, she had been satisfied with one, thrilled with Bailey but she had to admit, even just two children was a handful.

"I love Derek, but this, I don't know what to do."

"I don't know if I could love that child. I'm scared that if we, if that child became our child, every time I looked at it, all I saw was my husband cheating on me and I would resent that child. Even though it is not the child's fault. Does that make me a bad person?" Meredith asked.

"I watched a documentary on Children who were products of rape." Amelia said, it had been after Charlotte had been raped

"What?" Meredith said, confused, it seemed most off topic.

"Look I know that's not really the point, this clearly was not the case and is completely different circumstances but this documentary was full of Mothers who had given birth to children who where the product of rape and they'd all been offered abortions and said no. The thing that got me was I don't think one of those mothers said that when they looked at their child they saw their rape. They all talked about how they loved their child, it, sometimes life is terribly cruel but love can flourish in some of the darkest corners of our existence." Amelia said.

"My point is the message. Love can pull through, it's a complex indescribable occurrence, that still baffles neuroscience. It's the brain being bombarded with Dopamine,Norepinephrine and Seretonin all brought on by a crazy maze or neuropathways. We can't control love as much as we may try. Love is love, a force as powerful as any element, love may destroy us but it can also save us." Amelia said.

"I am not saying you have to do anything Meredith, I would support you if you told me brother you never wanted to see his cheating face again, what I am saying is don't close yourself off." Amelia said.

"I had a miscarriage when Derek was shot." Meredith admitted, she did not like talking about it and she was not sure why she was telling Amelia.

"I would have given anything to hold that baby, to have that baby, to love that baby." Meredith said.

"I, can you keep a secret from Derek, who am I kidding, your not going to be talking to him anytime soon." Amelia said

"What?" Meredith asked.  
"I had, I have a son." Amelia said wistfully.

"What!" Meredith said even more confused.

"He lived for only minutes, his life was measured in minutes, minutes to hold, minutes to love, minutes were his life, his eternity." Amelia said a tear falling down her face.

"What happened?" Meredith asked.

"Life, he was Anencephalic." Amelia admitted, as Meredith shuddered, she had seen pictures heard the horrific stories of the disease.

"That must have been." Meredith started to say but Amelia cut her off.

"Don't say horrible, words could not describe it, but I wouldn't have traded the minutes I had, his life, his existence, to not have felt the pain of his loss." Amelia said.

"A baby, isn't the worst thing to happen in life." Amelia said and Meredith could not help but think maybe Amelia was not that wrong.

"I always believed that Zola was meant to be our Daughter. The adoption books all say that, that adopted children are meant to be, destined by fate, that even though she was born in another country in a completely different life, she was always meant to be our daughter." Meredith said,

"What does it mean. Derek has a choice, even if we take the baby does that mean that my husband was meant to cheat on me? Does that mean that I was meant to hurt and feel the pain of his betrayal. How can that be fate. It was not fate, it was alcohol and a weak husband who couldn't keep it in his pants. That's not fate. That's not being born in another country and ending up my daughter. It's dirty and horrible. Does that mean that, that child is meant to live with some other family. It's biological parents got drunk and created it and then it's mother did not want it and it's father had another family so it ended up with these other parents. Is that its fate, its meant to be story. If I had, if Bailey had of had, some other father, for what ever reason, I would not have given him up, I would not have even considered it. Why is it an option here?" Meredith said, today had been overwhelming she thought as she heard Amelia's phone beep.

"Apparently your kids are asking when you are coming home." Amelia said.

"Do you want me to tell Owen to tell them you're working?" Amelia asked.

"No, I should, I should go home, my children need me." She said, emphasizing the last part. She had her own children to worry about, it wasn't just Derek's potential child in the mix.

"I'll drive you home." Amelia said.

The ride home had been much like the ride away, somber and quiet, Meredith drank in the last few moments of time away, as they pulled up to the house. Meredith dreaded the fear of what she would walk back into. Amelia offered to come in but Meredith just shook her head, she had to face this on her own, she thanked Amelia for being there for her and got out of the car. She paused at the door, mustering up every ounce of strength she had, before she opened it.

She walked in and saw Zola and Bailey engrossed in a DVD on the TV. Zola briefly waved at her, before getting drawn back in. Owen, got up realizing he could leave and walked passed her, placing a hand on her shoulder for a moment. Meredith looked at Derek, he was sitting on the couch behind the kids, still in his pajamas's. Their eyes locked for just a second. His beckoned her, his face screamed that he was sorry and he needed her but she could not be with him, his mouth opened and stopped.

"Derek I don't want to talk right now" Meredith said,

"Okay." Derek said, he could understand that.

"I want you to go back to the guest room." She said, as the tears started to run down her face.

"Okay." Derek said, feeling the pain he had caused.

"We can talk about this in couples therapy." Meredith said, before retreating to the bedroom and burying her head beneath the pillows that still had his scent on them. She hated today and missed yesterday.

* * *

Couples therapy had been a complete disaster Meredith concluded a couple of days later. They had arrived in separate cars, and taken seats at opposite ends of the waiting room, barely making any eye contact, except for a few stolen glances. Meredith had moved to the pissed stage of things. At first she had been upset but after the shock had worn off, she was just angry. Angry about the situation, angry that she had let Derek back into her life, angry that a decision had to be made. When Louisa had called them in, Meredith was sure ever the counselor felt awkward, sitting in the same room as them.

"So." Louisa had said but neither of them said anything, Derek glanced at Meredith his eyes pleading with her, for a moment she felt her heart of anger thaw but it quickly froze.

"Alright, does someone want to tell me what is going on?" Louisa asked, puzzled, they had seemed so happy and willing the week before but today she felt like she could touch the tension.

"You know this really works better if someone talks." Louisa said, she had been in this business for a long time and knew that not talking was a sign of a big problem, it also made her job a darn side harder she thought.

"Fine might as well get it all out in the open." Meredith said glaring at Derek, she wished she could hide her anger, control it, but she couldn't, every time she looked at him, the anger just seemed to boil over.

"Derek's one night stand, Natalie, arrived on our doorstep the other day, with a slightly bulging belly." Meredith said, she was snide to , snide angry and hurting, what an unfortunate combination.

"Okay." Louisa said, unable to mask the surprise that lit up her face, she glanced between Derek and Meredith, unable to make heads or tails of the situation.

"Derek do you have anything to say?" Louisa asked.

"I don't know." Derek said quietly, he had talked to his new therapist he had managed to get into yesterday, after he decided that Doctor Leed was probably not the most suited person for the situation he was in now. Derek had started to figure out how he felt but was still unsure.

"Natalie doesn't want the baby." Derek said.

"She wanted to know if I,as the baby's biological father, wanted it." Derek admitted, he still didn't like the way Natalie offered him the child, it was a child.

"Really!"Louisa said, getting even more shocked.

"That must have been quiet a shock for the both of you." Louisa said as Meredith rolled her eyes and Derek let out a small laugh, seeing his wife's reaction.

"Naturally." Derek said.

"And Meredith what do you think about this?" Louisa asked reverting to the basics.

"I, I don't know." Meredith admitted, she could feel Derek's eyes burning into her, but she refused to look him in the eye, scared that if she did, she just might very well break down on the spot, unable to ever claw her way out of it.

"I forgave Derek for the cheating. The day before. and I am torn because I don't know if I still forgive him, knowing what I know now. It changes things." Meredith said.

"It's a," Meredith paused, "We have two children and I am concerned that Derek might make a rash decision clouded by emotion, rather than a well considered one." Meredith said.

"I can't make a, I don't want to make a decision with out you." Derek said, talking to his wife directly for the first time.

"Derek, you have to make the decision, you get that right." Meredith said finally looking her husband in the eye, all she saw was fear and pain, etched across his face.

"Derek this is your child, it is your decision, as much as it pains me to say, I'm not involved in this situation." Meredith said.

"I can't decide for you, you have to choose." Meredith said.

"What if I choose wrong." Derek said, it was his biggest fear. What if he chose wrong, not just for himself, or Meredith and the kids but for the baby.

"I've chosen wrong before." Derek said, a tear falling down his face.

"How do you feel about the whole situation." Louisa said, trying to get a word in, part of her felt like they didn't need couples therapy today, they just needed to be forced into the same room and made to speak.

"I feel confused, it's my child, but Meredith is my wife. Meredith I love you more than anything." Derek said.

"I know." Meredith said, "and I love you as well, that's why this is so excruciatingly painful for me."

"It seems like it is painful for both of you." Louisa commented.

"Have you talked to the mother since?" Louisa asked, Meredith was interested in what he would say.

"Yes, no." Derek said as Meredith's face fell.

"She texted me, to apologise and she wanted to ask some medical history questions, she probably has an ultrasound appointment coming up soon." Derek concluded.

"How far along is she?" Louisa asked.

"12 weeks." Meredith and Derek said at the same time. Meredith had done the maths.

"Is there any chance that it could be someone else's child?" Louisa asked, Meredith had been to scared to ask that question.

"I don't think so, but I did ask her in the next text, she's happy for a paternity test but says there is no chance since she hasn't done it, with her boyfriend." Derek said trailing off. He wished it was her boyfriends.

"Have you talked to her anymore?" Louisa asked.

"no she texted me again and I blocked her number I was angry." Derek said.

"Derek you do realize you can't avoid this." Meredith said.

"I know, I just, I want to know what do you think." Derek said. He was falling apart.

"I've told you what I think, this is a decision you need to make." Meredith said and the room plunged back into silence.

That was their couples counselling, two people sitting on opposite ends of the couch, barely talking to one another and get almost no where.

They continued to avoid each other for the days that followed, neither knowing what to say, they had worked opposite shifts, so they barely saw each other. Which was good in away, giving them the time they so needed.

* * *

It had been a few days since the unproductive counselling session and Meredith had been avoiding Derek like he had the plague. She was half way through pulling her second double shift of the week and she was exhausted. She had barely seen her kids, so she had decide to have lunch with them. They sat in the somewhat quite cafeteria, before the lunch rush. Meredith was so thankful that Zola and Bailey, hadn't seemed to be affected by their parents problems. It wasn't long before Maggie spotted them and joined them.

"So how are things with you and Derek?" Maggie asked, offering Zola her pudding cup as Alex and Callie sat down.

"They are fine." Meredith said, she had been putting on a front for the children and herself, she wasn't ready to let the whole world know.

"Fine, you two seem to have been avoiding each other for the last week." Alex said making a funny face at Bailey.

"Alex please leave it, I said I'm fine." Meredith pleaded she was just trying to keep it together, they stared at her for a moment, before moving on.

"Umm Meredith." Callie said after a moment.

"For the love of, is it too much to ask for a nice quiet lunch with my kids, why do you all have to be so nosy."Meredith said slamming her fork down, she pushed her salad away, she wasn't hungry now.

"No it's not that and it wasn't, there's a woman standing behind you, staring." Callie said pointing, as Meredith turned around.

It was Natalie, Meredith's stomach sunk. What the hell was she doing here, Meredith thought.

"Umm.' Natalie said, regretting this, she wondered if she could just turn around.

"I was just, getting lunch and I, well I saw you." Natalie rambled.

"Please leave." Meredith said, curtly.

"I just wanted to." Natalie said as Meredith turned around

"What" Meredith yelled as the room fell silent.

Amelia appeared, suddenly.

"Hey Zola, Bailey, I have something really cool to show you in my office, Meredith do you mind if I take my favorite niece and Nephew for a while." Amelia said, not even waiting for a reply. The few early lunch eating hospital staff in the cafeteria watched Amelia leave with the children and then turned back to Meredith and the woman.

"How dare you show up here and try and talk to me when I am with my children, my babies. They are my kids, and they do not need the woman their father banged in their life." Meredith said, as everyone quickly realized who the woman was.

"Just because you slept with my husband does not give you the right to insert yourself any further into my life." Meredith hissed, she was over this, she was tired of pretending things were okay when they weren't.

"I just wanted to talk about, you know." Natalie said, cowering.

"Yes I know, I know, I hate the fact that I know, that I have to know." Meredith said, she was angry, growing furious.

"We were fine, we were doing better and then you show up, and not only show up, that I could have lived with. You show up with that." Meredith said pointing to Natalie's stomach. Maggie, Alex and Callie all realized exactly what the that, Meredith was talking about was and their mouths fell open.

"I think we need to talk maybe somewhere less public, people, people are staring." Natalie said, awkwardly shifting from one leg to another.

"We don't need to talk. Maybe you and my husband need to talk. But we." Meredith said pointing between the two of them "we don't need to talk"

""we aren't anything" Meredith snapped

"And as for people looking, you know what, I don't seem to have any self respect left now, now that you've shown up and inserted yourself into my life. So I don't care what people think of me, or the woman who slept with my husband." Meredith said, as the heads turned away.

"l know he's your husband" Natalie said

"Do you now, is that suppose to make me feel better, that you now know he is my husband. It would have been a lot more reassuring if you had known that weeks ago." Meredith said.

"I am a good person, I know you are mad and you have every right to be angry at me, but I don't deserve to be treated like this you are out of line." Natalie said, standing up for herself, Natalie might have been a shy person but she wasn't willing to be treated like this.

"I'm sure you are, but I hope you realize you are not a person I ever wanted to meet." Meredith said, maybe she had been a bit harsh, but she didn't care about that either, she just wanted to be left alone.

"So can you please go away, and leave me in peace, to finish my lunch." Meredith said.

"Fine but I just wanted to say, that I have an ultrasound tomorrow at five and I can seem to get in contact with Derek, so I thought I'd let you know, in case either of you wanted to come." Natalie said, finally saying what she had come over to say.

"Really, get the hell out of my life." Meredith yelled, as Natalie disappeared, pausing at the door, Derek was standing there.

Derek stared at Meredith, he'd been there for most of the conversation, heard it all. Hated himself some more. He stared at Meredith, trying to figure her out, wanting to help her, knowing he had caused the pain that was exploding out of her.

"What the hell do you want now." Meredith said, getting up and leaving, she could not do this, she could not be there, with all the people who knew her. She needed to leave, escape be alone. She found empty closet, in a corridor that was hardly used, filled with bed pans and linen and slid down to the floor, resting her head against the cool wall, she let herself cry. She didn't think she could come out of the closet, she didn't want to she felt safe. She had been in that room for over forty five minutes when she heard a knock at the door.

"Meredith." A familiar voice said, "Can I come in?"

It was Paul, crap Meredith thought, the news of her shouting match had clearly traveled like a wild fire through the hospital and Paul had heard it and was probably waiting out there with a straight jacket and a pair of burly psychiatric nurses.

"Are you going to commit me." Meredith asked, actually fearful of the prospect, is this what Derek had done to her driven her to insanity?

"No, Meredith." Paul said, opening the door. He quickly closed it behind him.

"I take it you've had a bad day." Paul said sitting down beside her, so their shoulders touched.

"I take it you like the rest of the hospital have heard." Meredith said, staring at the wall.

"I didn't hear it on the grapevine, if that's what you are asking, you sister in-law." Paul said, reassuring Meredith.

"How did you find me?" Meredith asked.

"Your Husband has been sitting outside for the past half and hour." Paul said, "Looking very sad."

"Oh." Meredith said looking at the door. Was Derek still out there listening in.

"I moved him along, I think he's worried about you, I think your sister in law is worried about you. I'm worried about you." Paul admitted placing his hand on Meredith's arm.

"Why?" Meredith said.

"Why are the worried about you?" Paul asked confused.

"No, why are you worried about me?" Meredith asked.

"I, the same reason I came in on my day off to talk to you and the same reason I have come in early or stayed back late multiple times over the past few weeks, just so you could come and talk. I care about you Meredith." Paul admitted, not just to Meredith but to himself, he cared deeply about the woman sitting next to him.

"You are an amazing, complex, compassionate, beautiful woman, Meredith Grey, and you astound me, every time you sit in my office, with your strength and courage." Paul admitted.

"I'm married." Meredith said, quietly, as she stared at Paul, slightly shocked by his revaluation and intrigued.

"You don't think I don't know that." Paul said, the familiar grin Meredith had grown to recognize, appearing on his face. He knew he could not have her, it would appear that this poor man could not have a lot of the things he wanted in life.

"I probably looked like a complete idiot today." Meredith admitted.

"Probably." Paul said,

"But that's okay you can fire anyone who looks at your twice." Paul joked, making Meredith smile.

"She just wouldn't leave, I need space from her, I mean I know it's not entirely her fault, in fact in a lot of ways she isn't at all at fault. She slept with my husband, but she didn't know he was married, Derek, is at fault. I think I just don't like what she represents, or could represent. The end of my marriage and my family." Meredith said.

"Have you and Derek decided what to do?" Paul asked.  
"No, we went to couples counselling yesterday, but I think, I think we scared the couples counselor with our problem, I mean a week ago she had this almost healed couple sitting on her couch and then boom, a complete mess, talking at each other for the first time since we found out." Meredith admitted.

"I think he wants the baby." Meredith admitted, as Paul wrapped his arms around her.  
"Does that mean my marriage is over?" Meredith said, falling apart for the second time that day. She felt safe in Paul's arms and in a way that scared her more than anything.

* * *

So that was 1/3 chapters all compiled. Covering multiple things. Amelia and Meredith discuss Chemistry and love, you meet the counselor who in my mind is somewhat hippyish and then you get the culmination of emotions and exhaustion bubbling over. Anyway I'm still not convinced I like the mega long squished together chapters, but let me know what you think.

Cheers

Lumae


	27. Chapter 27

So it would appear I hit a few nerves, in my last update, and people weren't happy. Part of that reaction upsets me and another part reminds me that people aren't always going to like what you write and sometimes that's a good thing. But name calling and childish remarks don't really bother me, I see them as a reflection of the readers caliber or lack there off. So I don't really care what you think if you don't like by all means find something else to read, but seriously don't you have something better to do with your life than attack something you don't enjoy. I think the reason a lot off people may take offense is more to do with the fact that I am not writing some soppy pornish ode to their idolized characters, which I think is boring as hell. If you think my characters aren't real or the interaction is very life like, I suggest you stop reading fanfics and watching tv shows and start going outdoors and seeing life in all it's glory.

* * *

Meredith finally felt Paul let go.

"I have a husband." Meredith said, turning to Paul, it felt wrong to be sitting on the floor with another man.

"I love him, even if he hurts me." Meredith said, it might have felt comforting for a moment but she felt it was wrong, this was a some man who seemed to be taking advantage of her vulnerability. He took advantage of his position.

"I feel like, you should not be sitting on the floor in a store room with me." Meredith said, getting up.

"I probably shouldn't." Paul agreed, standing up.

"Not probably, defiantly," Meredith said.

"You are helpful, but that help shouldn't leave your office, you shouldn't care more about me than any other patient." Meredith said, moving away from Paul.

"I know." Paul agreed, he had crossed a line.

"Thank you for your help Paul, I appreciated it but I think, I think I need to be able to deal with my life, myself or with my husband." Meredith said.

"You should have sent Derek in." Meredith said, she was sick of avoiding him, they needed to talk one way or another, they had to figure this out. Maybe not in therapy, not by bouncing feelings and thoughts off a third person but by actually sitting down and talking. By living the pain, by working through the grit and dirt that clouded their life.

"Can you leave." Meredith asked, a dejected looking Paul, who listen though and walked out the door.

Meredith sat back down and pulled out her phone, she hit the speed dial for Derek, he picked up almost instantly.

"Meredith." He voice almost sang, he was so revealed to see her photo flash across his screen.

"Is everyone talking about me?" Meredith asked.

"No, not in a bad way, they are talking about me though, in a really bad way." Derek admitted, he had been hiding out in his office ever since Paul told him to leave the store room door.

"Did Paul talk to you?" Derek asked.

"I don't want to talk about it, or to Paul, I want to talk to you." Meredith said much to Derek's surprise.

"Really." Derek said surprised. She wanted to talk to him/

"Yes." Meredith said, she did want to talk to her husband, the man she still loved. She wanted to talk to him. Sometimes people things that you did not love but that does not mean you do not still love them, if you did not, how strong would love be in the first place.

"Are you still in the closet?" Derek asked.

"I like it here." Meredith said, causing Derek to smile.

"Don't move, wait for me, I'll be there soon." Derek said grabbing his coat.

As promised Derek opened the door just minutes later.

"Meredith." He said, looking at his wife, she seemed so sad, he sat down beside her and she felt better, she had missed his presence.

"I've missed you." She said and it was not a lie.

"So have I." Derek said

"So what are we going to do." Meredith said, it was one baby step at a time. They just had to start, start walking along the path together and find out where it went.

"Would you hate me if wanted that child in my life?" Derek asked breaking the ground.

"I don't know, do you?" Meredith asked, looking at Derek, she already knew the answer.

"You do don't you. You wouldn't be you if you didn't." Meredith said, she had known all along how he would feel. How could he not love a child that was part him.

"Even if I do, I don't matter, you and Zola and Bailey, this effects everyone." Derek said.

"I know." Meredith said, she didn't have any more fight left in her. She had to take life as it came.

"Adoptions not a bad word." Derek said.  
"It is if that's not what you want." Meredith said.

"It's the job all over again." Derek said.

"I have this opportunity, that completely disrupts our lives and you are just thrown in the middle." Derek said.

"Meredith I didn't ask what you wanted last time, I didn't consult you. I'm not going to do that this time." Derek said.

"I want to know what you think, what you want." Derek said.

"I don't want to make this decision by myself I want to make it with you." Derek said.

"You are what matters, you and our kids." Derek said.

"What happens if I say no, I tell you that I don't want to be with you if you have this child in you life?" Meredith asked curious.

"So you give away your paternal rights and then resent me?" Meredith said, it was a concern that had plagued her for a while.

"Then we are back to you and I not speaking again, the children suffer and our marriage breaks down again." Meredith said.

"What would we tell the child if you did not give up your rights and who would I be. What would we tell Zola and Bailey? " Meredith asked, it felt good to get her concerns off her chest and even better to be able to express them with Derek, the only person who could answer them.

Derek looked at Meredith, he didn't have answers, not yet.

"What if we raise the child as our own and then she turns up a year, five years, ten years, some point down the track and demands the child back, it is her child too and I know she says she doesn't want it and that she only wants to focus on her research but emotions are powerful." Meredith said.

"I just feel like I'm losing you." Meredith said.

"You're not losing me, I am right here." Derek said, "I will always be here."

"But your not, your life is changing all the time, you get jobs and other kids, you life is moving away from mine and I am just sitting here in a closet trying to figure out if I can hold on and I keep wondering if I should just let go of you but I don't want to let go." Meredith said.

"I lost control, Meredith, I did, but I felt like that other day, that we were almost back together and then this hit." Derek said, Meredith nodded. Perhaps that's what made it so gut wrenching, they were so close and then the top of the mountain just disappeared out of sight.

"We were and now, I don't know if we will ever find our way back." Meredith admitted.

"I know." Derek admitted, the mountain looked almost insurmountable.

"I want to find our back again, I want to figure this out." Derek said, placing his hand on hers and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"So do I." Meredith said, looking up at Derek, she wanted to work it out one way or another.

"I can't stay in the closet for ever." Meredith mused, even though it wasn't the closet she was talking about.

"Are you going to go to the ultrasound?" Meredith asked, curious.

"I don't want to." Derek said, because it would make it real, the whole thing.

"I think you should." Meredith said. It was his child.

"Look I know you Derek, you can't help not loving that child and it's not a fault. It doesn't make you a monster, it makes you the man I married, the man who loves his children, this is your child. " Meredith said

"Zola and Bailey are my children." Derek countered.

"It doesn't mean you can't have more." Meredith admitted.

"If that is what you want, we can try and make it work." Meredith said.

"Us together, just us, working it through if we commit I think we can do this." Meredith said.

"Meredith." Derek said surprised he thought she would be against the idea.

"Look the world isn't black and white, I don't see the world as black and white and people may think that I shouldn't love a child who is not my own but who are they to say I can't. My world is not black and white, I feel sorry for serial killers and I love my husband even though he cheated on me. Love is chemical, it is organic, who's to say we can't love this child. Arizona did it, the world is full of people who love children who aren't biologically related to them. We love Zola just as much as we love Bailey. Love is not straight forward it is complex and unbinding, it does not have to follow convention dictated by the over judging people who form our society. I love you Derek, I don't love that you cheated on me but I forgave you for that and that forgiveness still stands." Meredith said.

"Derek if you want to we can make this work." Meredith said, it would not be easy but life rarely was and neither where the things that were worth fighting for. their family their love was worth fighting for.

"If you want to go to the ultrasound, we can, together." Meredith said. Meredith had finally figured it out, she could not fix her relationship by pushing Derek away. That was never going to work. It just pulled their relationship further apart. Repairing the break was not about blaming and yelling names, it was about committing and figuring the problems out together.

"You'd do that." Derek said.

"Yes I would." Meredith said.

"I told the shooter to shoot me, this is easy." Meredith said, because the truth was, in a way, in a very messed up backwards kind off way, this was easier.

"You are a remarkable woman." Derek said gazing into her eyes as an almost magnetic force pulled their lips together.

Sometimes love is strong enough to make people realize what is really important and once you realize that, it makes everything else so much easier.

* * *

I actually was not going to continue this story because I found the unpleasant reviews very off putting, but to hell with it. If you don't like it you don't have to read it, plenty of other people seem to be enjoying it so I shall keep adding to it. Side note, working things out does not equal being okay with everything,

Anyway thanks for reading and I don't care if you don't like it maybe you should go and write something.

Cheers

Lumae


	28. Chapter 28

Next chapter, enjoy- Lumae

* * *

Meredith sat silently next to Derek in the obstetrician waiting room, she kept tapping her foot, anxiously against the ground, it was surreal sitting in that waiting room, looking at all women in various stages of pregnancy, knowing that they were looking at her probably guessing she was here for her first ultrasound. She had been so nervous, when she was pregnant with Bailey that she had not enjoyed this part of the pregnancy, she was so scared of losing him to a miscarriage that she could not bring herself to look at the ultrasound. Natalie had not shown up yet. There was an older lady sitting next to her, maybe she sensed Meredith's hesitation.

"I'm sure it will be all alright dear." The lady said turning to Meredith, with a warm smile.

Meredith just nodded not wanting to go in detail.

"How far along are you?" The lady asked.

"I" Meredith paused as the door opened and Natalie walked in accompanied by a young man, Natalie nodded at Derek and her, before going to the desk to talk to the receptionist.

"So how far along are?" The old lady asked again.

"I'm not pregnant." Meredith said, turning towards Derek.

"Are you sure you want to be here?" Derek whispered so the old lady couldn't here.

"We can hardly leave now, not now that she's seen us. Is that her boyfriend?" Meredith asked, staring at Natalie and the man who had now taken a sit over the other side of the room.

"I guess so." Derek said, his eyes narrowing at the man, he was pretty sure he had met the young man in DC, which made sense since Natalie had said her boyfriend worked with the brain mapping initiative.

"Do you think we should go and say hi?" Meredith asked, she was trying to be supportive but she did not know what to do, there was no book on what to expect when your husband is expecting with his one night stand, she wished there was, that would make the whole thing so much easier.

"We don't have to. We are just here to see the ultrasound." Derek said, he did not want to talk to Natalie, he knew it was irrational and wrong considering the very platonic friendship they had had in DC, but he could not stand to interact with Natalia anymore, she was a reminder of all he had done wrong. All the ways he had hurt Meredith.

"Natalia Hughes." A nurse called, and all for of them stood up, somewhat to the nurses surprise.

"Are you all coming in?" The nurse asked and the four of them looked at each other.

"I guess we are." Natalie said.

"Okay." The nurse muttered, though it did not really phase her, there were a lot of weird set ups when it came to pregnancy.

"So, if you would all like to make yourselves comfortable." The nurse said, "There are a couple of stools beneath the cabinet over there you can use."

"Natalie here's gown, if you could just put that on, there's a bathroom behind that door." The nurse pointed.

"The doctor will be with all of you soon, here's some paper work, general family history sort of stuff." The nurse paused not sure which gentleman she should pass it to, Derek stepped forward taking the forms from the nurse.

"Alright, so the Doctor shouldn't be wrong." The nurse said before leaving the room in an awkward silence.

"So." the man said, "I'm Trevor Dover and you must be Meredith and Derek."

Meredith and Derek just nodded, awkwardly. Meredith looked at Natalie, remembering her shouting match she had had with the woman days earlier.

"Thanks for coming." Natalie said, looking at the both of them.

"I," Meredith started she thought she should say something.

"Look Meredith if it about the other day, don't worry about it, it was my fault, I shouldn't have approached you I am sorry for ruining your lunch." Natalie said, breaking the tension that had been building in the room.

"You are allowed to be angry with this situation and with me." Natalie said, Meredith just stared at the lady, quiet shocked and thankful, she really didn't want to have to explain herself.

"I should go put this gown on." Natalie said.

"So I hear you're a General Surgeon." Trevor said to Meredith, Meredith did not quiet get these people they were different chatty weird.

"Yes." Meredith said, was this, this guys idea of small talk, Meredith wondered, looking at Derek who was busy scribbling on the paperwork.

"My brother is a general surgeon over at Johns Hopkins." Trevor said and the room fell silent again.

Natalie came back dressed in the gown just as the Doctor entered the room.

"Hi, I am Doctor Felicia Clementine." The woman said staring at the four of them.

"I'm guessing you are Natalie." She said, to Natalie, "But umm, who are the rest of you?"

"I'm, we're." Derek stuttered, speaking for the first time.

"It's a bit of a complicated and sensitive subject." Natalie said trying to spare them all the awkwardness, Doctor Clementine seemed to sense that there was something going on but that she did not need to know, so she tried to ignore it.

"Well then, it say here you are 13 weeks along and so your due on the first of October." Dr Clementine said, taking out her chart.

"So how's the pregnancy been going?" Dr Clementine asked.

"Any morning sickness, cramping, bleeding?"

"I had some morning sickness for a few weeks but that's all gone."Natalie admitted, she really did not like being the center of attention, she was a wallflower by nature.

"Have you been taking your pre natal vitamins?" Dr Clementine asked.

"Yes." Natalie said.

"Any Sexual transmitted diseases i should be aware about." Dr clementine asked not at all bashfully.

"No." Natalie said.

"Anyone else here want to own up to any." Dr Clementine said, not looking up.

"No." The others said all looking awkwardly at each other.

"Are you sure, no syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia genital herpes, if anyone has genital herpes, speak now." Dr Clementine said, with a grin, sometimes she liked messing with people.

"Okay, I was not going to ask, but are you a group of swingers?"Dr Clementine asked, curios as to how all four people had ended up in a room.

"No, no." They all said.

"So, you what's your deal?" Looking at Meredith.

"He's my Husband." Meredith said, holding on to Derek's hand.

"Husband, what's your deal?" She asked looking quizzically at Derek.

"I'm, I'm, biologically." Derek stuttered, he did not know what he was. Was he the father

"and you?" She said to Trevor not missing a beat.

"I'm Natalie's boyfriend." Trevor said, looking at he shoes.

"Right so now I understand why it is so tense in here, how about we take a look at the main event and then I'll leave you all to talk." Doctor Clementine said, rolling the ultrasound machine over.

"Okay can I just get you to lift up the gown." Doctor Clementine said.

"Okay this is going to be cold."Doctor Clementine said squeezing the gel onto Natalie's belly.

'Okay, everyone here we go." Doctor Clementine said as she started to move the probe across Natalie's abdomen and a grainy image appeared on the screen.

"Well hello baby." Doctor Clementine grinned.

Meredith looked at Derek, his face was full of awe, that quickly disappeared. Meredith looked at the picture that was her husband's baby, that was Derek's baby and she couldn't help but let a small, faint almost invisible smile slip onto her face.

"How is the baby?" Natalie asked and Meredith could not help but notice the lack of emotion on the young woman's voice, was it because she did not want to get attached to the grainy baby like image on the screen, or was it that this woman truly did not care to be a mother.

"The baby looks fine." Meredith said, trying to reassure Natalie.

"See look, there's it head, it's good size for a baby at this stage and it's got a strong heart beat and look, it's sucking it's thumb." Meredith said pointing.

"I see we have another doctor in the room." Doctor Clementine said, though she was fairly sure she knew who these two people standing a few feet away from Natalie where.

"Two doctors." Derek said, not taking his eyes away from the image, that was his child, his baby but it wasn't Meredith's and that fact tore him up inside.

"Actually four Natalie and I have both done our PHD's" Trevor said, with a bit of gusto.

"You two are on the board at Grey Sloan, right?" Doctor Clementine said, ignoring Trevor and wiping the goo off Natalie's belly, Meredith and Derek nodded, there was no escaping their notability in the medical world.

"So as she said, everything is fine, so far, I'd like to see you in a 5 weeks for the 18 week scan, you can book an appointment on the way out, and feel free to use this room for as long as you need. Here are four copies of the image, cute baby." Doctor Clementine said, before leaving the room.

"So" Natalie said , placing the picture on the counter.

"That was, interesting." Trevor said, helping Natalie up. "I've never seen an ultrasound preformed before."

"How did you guys find it?" He asked, looking at Meredith and Derek, who just stared at each other, neither one knowing what to say.

"Thank you for letting us come." Derek finally said, it seemed like the best response, he was thankful he was there but he still did not know what that meant for him and Meredith or where they stood.

"Crap," Trevor said glancing at his watch,"I have to leave, I'm late for a research meeting."

"You'll be right getting yourself home." Trevor said, kissing Natalie.

"Yeah I'll be right see you tonight." She said as Trevor walked out.

The room once again fell to silence. Meredith and Derek did not quite know what to do, or if they should leave.

"Look I know this is all confusing and it throws spanners into everyone's lives but, the one thing I got from this ultrasound was, this thing, living growing inside me is real and whilst I don't want to be it's mother, I owe it to this baby to find someone, some people who are willing and wanting to take it. I get that you two may still be unsure and that's fine, I can wait, but this baby is coming and I can't keep it in me for ever, so I would really appreciate it if we could talk, actually talk about everything, somewhere that isn't a doctors office." Natalie said.

"I've got work." Meredith lied, she had taken the day off, so had Derek. She did not want to lie, she just needed this to not go so fast. Derek looked at Meredith, he knew that she did not want to commit to anything until they had both worked it out.

"Can we do it another day?" Derek asked.

"How about tomorrow?" Natalie asked, she understood that this was difficult for them, but it was not easy for her, or how she had planned her life but it was now her life and she wanted, no she needed to sort it out.

"I, can we do that Meredith?" Derek asked.

"I guess." Meredith replied, looking at her shoes, it felt like she was being rushed.

"Okay then we'll see you tomorrow at 2." Natalie said, grabbing her clothes.

Meredith and Derek, seized the opportunity to leave. As they reached the car park, Meredith realized they hadn't specified a place and she did not want Natalie showing up at the house. She turned to Derek and told him to wait and she ran back in. She walked back into the room and noticed Natalie was not in there, but her phone and the ultrasound picture where sitting on the bench, as she glanced at the phone a message popped up. Meredith stared at it, shocked at what she was seeing.

* * *

I know cliff hanger again, I'll try and update soon. Try guessing what Meredith saw and why it shocked her, don't jump to obvious conclusions though.

Also from now on all gutless comments go up, so everyone else can read them and judge. And by the way to that oh so familiar guest reviewer you can critique a story but what you most certainly can not do is turn around and decide to attack me or my family. Just so we are clear my parents have been happily married for 30 years and neither of them are doormats and you are totally out of line with what you said. Also do you want to know what is pathetic, reading a story that you hate, chapter after a chapter, I mean why do you do it, is that what gets you off?

Anyway after that, for all you loyal readers, I hope today finds you well and is pleasant for you.

Cheer Lumae


	29. Chapter 29

Next chapter, not really a fan, it's more of a filler but anyway you can now unwedgie yourselves- enjoy Lumae

* * *

Meredith stared at the phone, shocked puzzled, confused, slightly horrified. She did not understand what she was looking at, it did not make sense but faint hint of fear and worry threatened to turn into something more. Just then Natalie came back into the room.

"Meredith," Natalie said surprised to see her back.

"I thought you'd left." She said, noticing her phone in the Meredith's hand.

"I'm always forgetting it, I can't wait until since finds a way to attach them to our hands or something." Natalie said oblivious to what Meredith had seen, Meredith handed Natalie the phone.

"I came back to ask where you wanted to meet, we did not discuss this, I don't want it to be at our house." Meredith said, ignoring the picture she had seen.

"Oh, yes I forgot that too, sorry it's just been a weird day, a weird couple of weeks, months. The Bean House it's a coffee shop hidden away from the world, it's quiet, good coffee and a carrot cake that will change your life, not joking, it's not far, we'll meet there." Natalie said.

"Natalie." Meredith said, she could not let what she had seen disappear into the back ground.

"Yes." Natalie said, looking at the message that was still on her phone, her eyes going wide in horror.

"What's that about." Meredith said.

"Nothing it's nothing." Natalie said, deleting the message.

"It's clearly not nothing, you as white as a ghost." Meredith said, the ball of worry morphing.

"It's nothing okay, nothing I can't handle." Natalie snapped, regretting it, Meredith was just trying to be nice she told herself, trying to adapt to the situation that she had help create and she snapped at her.

"Look, I know this is weird and awkward and I know it must be horrible to be in this room with me and I am grateful that you are not running at me with a pitchfork and that you are trying to cope and understand the situation that I helped put you in, and I know this is going to come off bitchy but just because I happen to be pregnant with your husband's baby, does not grant you access to all corners of my life." Natalie said.

"Okay." Meredith said slightly stunned, unsure if it was with Natalie's words or what she had seen.

"So, I'll see you at The Bean House tomorrow at 2." Natalie said, walking out.

Meredith just stood there, still unsure. She noticed Natalie had still forgotten to take the ultrasound picture with her, so she picked it up and put it in her bag. Today was indeed a very odd day. She found Derek waiting for her at the car, resting up against the door.

"You've got the keys." He said simply as she rummaged through her bag looking for the keys.

"Did you find Natalie." He asked as Meredith unlocked the car.

"Yes" She said getting in.

"We are meeting at The Bean House, where ever that is, I guess you can Google it." Meredith said, as Derek started the car. She was not going to bring up what she had seen to later.

The drive home was silent, filled with only the thoughts that clouded each of their minds. It had been an emotional and confusing day for both of them, it was not until they where sitting on the couch, that either could bring themselves to speak.

"How did it feel to see your baby?" Meredith asked.

"People think those ultrasound pictures are cute." Derek said.

"They are cute." Meredith said.

"Not to me, they just look like grainy baby shaped blobs." Derek admitted.

"You always looked amazed when we saw Bailey's ultrasounds." Meredith said slightly confused.

"Well, I was excited we where seeing our baby." Derek admitted.

"But this is your baby." Meredith said, puzzled by the lack of emotional connection Derek had towards the baby.

"But it's not ours." Derek said, a sad smile misting across his face.

It's his Meredith thought, was that not enough, she was prepared for that to be enough for her, she was prepared to try, why wasn't Derek. Why wasn't this enough for him.

"I'm scared of what you see, when you look at that ultrasound picture." Derek admitted.

"Is it a cute baby like image or is it the mistakes I have made. Is it the pain that I have caused, is it my indfedility, my errors that you see." Derek said, scared of her answer.

"Do you know what I don't see when I look at Zola?" Meredith asked.

"What?" Derek said confused.

"I don't see me bringing her home by myself because I had messed up your trial and you were angry. I don't see the moment Janet took her away from us because we were fighting. I don't see the spina bifida that brought her from Africa to our arms. I don't see her being abandonded at an orphanage. I don't see the countless negative pregnancy tests we did, or the silent moments after when I cried, for the lost oppuntnity. I don't see the positive pregnancy test, that disappeared that we lost to the gunman and my hostile uterus. When I look at Zola I don't see any of those things that ultimately brought Zola into our lives and our hearts. When I look at Zola all I see is our daughter, the bright, persasive, funny, loving little girl that calls you daddy and me mommy." Meredith said.

"When I looked at that ultrasound, I didn't see your indescretions or your unfaithfallness. I did not see you and Natalie betraying our marriage, I did not see what you did to me, or the pain your actions caused. I saw a baby, a tiny, growing baby, full of life and hope, unblemished by the horror that rattles the world. I saw a cute baby." Meredith admitted.

"I saw your baby." Meredith said, pulling the ultrasound picture out of her bag and showing it to Derek.

"I don't want you to hide your emotions towards that baby just because you don't want to hurt my feelings. It won't help either of us. We need to be open and honest or this will never work and I want it to work, so Derek how did it feel to see your baby." Meredith said, emphasining the your.

"It felt, that's my child, Meredith." Derek said his eyes lighting up wistfully.

It was his child, at the end of the day, it was his child and there was no avoiding that. No denying that, that grainy black and white image was his child and he could not help but feel love towards the grainy baby image

"She does not want the child." Derek said and Meredith did not need to be told who he was talking about.

"I know." Meredith said, she could agree with that statement, natalie seemed most disinterested in the baby.

"Some people don't want children." Meredith said.

"But I don't think you are some people, you are you and that baby, you want it." Meredith said.

"I do." Derek said, admitting it clearly for the first time. He had seen the heart beat that was his child and he could not, not love it.

"I want this child, I want to be able to love this child."Derek said.

"I want this child in my life" Derek said.

"I know, and that's okay." Meredith said as much as it pained her, what he wanted whilst unfair and painful to a degree, it was not undeniabbly uncalled for. He would not be him if he did not want his child in his life, he would not be her husband, the man she had fallen in love with, the man who was the father to her two children, he would not be that man unless he loved his third.

"Derek, after I discovered that Maggie was my sister, actually when I started to like Lexie, I couldn't help but think my life would have been better if I had grown up with them. If they had been in my life, the whole time, not just appearing out of the blue when my life was partly done. My life is good with them in it, and I can only imagine that it would have been better for them to be their all along. I know what it is like for long lost half siblings to show up mid way through your life and I don't want Zola or Bailey to have to ask the questions I did, to have to be confronted with that. I wish I had grown up with Lexie and Maggie and I guess even Molly. What I am saying is in a way maybe us taking the baby would be okay." Meredith finally admitted. It was true though she knew exactly what it was like to grow up without someone who could have been there, she did not want to deprive her children of that life, or opputunity.

"Are you saying." Derek paused.

"Yes, I am saying I am okay with it. If Natalie wants to give up her maternal rights, and it is on my terms, I am okay with it, with you." Meredith finally said what she had been feeling for days. A baby was not the worst thing to happen in life, arguably it was one of the better things.

"Okay we'll talk to Natalie." Derek said, a faint smile forming on his face, he leaned in, and their lips met for the second time that week and it did not feel weird.

"Derek about Natalie." Meredith said as they pulled apart, she had been trying to ignore what she had seen, but she couldn't any longer.

"Yes." Derek said.

"I saw something startling on her phone." Meredith said.

"And when I asked her about it she blew me off." Meredith said.

"What did you see?" Derek asked gazing into his wifes eyes.

" It was a picture of her and Trevor entering the clinic, with the words I FOUND YOU photo shopped over the top." Meredith said, the fear and confusion lacing her voice, causing Derek to stare in horror, this was not what he had expected.

* * *

Okay so wasn't that along and drawn out way to get the answer of the cliff hanger part and no one called it, let's see if anyone can call it now. So now I think I have made it somewhat clear that Meredith is slowly getting on board with the baby, but that doesn't mean it is going to be straight forward. Sorry for the latish update, but I got entranced by the most interesting book I think I have ever read, _We are all completely beside ourselves_, if any of you have ever read it I am sure you can relate to why I found it so mind blowingly enthralling and amazing, for those who haven't read it, you are really missing out. Feel free to leave a review about the story or what you think is going to happen to Derek on Grey's anatomy

Cheers

Lumae


	30. Chapter 30

Next chapter, I like this one a bit more than the last. It probably clarifies some things from the last chapter that seemed to confuse people, so that might be useful. Anyway, thanks for the reviews, also ever since my last rant at the mysterious nasty reviewer/ reviewers I haven't got a single one, now of course since I have now written this, I suspect I will be bombarded again, but one can hope, anyway enjoy, - Lumae

* * *

The next afternoon, Meredith and Derek had arrived at the coffee shop ten minutes before two. The had asked Owen for the week off, to sort things out, spend time with the kids and continue to work on their marriage, hunt had agreed and wished them luck. As they walked in, they immediately saw, Natalie and Trevor, sitting in a booth at the back.

"Hi." Derek had said, pulling the chair out for Meredith, before sitting down.

"Thank you for coming." Natalie said, eyeing Meredith carefully, she wondered if she had told Derek what she had seen

"We would like to start by talking about yesterday."Derek said, cautiously and Natalie instantly knew that Meredith had.

"About what Meredith saw." He continued, eyeing Natalie, watching for subtle changes, she froze at the mention of what Meredith saw.

"Trevor, I think I forgot to feed the parking meter could you run out and feed it please?" Natalie asked.

"I could have sworn I saw you." Trevor said, looking confused.

"Please, I really don't want to get a fine." Natalie begged. Trevor got up and went outside.

"He doesn't know about that picture does he." Meredith said.

"No he doesn't, he doesn't need to know, he doesn't need to worry." Natalie said.

"We're concerned." Derek said, even if he did not have any feelings for Natalie, he was still concerned by the picture Meredith had described to him.

"Look, I appreciate your concern and I understand that it must have come as quite a shock for Meredith but when I say I have it handled, I mean I have it handled." Natalie said, but Meredith and Derek did not look convinced.

"I have already contacted the correct people and Nigel will be going back to prison for violating his parole." Natalie said, trying to speed the conversation up before Trevor came back.

"Back too." Meredith said.

"Prison!"Derek said shocked.

"People make mistakes, even good people, I think we can all admit to that." Natalie deafened, though she was not sure why she felt like defending Nigel to the people sitting across from her, or anyone for that matter.

"Yes but good people tend to learn from their mistakes and not break parole conditions." Meredith said, wondering what sort of people Natalie associated with.

"Look I was young and still dealing with my sisters death and my parents resulting depression from my sisters death. He was nice until he wasn't and that's all you get, I don't owe you my life's story." Natalie said.

Nigel had been a difficult chapter of her life. He was tall and somewhat handsome, she had met him at a bar she had snuck into one night when she was 16. Iris had never been able to sneak into a bar, her disease made her stand out, it drew attention to her, she couldn't drink with the pharmaceutical cocktail she had been on anyway, plus dancing really was not Iris's strong suit. But Natalie remembered how Iris had always wanted to sneak into a bar, for that regular adolescent experience. So Natalie had in her sisters honor, at least that's what she had told herself snuck into a bar one night. It was easy getting out of the house unnoticed, since her sister's death, her parents had become seemingly oblivious to her existence, almost as if she had been the one to die. She had used the fake ID she had scored from Nikki Olveton's older brother and no one had thought twice, she looked old for her age.

It was not until she had been sitting at the bar that she started to question what she was doing there. Then a man in his mid twenties had come up to her, he was interested in her, talked about her, not about her sister, it was the first time in two years that she had felt like she was a person, not just a girl who had lost her sister. She did not tell Nigel about Iris, he knew she was underage, but he brought her, her first drink, some vodka tonic or something, she could not remember the name, but she remembered the burn that had lit up her throat as she took her first sip. It still burned after the second sip but by the third drink she was so intoxicated she didn't care. Nigel somehow had gotten her address off her and taken her home that night. He had charmed her parents into not grounding her for the rest of her life and when she woke up in the morning and looked out the window, he was there sitting on her front step, with a coffee and a smile.

He had charmed his way into her life and he quickly became a steady feature and then he became her boyfriend, her first real love. When she graduated early, they had moved into an apartment near UDub and that was when things started to change. He became a monster, he was controlling, he did not have a job, it appeared he survived on a trust fund. Half way through her first year she dropped out, he had already started to hit her and then one day, he did more than hit her, he hurt her in an unthinkable way, she had blocked all of it out of her mind. Her selective memory of the whole thing picked up again, when she woke up in hospital, her parents were there, they were there for her for the first time in forever. Nigel had broken four of her ribs, her left wrist, knocked out one of her front teeth, and bruised her spine, cracked her skull and left her feeling broken beyond belief. She had recovered what she could of her life and he had been put in prison, she re enrolled and once finished her degree, she left Seattle, even though he was still in prison, she was not going to stick around until he got out. But as fate had a cruel way of toying with her, she was now back in Seattle and he was out of prison, or at least he was yesterday.

"Natalie." Trevor's voice came, knocking her out of her thoughts.

"You didn't forget to pay the parking meter." He said, with a smile. Natalie liked Trevor, he was such a light hearted caring person. Natalie looked at Meredith and Derek, her eye's pleading with them to drop it.

"As I was saying it's not a concern anymore." She reiterated but she could tell they weren't exactly satisfied.

"How about we talk about the baby." Natalie had said, trying to change the conversation.

Meredith and Derek just looked at each other, unsure of what to make of the lady sitting across from them.

"Okay." Derek said.

"Meredith and I, well." Derek couldn't get the words out.

"We would be willing to adopt the baby. Well, I guess I would because technically it is Derek's." Meredith rambled, it wasn't easy having this conversation, she looked at Derek for support.

"I think we need a contract. It is all very well saying that you have no feelings towards the baby now, but what about in three months time when you feel the baby kicking, or in six months time when you are holding it in your arms, what about a year after that, or five years or at some point your feelings change and develop and you come knocking on the door demanding your child back. What happens then? We have our own children to think about as well, Zola and Bailey, we can't give them a sibling, have them love it and cherish it, only for you to turn up at some point and take that sibling away from them and us."Derek said, expressing both his and Meredith's concerns.

"You know people have been giving babies up for adoption a very long time. I am not the first person in the world to not want to raise a child." Natalie said, she felt like they were or at least Derek was implying she was some sort of monster, who just wanted to toy with their lives, she was not and she did not.

"I know how it feels to feel the baby move around inside of you, it's magical and so connecting." Meredith said, speaking up.

"I know how it feels to give birth." Meredith said,

"It's overwhelming giving birth, your hormones are in overdrive, it's so intense how you feel it changes in an instant once you hear your baby's cry. I understand that some people don't want to be mother's, my best friend, my own mother even, did not want to be mothers. I just don't think you should put yourself in a position when you can't even begin to understand how you are going to feel." Meredith said, it was a valid point Natalie thought but she did not want the baby and she had her reasons.

"Trevor how would you feel if Natalie said she wanted the baby?" Meredith asked, she was concerned that given Natalie's seemingly poor taste in men, Trevor was the real reason Natalie did not want to mother this baby.

"I've always said I was fine with it." Trevor said, looking sincere.

"When I found out I told her that she did not need to tell Derek, we could find new jobs and raise the baby together. I was more than willing to be the baby's father but this was Natalie decision and I will support her no matter what she chooses." Trevor said looking into Natalie's eyes.

"I do agree with Meredith, Natalie, you may change your mind and once you hold the baby and maybe we do need to discuss what to do then." Trevor reasoned.

"I won't." Natalie said, there was a reason she did not want the baby.

"But what if you do, you'll be trapped in a situation that isn't good for anyone." Trevor said and Meredith and Derek agreed.

"What if we wait until after the baby is born, for you to sign over your rights, what if we have a contract drawn up that states you intention to give Meredith and I full custody of the baby in the event you wish to relinquish your parental rights to the baby." Derek suggested, he wanted the baby and he loved Meredith but he was not about to deprive the child of knowing it's biological mother if she wanted to, that was not fair.

"Fine." Natalie agreed.  
"But I want the other contract drawn up as well before I have the baby." Natalie said.

"And I want the first contract to include that you and Meredith agree to take the baby." Natalie said.

"I don't want to give birth and then have you two change your mind." Natalie admitted.

"Okay." Meredith and Derek said, it was a reasonable request.

"Okay." Natalie said.

"I'll get the contract's drawn up." Derek said.

"I know this can wait but I would like to know how you want us to approach the situation when the baby is old enough, what you would like us to say. When the baby, when the child ask's about you. Would you like to be in the baby's life. Meredith said.

"No" Natalie said simply, she did not want to be in the child's life. She did not want to burden this child with her life.

"You two can decide what to tell the baby." Natalie said.

"Would you want the child to ever be able find you?" Meredith asked, surprised.

"Like I said, I'll leave that up to you two." Natalie said.

* * *

As I said, I really enjoyed writing that chapter, flexing some different writing muscles is always fun. Anyway, keep an eye out for the next few chapters, where Cristina and some other much loved characters will be making an appearance. Thanks for reading, let me know what you think.

Cheers,

Lumae


	31. Chapter 31

Hi, so I've been busy, doing other things, not that I don't think writing this story for all of you is an important thing, it just sometimes does not rank high on the list of important things to do in life. Luckily for all of you, Procrastinating is generally for some inexplicable reason high on my list and I never quite know who has put it there, but anyway, look out for a few chapters in the next few hours because I'm in a procrastinating mood. - Lumae

* * *

It had been a week since Meredith and Derek had met with Natalie in the cafe. They had been working at getting things back to normal, or as normal as it could be when your husband had produced an offspring with the woman he cheated on her with. Meredith was sitting outside, on the deck, reading through some new research that had come out on the 3D printing of organs, when she looked up, she watched as Derek chased Zola and Bailey around their yard. She had smiled at the sound of her children's laughs, as their father caught them, lifting bother of them up in his arms and swinging them around. Meredith could not deny the fact that Derek was a good father and that any child was lucky to have him as their father. In fact, that fact, was ultimately the reason she had decided to go a head with the whole thing. She could not imagine a better father for any child, than Derek. She went back to reading and it was not until the sun had faded into the darkness that she realized Derek was sitting next to her.

"Hey." He said, looking lovingly at his wife. He had given her the afternoon to do her research.

"Wow, it's almost eight o'clock." Meredith said, wondering where the time had gone.

"I've put the kids to bed, they want a bed time kiss, at some point. Well Zola did at least, I think I wore Bailey out this afternoon, he fell asleep half way through dinner." Derek admitted.

"Well it looked like you were having fun." Meredith said, a small glint flickered in her eyes.

"I cooked dinner, it's in the warming oven thing." Derek said.

"You mean the slow cooker?" Meredith said, raising her eyebrow, even she knew what that thing was called.

"Yes that thing." Derek said.

"How was your afternoon?" Derek asked, skimming over the first few pages Meredith had been reading.

"Interesting, the discoveries being made in this field are astonishing, every thing seems to be moving at lightning pace." Meredith said, her voice lighting up with the lust for knowledge, that often turned Derek on. Meredith had been thinking of applying for a grant to print a stomach but after reading all that research she had decided against it. From her previous grant she had discovered that the technology still had not caught up to the idea, or the dream. The scientists still need to perfect their part before the doctors started to dabble further. That said it still really interested her.

"I kept getting distracted by you and the kids." Meredith admitted, avoiding Derek's eyes.

"I'm sorry." Derek said.

"Don't be sorry." Meredith said. "It was not a bad thing, it was just, you all looked like you were having so much fun. The kids, they were so happy. I think they really missed you, missed having you around, missed being chased around the yard."

"I missed them." Derek said.

"I couldn't help but think that in a year, they'll be a third one, starting to crawl around, pulling itself up on things, getting into everything." Meredith smiled, remembering Bailey at that age, she had no memories of Zola at that age, because that was when Zola was with her foster family.

"There will."Derek said, with a small smile, he hadn't really thought of that.

"What are we going to tell Zola and Bailey?" Meredith asked, that question had been bothering her all afternoon, distracting her from her research.

"I don't know." Derek said honestly.

"What do you want to tell them?" He asked looking at Meredith, trying to read her, to understand her, but like those first few pages of research he was way out of his depth.

"You know we've never even discussed what we would tell Bailey about Zola." Meredith said.

"Because it's just so, it's a good story. But this, I don't want to tell our children that you stuck your penis in another woman and that's how they got a little baby sister, or brother. It would not be fair to the child either." Meredith said.

"I know." Derek admitted.

"So what are we going to tell it, because I don't want to lie either?" Meredith asked.

"That I was lost, confused and wrong. That I made a mistake, that I hurt you in a way I can never be sorry enough for. That you were kind and incredible and you somehow managed to forgive me for the horrible horrible mistake I made. We will tell the child that it being in our lives was not a mistake though, it was the silver lining to a very dark and horrid stormy cloud, it was the silver lining that turned into the rainbow." Derek said, the words just falling out of his mouth.

"That's way to corny." Meredith said, with a giggle, she liked what he had said, it worked in a way, an odd unconventional way, which was in a way their way.

"Are you sure you want to tell them about the mistake?" Meredith asked, most parents didn't delight in exposing their indiscretions to their children/

"But what are we going to tell everyone else, well at least every one who is not in ear shot of the hospital." Meredith said, she assumed most of the hospital staff had already drawn their own conclusions of them and what was going on, after her shouting match in the cafeteria. Meredith and Derek had learnt long ago to let the people at the hospital think what they wanted about them, it didn't matter at the end of the day anyway what the nurses or orderlies gossiped about in the corridors.

"Like who?" Derek asked.

"Like, well your mother for one and Cristina, and your other sisters." Meredith said.

"That, may be just a bit harder." Derek said running his hands through his hair.

"I mean we'll, I'll have to. My mother is going kill me, she loves you." Derek said.

"Well you should have thought about that before you went sticking your penis into places it shouldn't be." Meredith said, with smirk.

"I thought we were trying to work as a team." Derek said, he knew Meredith was joking, in a way, but in a way she also was not and her words still cut him deep.

"We are, but you left yourself wide open." Meredith said, swatting at Derek's shoulder.

"We could just not tell my mother." Derek said, half joking half serious, maybe a bit less than half serious.

"That's not going to work, Zola talks to her every other week on the computer and Bailey's starting to call her Nana, I mean give them two weeks after the babies born and that plan goes right out the window." Meredith said.

"You should do it sooner than later." Meredith said.

"I know." Derek said.

"What are you going to tell or Cristina, or when?"

"Cristina lives in Switzerland now, I think I can spare a little more time before dropping this on her, besides I think she needs time to cool down after I told her you cheated on me in the first place. She may just come out here and chop your penis off if I tell her this now." Meredith said with a grin.

"So you don't want my penis chopped off?" Derek asked with a lust filled grin.

"Maybe not, not today anyway." Meredith smiled.

"Today." Derek said, raising his eyebrows.

"Not today Derek, not until, you at least call your mother and tell her about the silver lining" Meredith said, teasing him, she was not quite ready for sex again and she knew Derek was respecting her boundaries but that did not mean she did not enjoy teasing her husband.

"I'll call her right now, then." Derek said pulling out his phone, much to Meredith chagrin.

"Really." Meredith said.

"I've got to do it at some point, rip off the band-aid" Derek said

"No, you've got to peel it gently so it doesn't hurt." Meredith said, remembering the argument she had had with Zola, a few weeks ago, after she scrapped her knee.

"I'm dialing her now." Derek said pressing call on the phone.

"Hi Mom."Derek said into the phone. Meredith just stared at him

* * *

So, another semi cliff hanger, but don't despair, I am sure to update soon. Until then feel free to indulge in my procrastinating fueled rant at the complaining mystery reviewer, who yes did resurface, which just makes me laugh and my keyboard chatter.

You know it's funny, my favorite complaining guest reviewer, made an interesting observation which I would like to counter with this. If I wrote every single moment of the characters in this stories lives, i would not finish in 2016, I would probably not finish for a decade, of I had to get through every single moment in their lives in the time frame of the story, plus I am pretty sure no one would be very interested in reading something along the lines of- so I woke up and put my left foot out of bed, and then my right, as I wiggled my toes stretching them against the wooden floor boards paved the floor, I noticed the floor was chilly for an April morning, perhaps it might rain today I thought as I stood. I thought about yawning, but it just, it did just not feel like a yawning kind of day, I was awake, even if I was sleepy, from a restless night. the clock read 6:04 so I decided to walk carefully into my bathroom, and relinquish my need to go to the toilet... and I mean I could go on and on but I don't want to kill anyone with boredom and I am not over 70, so it's just not as hilarious or endearing as when a seventy year old details their whole entire day. My point is, in writing not pointing something in does not mean it did not happen, choosing to not say something does not mean a writer is ignorant or sloppy it just means that the writer chose for whatever reason that that detail you are fixated on, was not something they thought was necessary for you to fixate on, or maybe they just wanted to mess with your mind. Anyway, in case your closed minded mind, is struggling to come to terms with this and keeping you up at night, Meredith and Derek are doctors like you pointed out and I mean it is really not hard to imagine them or Derek rather, getting a blood test done with out having it being a big thing that I have to write a chapter on, thus further prolonging the finish date of this story, which despite your predictions I really don't see it take until 2016. Anyway, I said I was in a procrastinating mood at the start didn't I.

Cheers,

Lumae


	32. Chapter 32

So procrastinating won out, like it always does. So here's another chapter for today, so if you have't read 31 go back and do it, I'm forgoing the massive chapters today because who know's I might still have another chapter in me, you know it's probably always a good idea with me to double check you read the last chapter given I am known to post multiple chapters in one day. I hope you enjoy it. - Lumae

* * *

"Hi Mom." Derek's voice came through the phone.

Meredith, went to move away, she did not feel like it was her place to intrude on a mother and son conversation, at least that's what she wanted to tell herself, but Derek's hand grabbed her arm and his eyes pleaded with her to stay, he wanted her there, he wanted her to hear what he had to say.

Carolyn had not been expecting her son to call her, not that she did not appreciate the call, or wish that he called her more frequently, but he was a busy adult, with his own life and his own job and as much as she often wished she could embed herself in his life, she knew it was not her place.

"Hello, Derek, how are you." Carolyn said.

"I'm fine mom." Derek said, even though that may not have been the truth it was what his mother wanted to hear, he was not going to rip the bandaid off, with out any notice.

"How are Meredith and the kids?" Carolyn asked.

"They fine, great, Bailey's learning more and more new words by the day and Zola's decided she is going to be a ballerina in a yellow tutu when she grows up and a surgeon." Derek said, forgetting for a second why he had called his mother.

"Naturally." Carolyn chuckled, she always liked to hear the antics of her grandchildren, particularly the ones she hardly ever got to see.

"They'll be all grown up before you know it." Carolyn said.

"So Mom, I did not just call, for a chat." Derek started, looking at Meredith, he had to do it a some point.

"I thought as much." Carolyn admitted, it was not often that her son called her, for no reason.

"What is it Derek." Carolyn said, she was a lady who liked things to be told to her straight, not sugar coating, cut to the chase.

"I made a mistake." Derek said, looking at Meredith, he had said that so many times, since that night she had called him, he put his phone on speaker, so Meredith could her his mother.

"What did you do." Carolyn said, sounding irate, she suspected her son had made a big mistake and she wasn't not sure she wanted to hear what he had done.

"Is this about DC, your sister told me you quit your job and moved back to Seattle?" Carolyn asked, she hoped Derek had not gotten on the phone to whine about his life not working the way he wanted it to, she had raised him to not wallow in his self pity.

"Not exactly." Derek said.

"Then what is is?" Carolyn asked.

"My life, I kept making wrong turns, wrong choices, I kept, I could not get a hold of my life. It was wrong decision after decision. I was angry and hurt and I was hurting everyone around, hurting Meredith and Amelia, I couldn't, I couldn't make it work and I thought that was my low point, but it wasn't and it wasn't ever the beginning of the hurt I have inflicted on my family."Derek said.

Derek took a deep breath in, it was now or never.

"I cheated on Meredith." Derek admitted, feeling ashamed of himself all over again, he looked at Meredith, she was not looking at him.

"How could you Derek!" Carolyn hissed into the phone, shocked and ashamed at her son.

"How could you cheat on the woman who is the mother of your two beautiful children. How could hurt the love of your life." Carolyn said growing angry.

"I raised you to be better than that" Carolyn shouted down the phone.

"And after everything you two have been through, everything she has done for you, you turn around and do this to her."Carolyn continued to rant at Derek.

"I'm sorry." Derek said, though he wasn't sure if he was saying sorry to his mother or Meredith again.

"Don't say sorry to me Derek, I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." Carolyn said.

"Have you even told her?" Carolyn asked, "When did this happen anyway, are you two getting a divorce?"

"Of course I've told her." Derek said.

"I'm just so ashamed of you, Derek. It's just, this is a new low. What were you thinking, did you even consider you children, you obviously did not consider Meredith." Carolyn said, her words hurt Derek just like when she scolded him as a child, but now they hurt so much more.

"I don't want to hash over the details, that's not why I called, why we called." Derek clarified, looking at Meredith.

"Well then why did you, wait we, who is we?" Carolyn asked, concern lacing her voice had her son left his wife, she hoped not.

"Meredith and I." Derek said.

"You are on speaker phone mom." Derek said, as Meredith fidgeted, this was not what they had discussed.

"Meredith's there, with you?" Carolyn said puzzled, she loved Meredith, dearly, like her own daughters, but she knew Meredith had not had an easy life and had been known to run at the slightest scent of trouble and Carolyn would not have blamed her for running from Derek.

"Hi, Carolyn." Meredith said, softly, speaking up for the first time.

"Meredith dear," Carolyn paused, mystified by the strength of her daughter in law.

"I, I don't know what to say." Carolyn said.

"My son is a fool and a moron for cheating on you."Carolyn finally said.

"I now." Meredith admitted, she wanted to say so much more, but this conversation was not really about Derek cheating.

"Mom, Meredith forgave me, she forgave me." Derek said, looking into his wife's' eyes, a tear running down his face, he still could not thank her enough for what she had done, for her forgiveness and her massive heart. He still knew he did not deserve her. She was the most remarkable thing in his world. She reached out and touched his hand, a comforting sign.

"I forgave him." Meredith said, she did not want Carolyn to start talking about how Meredith was a bigger person or how great a person Meredith was for forgiving Derek, that thought made Meredith feel uncomfortable and less of a person.

"Mom, I didn't call to tell you I cheated on Meredith." Derek said, speeding the conversation along.

"Then why did you tell me?" Carolyn asked confused. It seemed rather odd to call your mother and tell her that you cheated on your wife, if that was not the reason you called.

"It's part of the story." Derek said, if he did not tell her the start the end would certainly make no sense and the middle would have been confusing.

"What's the other part?" Carolyn asked.

"She pregnant." Derek said, looking away from Meredith, she was on board but that did not mean it did not hurt her.

"Who Meredith, that's wonderful." Carolyn said, she had never been told in so many words, but she had assumed that they had had fertility problems, since they had adopted Zola and it wasn't until Meredith was well in her second trimester with Bailey that they had told her about him.

"Meredith's not pregnant, Mom." Derek said, he had wished every day since they had found out that Natalie was pregnant, that it was Meredith who was carrying his child and he knew whilst his mother had not meant to hurt Meredith, what she had said, hit a nerve, Meredith was facing away from Derek.

"No, Derek, really. Derek what did you do to your life?"Carolyn said defeated and saddened.

"I messed up. I really messed up Mom. But I can't undo what I did, the women I betrayed, she's pregnant with my child and she does not want the child." Derek said, for some reason when ever he said that Natalie did not want the child he felt sad, maybe it was because he thought he might be the reason Natalie had stopped herself from loving her own child.

"So what?" Carolyn asked confused, what was her son saying.

"Mom, Meredith and I have agreed to adopt the child." Derek finally said.

"What? I don't understand" Carolyn said even more shocked, was Derek trying to give her a heart attack tonight.

"Carolyn," Meredith said, "We have decided to raise the child together, to let Zola and Bailey know their sibling, it's not the child's fault, Derek made a stupid mistake."

"Wow." Carolyn said, she was surprised and impressed by the level of Meredith's forgiveness and the size of her heart.

"I don't think I could have ever done that." Carolyn admitted, she had loved her husband, but if she were in Meredith's shoes, she was not sure she would have stood by him.

"I can live without Derek, I could leave him, I know I could, but I don't, I don't want to. I love him." Meredith said, there were a million reasons why she could leave Derek, a million reasons to run, to flee, to fall apart, but the one reason, she had found to stay turned out to be a hell of a lot more important than the million reason to leave, love was a powerful thing, that was not always clear cut, and crystal clear like a diamond.

"Derek, I hope you realize who remarkable your wife is." Carolyn said, with true admiration and honesty.

"I know." Derek said looking at Meredith.

"I think it's time I came and paid you both a visit, and Amelia." Carolyn said as Meredith's eyes grew wide.

"We really don't need that." Meredith said, she loved Derek's Mom, but she had never really been good with mother's.

"Nonsense." Carolyn said as Meredith and Derek heard and the door open, they turned around and saw Zola standing there.

"Zola, sweetie, what are you doing out of bed?" Derek asked, looking at his daughter, standing there clutching her lion.

"You said, Mommy would come and tuck me in, so I lay, there, trying to keep awake and I waited by Mommy never came." Zola said, crawling into her mother's lap and wrapping her arms around her.

"I'm sorry Zola, we just lost track of time." Meredith said.

"What are you doing?" Zola asked, closing her eyes, she really was quite sleepy.

"We're just talking to Nana." Derek said, as Zola's eyes shot open and her face came to life.

"Nana, is Nana on the phone." Zola said, surprised.

"I am, Zola." Carolyn said.

"Nana Bailey's asleep because he's a baby." Zola said matter of factually.

"And I'm a big girl." Zola said, providing rationale for why she was awake.

"Zola how would you like it if Nana came to visit you and your brother in Seattle?" Carolyn asked.

"Here, in Seattle, not on the phone or the Ipad?" Zola asked quizzically, she had only seen her grandmother a few times in person.

"Yes, and I'd get to visit Amelia as well." Carolyn said.

"Aunty Amelia and Uncle Owen." Zola said, because in her mind they were now a pair.

"And Uncle Owen." Carolyn said intrigued.

"Amelia's boyfriend." Meredith said quietly.

"Amelia has a boyfriend?" Carolyn said surprised, clearly there was a lot going on with her children, in Seattle and the only way she was going to figure exactly what was going on was by going there and seeing for herself.

Meredith looked down at Zola, who's eyes had once again grown heavy with sleep.

"I think it's time I went and tucked Zola into Bed." Meredith said, standing up with Zola clinging to her.

"Say Goodnight Nana." Meredith said, as Zola mumbled a sleepy good night.

"And give Daddy a kiss." Meredith said lowering Zola down, so Derek could kiss her.

"Goodnight Daddy." Zola whispered.

Meredith walked back inside, placing a now sleeping Zola in bed.

"Good night Zozo." Meredith whispered, placing a kiss on her daughters forehead.

Meredith thought about getting up and going back outside, but she thought she would let Carolyn talk to Derek alone, so she decided to lay down next to her daughter. She closed her eyes, and wrapped her arms around the little girl, listening to her daughters soft breaths, she started to wonder, would she be able to feel the way she did about Zola, with this new baby. Or would it be all different.

* * *

So how was that? Let me know what you think. This week, I will be doing more friendly chapters than I had intended, purely because it would appear everyone is freaking out about what is about to happen on the show, so I won't add to anyone's stress. Also fun fact, I often notice that a lot of other fanfic writers of longer stories, discuss how they have it all planned out and chapters banked, for the record, I do it all on the spot, most chapters take about 20-45 minutes for the longer ones and most of the time I start writing with very little for thought into where the chapter may go. Anyway, hope you liked it, I'll try and update soon but for now goodnight.

Cheers,

Lumae


	33. Chapter 33

Three chapters in one afternoon, I am on a roll, plus they aren't even short chapters and the thing I was procrastinating about, turns out isn't due for a whole entire week, so I am happy. Anyway, if you haven't read chapter 31 or 32 please go back and do so or I might have to give you an evil stare. - Lumae

* * *

After Meredith had left to tuck Zola in, Derek had sat out there for what seemed like hours, listening as his mother scolded him for being such a fool and lectured him in just how lucky he was to have found a woman like Meredith. He honestly did not need to be told that, he knew exactly how lucky he was to have Meredith, but he sat and listened none the less. He confided in his mother about all his fears and how his life hadn't been working for along time. His mother was glad he was making it work instead of just complaining. She told him she would be flying to Seattle in a fortnight, it was Amelia's birthday and she wanted to meet Amelia's new boyfriend. Derek did not tell her that she already knew Amelia's boyfriend. Once he hung up, he waited hoping Meredith would come back, but she didn't so walked inside looking for her. He found her, lying in Zola's bed, her loving arms wrapped around their daughter. He had smiled, his two favorite women in the whole world, were peacefully sleeping, well Zola was, Meredith was snoring loudly, but Derek had always found peace in that. Derek had, hesitated, before climbing into the small bed, and wrapping his arms around his girls. He wondered what it would be like with a new baby. He had not meant to fall asleep, he had intended just to rest there and absorb the moment, but he had fallen asleep.

They had all woken the next morning, Derek's arms still wrapped around Meredith and Zola. Zola had mumbled something about them having their own bed to sleep in. Which had caused Meredith and Derek both to laugh. Bailey had clearly gotten himself out of his crib, much to Meredith and Derek's surprise as the little boy came toddling into Zola's bedroom, his arms beckoning at his father to lift him up.

"He smells." Zola said, wrinkling her nose.

"I'll go change him." Derek had said, lifting the little boy into his arms and that was how their morning had started, as a family.

"So you've got that appointment today." Meredith said to Derek, as they walked towards the attending lounge after dropping the kids off at daycare.

"Yep, 12 O'clock."Derek said, looking to the ground.

"What's at twelve o'clock." Amelia's interrupted.

"Good morning to you too Amelia." Derek said.

"Twelve O'clock?" Amelia pestered, but got no answer.

"It's one of those things is it." Amelia finally said as they reached the attending lounge. No one said anything but they did not need to.

"I'll see you later." Derek said, before kissing Meredith on the cheek and walking toward his office.

"What was that?" Callie asked as Meredith poured herself a cup of coffee.

"What was what?" Meredith asked, sitting down next to Amelia, trying to pretend her life was normal.

"The kissing and the you know being civil to your cheating husband thing." Alex said, joining in on the conversation. He was struggling to gain a grip on Meredith's life these days.

"The last time you were here, you were shouting at the woman Derek cheated on you with and then running off and nobody had heard from you since, and now you turn up here, with your husband and even letting him kiss you, it's just, what is going on Meredith?" Maggie said equally as bewildered as the other two.

"Hey, I've seen her since." Amelia countered.

"You basically live with them." Callie countered, "Now spill."

Meredith looked at them, she was not sure what to say.

"Did you have a total mental breakdown and have blocked everything out?" Alex asked.

"No, I am fine." Meredith said.

"So then what is going on?" Callie and Maggie both asked.

"Derek and I are working things through." Meredith said. It was simple and true, Meredith did not feel like sharing all the intimate details of her life with everyone.

"What does that mean, working a divorce through, working through a crossword, you have to give us something to go on."Callie all but demanded.

"Meredith please, everyone's been gossiping around the hospital about what is going on. There are so many rumors, which we've been ignoring." Maggie said.

"Yeah like you've run off with the shrink." Alex chuckled.

"That one faded pretty quickly." Maggie said.

"Or there's the one where Natalie, is that her name, they never seem to get her name right, anyway, she was supposedly your surrogate but Derek fell in love with her and now he's leaving you for her." Callie said.

"That one is not true obviously." Alex said.

"There's the one where he is going back to his ex-wife Addison." Maggie said.

"Well that one's certainly not true, she's married." Amelia said, laughing.

"There's the one where Derek knocked up twelve of his staff in DC and that's why he had to quit and that Meredith was going to castrated him and but decided against it and now it's all going to be very big love-y, in the dream house in the woods." Amelia said, with a coy grin on her face.

"I haven't heard that one." Callie said.

"Me neither." Alex and Maggie agreed.

"That's because I made it up just then." Amelia said.

"Look, rumors be damned Meredith is our friend, your friend and she has said that her and Derek are working it out, Isn't that enough, why do you need all the details, you obviously know all those outlandish rumors are incorrect." Amelia said standing up for Meredith.

"It's fine Amelia, they are just looking out for me. Look Derek and I are working it out. We decided to work it out. To be together and," Meredith said pausing, "To raise the baby together."

"Wow," Callie said, "That's very big of you."

"If he ever hurts you again, I will punch him." Alex said getting up, he had rounds and the little children did not like waiting for rounds. Callie's pager went off and she went to.

"Well I suppose congratulations are in order, your having another baby" Maggie said getting up and moving over to hug Meredith.

"Thank you Maggie." Meredith said, it was nice for someone to stop treating the whole thing as a completely negative thing.

"You know Maggie, you were part of the reason I chose to go through with it." Meredith admitted, it was the other part.

"I love having you in my life and could not help but wonder what my life would have been like with you in it. I know you had great parents that you love and that Ellis giving you up was probably one of the best things she could do for you. But I didn't have great parents, my mother was never there and my father never fought for me. I grew up alone with no family. I wish I had my sisters growing up with me, I don't want to deprive Zola and Bailey of having a sibling in their life." Meredith said.

"That's so sweet." Maggie said.

"And I wish I had known you growing up too." Maggie said.

"Look while that's all very sweet, what exactly is happening at twelve o'clock." Amelia said.

"Natalie decided she wanted an Amniocentesis." Meredith said.

"So she's what 15weeks along?" Maggie asked and Meredith nodded.

"Are they looking for anything in particular or is it a paternity test?" Maggie asked.

"A bit off both, all though I think it will be Derek's she has been very willing to have a paternity test and very sure that Derek is the father and her boyfriend, he seems like the type that wouldn't mind having a kid, so I doubt he'd be going along with the whole thing if he thought it was his child." Meredith admitted, she had already resided herself to the fact that the paternity test would come back with Derek as the father.

"What are they looking for then?" Maggie asked curious.

"I don't know, I think Natalie might be worried about something being wrong, her sister died when she was young, she had some disease." Meredith said, she hadn't asked Derek what the concern was.

"What was wrong with her?" Maggie asked.

"I can't remember, I think it was whatever disease Natalie is researching." Meredith said, wishing she could remember.

"I'm sure it will be fine." Amelia said getting up and leaving in search of Derek.

She found him, in his office.

"Hi." She said knocking on the door.

"Amelia." Derek said looking up from something.

"So I heard about the amniocentesis." Amelia said, sitting down across from Derek.

"Uh huh." Derek said.

"What's wrong with the baby?" Amelia asked.

"Nothing, I think, I hope. A lot of people get amniocentesis' these days, doesn't mean anythings wrong." Derek said, looking back at the papers.

"Derek, things don't always work out the way they are suppose to." Amelia said, and something in her voice caused Derek to look up.

"Amelia what's wrong?" He asked.

"Everything." She said, as tears started to fall down her face.

"Amelia why are you crying?" Derek asked growing concerned, even growing up, Amelia had not been one to cry.

"I was pregnant once." Amelia said.

"Was?" Derek asked shocked, he never knew.

"When?" He asked.

"It was Ryan's." Amelia said, but Derek looked at her clueless.

"The man who overdosed next to me." Amelia said and Derek got it, Amelia did not like that she had to refer to Ryan like that.

"So what happened?" Derek asked, somewhat more confused, he had seen her after she was out of rehab and she had not seemed pregnant.

"The baby, he, he was a he, he had anencephaly." Amelia said as Derek's face fell.

"Oh, I am so sorry Amelia." Derek said, getting up and hugging Amelia, it felt good to be in her brothers arms, he always made her feel safe.

"So you." Derek paused, he was pro choice but was not necessarily a fan of abortions but he completely understood why Amelia would have wanted one.

"No Derek, I went to full term." Amelia, said, pulling back slightly from Derek's embrace.

"Wait, so you must have been pregnant when you came out here that time. Why didn't you tell me, I could have helped you." Derek said.

"Nothing could have helped me. Plus I didn't know at that stage, I was over twenty weeks along when I found out about the condition. His father was already dead and I blamed myself, I still blame myself for that, I wasn't about to take away whatever life he had." Amelia said.

"That must have been incredibly hard for you." Derek said.

"It was, so hard, I donated his organs, his life saved so many other lives." Amelia said, he son was destined to die, but in dying he may have changed the destiny of some many other lives.

"That was a very big thing for you to do. I wish you would have told me." Derek said, as Amelia sat down.

"I might have but then the plane crashed and you and Meredith where missing and then they found you all and Meredith's sister died and then Mark and there was enough sadness in your life. I didn't want to put more on your plate " Amelia said

"Amelia there is always room for you." Derek said.

"He would have been three today." Amelia said, softly.

"Well Happy Birthday to him." Derek said, shedding a tear for the nephew he would never meet.

"My point is Derek, things don't always work out the way you want them to." Amelia said.

"I know." Derek said, his life was not immune to disaster by a long shot.

"I hope the amnio goes fine." Amelia said.

"So do I." Derek said, now feeling slightly worried for the first time. He had been so caught up not getting attached to the baby at first, missing Meredith, trying to fix his life that he had avoided worrying about the baby and had only just really started to care for it.

"What are you doing here anyway, what are you reading?" Amelia asked.

"Meredith's notes, from her portal vein printing project." Derek said.

"Why the brain did not have portal veins the last time I checked." Amelia said.

"Still don't." Derek chuckle.

"Then why?"

"There was funding through the NIH sitting there for a massive 3D printing project. I think Meredith's work was just what they were looking for. But they aren't advertising this grant, so she wouldn't know about it." Derek said.

"She printed a tumor while you were in DC." Amelia said

"That's the kind of person they are looking for." Derek said.

" So what are you doing."

"After Bailey was born, I promised Meredith that I would step back and let her shine and I broke that promise, it was the first of many promises. She loved that research project and I made it almost impossible for her. I want to give her that year back, I want to give her the opportunity I took from her back." Derek said.

"You are really trying to make it up to her aren't you." Amelia said with a smile.

"I am." Derek said.

"I'm glad Derek." Amelia said getting up.

"I hope the Amnio goes well." Amelia said as she paused at the door.

"Thanks, and one more tiny thing, Mom's coming to Seattle to visit." Derek said.

"What!"

"We called her last night, I don't think I am the golden child anymore and Zola might have let slip that you and Owen are dating." Derek said with a slight smirk.

"You and your cheating ways, they effect all of us you know." Amelia said, with a laugh.

"Hey, at least I gave you a heads up." Derek said, as Amelia closed his door.

Derek spent the rest of the morning looking into the grant and making phone calls, he thought he could make it work. Just before he was about to leave for the appointment, his phone buzzed and he picked it up. It was Meredith.

"Hey, are you waiting in the car I was just leaving." Derek said.

"About that Derek, I have a surgery, that's come up." Meredith's voice said.

"I can't make it, I'm sorry." Meredith said.

"That's okay." Derek said, feeling slightly dejected.

"You don't sound like that's okay." Meredith countered.

"It's just been an interesting sad morning." Derek said.

"Are you nervous about the Amnio?" Meredith asked.

"Yes, no. That's not what I'm upset about." Derek said, grabbing his coat of the back of his chair.

"What is wrong then?"

"Amelia told me she had a baby with anencephaly, he would have turned three today." Derek said.

"I know, she told me that day Natalie arrived in Seattle." Meredith said, though she did not know today was Amelia's ill fated baby's birthday.

"You already knew." Derek said, surprised.

"Yeah, I've really got to go now, I love you and I hope the appointment goes well." Meredith said.

"I love you too." Derek before hanging up.

The appointment, was quick and easy, Derek had relished the chance to see his baby again and Dr Clementine was far less awkward than the last time. Natalie and Trevor had come together, leaving Derek to wonder, whether the two of them ever got any work done. The procedure had gone off with out a hitch and now all he had to do was wait. Dr. Clementine had said she would put a rush on the results, sometimes it helped being a fancy doctor, and he would have the results sent to him by 8 am the next morning . The next few hours were a tense waiting game, he could hardly focus at work, for the rest of the afternoon and Derek was thankful tomorrow was Saturday and he had the day off. When he and Meredith finally got home, he had been too tired and emotionally drained to discuss the grant with Meredith. They had gone to sleep in the same bed that night, but this time it was theirs.

Just before 8am the next morning, whilst Meredith and Derek were still in bed, Derek opened his email account on the ipad and saw there was an email from Dr Clementine.

"Derek whatever that email says I will be here for you."Meredith said, kissing his shoulder, before resting her head there.

"It's now or never. Derek said, pausing before clicking on the email.

* * *

I am an arse aren't I. Even I will concede that was mean. But I have a reason and it's not just to keep you all coming back for more. Let me know what you all think, or thought rather of that chapter and what you think will happen in the next chapter, here's a hint the Baby's gender among other things maybe revealed, maybe you can try and guess, you have a fifty fifty shot. Anyway there probably won't be a fourth chapter tonight, it would kind of defeat that epic cliff hanger. But I shall endeavor to hook you all up with an another chapter before the next episode comes out, plus I got a great idea for a one shot from this chapter which I will try and post soon. Anyway that's enough for now, hope you all have a fantastic day.

Cheers,

Lumae


	34. Chapter 34

So, the next chapter, I felt like it was the least I could do today for all you out there who's hearts are hurting. It has ended up being a lot more friendly than I was gong to, consider it a gift from - Lumae

* * *

They stared at the results, they where black and white, Derek was the baby's father. In a way Meredith was relieved, it would have sucked to have had to go through all the emotional pain and turmoil over the last few weeks, for nothing.

"Well that settles that." Meredith said, that tiny flicker of hope she had that this was all just a bad dream faded quickly. She look up at Derek who's eyes were still firmly fixed on the screen.

"I guess it does." Derek said not looking away he continued to read through the preliminary results, no signs of down syndrome or Edwards syndrome, that was good. and then his heart stopped.

"It's a girl." Derek said, a small smile spreading across his face.

"A girl." Meredith said, surprised, she had forgotten that Amniocentesis' would show the babies gender.

"You're having a daughter." Meredith said with a smile, so faint it was hard to see.

"We're having a daughter." Derek reminded Meredith.

"Zola will be happy, she'll have someone to have tea parties with, Bailey just doesn't cut it according to her." Meredith mused.

"I guess the rest of the results will come in the following weeks." Derek said, some of the more complex genetic screens could take weeks.

"Are you happy?" Meredith asked.

"That it's a girl?"Derek asked, not sure what Meredith was asking about.

"Well at least she won't be able to pee all over us like Bailey used to."Derek smirked, remembering the many occasions he had been doused in his son's urine.

It was a relief, everything was normal, or as normal is it could be when someone else was carrying your child. Derek looked at Meredith, his eyes burned bright, he loved her more than anything, but what she was doing for him, made her more than extraordinary.

"I love you." Derek said, pressing his lips against hers.

"I love you too." Meredith said, breathing in the moment.

"I just, I wanted you to know, that I love you more than anything, and can't thank you enough." Derek said, kissing her again, this time with more passion, more energy. Meredith kissed him back, this time with even more passion, the Ipad and the email, was quickly thrown out of the bed, where to be honest all Ipad's belong.

Their bodies started to meld together, as their shirts fell alongside the Ipad. Their hearts began to beat as one as the desire for one another became overwhelming. They were two loves, destined to be. Two people who despite all the twists and turns life had served them, they had some how, found away through the darkness. The love illuminated, even the darkest landscape. The essence of them combined, in a moment that seemed to last forever, this was them, physically connecting, as the world melted away. This was them.

As they lay on the bed, the sheets tangled in a knot around them, Meredith sighed, she had been missing this. Missing them. It was good to be back to being them. Together, she knew they could work through anything and maybe it was not the accidental baby that had scared her, but the panic and fear that the baby would dislodge their life together. She had realized over the past few days, that nothing could come between them, not anymore at least.

"Do you want to go again." Derek chuckled, causing Meredith to smile, remembering all the other times, he had suggested a round number two.

"I'd love to, but I think our children, must be getting pretty hungry by now." She said getting up, wrapping her dressing gown around her.

"I'm going to go jump in the shower, do you want to join me?" She asked with a wicked smile, that just screamed sex.

Derek, grinned of course he did, he'd follow her to the end of the earth, just to be near her.

After their soapy, limb entangling shower sex, where Derek did the thing, the thing in the shower. They got dressed, because they were still adults, with children and unfortunately could not spend the whole day having sex, even if they wanted to, which they did.

"I want to take you out to dinner tonight." Derek said, looking at Meredith with a grin, as the watched Zola and Bailey play on the floor together.

"Dinner, really." Meredith said, raising an eyebrow, they rarely went out to dinner, surgeon's schedules alone did not fit well with restaurants, not to mention having two small children.

"Yes, dinner." Derek said.

"What's the occasion?" Meredith asked, jokingly.

"You." Derek said, so quickly, it made Meredith's heart pound.

"Amelia can watch the kids, and you and I can go sit in a candle lite room, with real food and big bowls of carbs in a basket." Derek said, with a knowing look.

"Okay, I guess I can't really say no to that can I."Meredith said, looking forward, to an evening spent alone with her husband, where they hopefully would not be arguing.

The day passed quickly and before Meredith knew it they were sitting in a secluded table, in a fancy restaurant. Derek was wearing a red shirt, not the good looking one she had fallen for so many years before, that one had fallen apart, it was the new red shirt, and Meredith quite liked it.

"What are you staring at?" Meredith asked.

"You, just thinking about how very pretty you are." Derek said, with a dreamy smile, Meredith blushed a bit.

"Derek, what did you do." Meredith joked, hoping she wouldn't kill the mood.

"Nothing, I just don't tell you that you are pretty as often as I think it." Derek said.

"Come on you've already gotten lucky twice today, and Derek, I am not adverse to a third or fourth even when we get home, you don't need to try so hard." Meredith smirked.

Their dinner came and they continued to make small talk, about the children and life in general. It was a pleasant evening and Meredith hadn't smiled this much in years. But she could not help but think the was another agenda behind the dinner.

"Derek what's going on?" She asked, once the dessert plates had been cleared and the bill had been paid.

Derek looked at her, it was a clear starry night in Seattle, a rare occurrence, they had parked their car at the ferry terminal as it was only a short walk to the restaurant.

"Let's take a walk." Derek said, with a smile Meredith could not say no to.

"Meredith." Derek started.

"Last year, I screwed up, I screwed up big time. I promised you I would take a step back and let you shine and didn't. You never got to shine and then I messed up even more and now here we are, you forgave me and I can be thankful enough for that. I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I can be the man that you deserve, because you do deserve better than me. You are my life. I want you to be able to shine. I know you are brilliant and an amazing surgeon and I feel guilty because I have been hiding that from the rest of the world, depriving them of your talent. I found a grant that will be perfect for you to do you 3D printing of organs. I want to let you shine, give you back what I took. When our new baby girl comes, I will take six months off work at least, to be with the kids. i want you to know that I believe you are an incredible, amazing, talented, extraordinary surgeon and I want you to be able to show the world." Derek said, looking at Meredith's eye's as tears welled in the corners.

"Derek, you are the man I love, the only one I will ever love. I know you feel like you have to do this and I am so very thankful for your gesture, it means a lot to me. I want you to know that but I don't want to do the research. I don't want the grant. Derek, I know I am a capable surgeon and maybe even better than my mother was but what I've learnt is surgery is not what is most important to me. You and the kids are, I don't want to save the world, or collect fancy awards, I want to spend time with my family. I think that's where my mother went wrong, she had this idea that surgery was the most important thing, but it's not. I don't need to be an extraordinary surgeon not when I can be an extraordinary person and a mother." Meredith said as Derek kissed her.

"You are amazing." Derek said.

"You are not so bad yourself." Meredith said.

"Derek we are going to have another daughter." Meredith said, a larger smile appearing on her face.

"We are." Derek said with a glint in his eye.

They finished walk back to the ferry boat terminal, Derek's arm draped around Meredith, they talked about the new baby, and how Derek was defiantly going to be on diaper changing and midnight feeding duty for the first six months. He was okay with that. As the rode the Ferry Boat back home, they found themselves having sex for the third time that day.

"Do you want to go again?" Derek asked as the finally made it home.

"Of course." Meredith smiled.

* * *

Sex scenes and happy stuff, are not my strong suits. Though I am not for killing people with trucks either. I hope you all enjoyed that chapter. I was going to update before the last episode came out, I really was I did not intended for you all to hang off the cliff for so long, but I got some stupid virus and that knocked me out for a while and then after the last episode, I decided to rewrite this chapter, you know for all those sad hearts out their. Also it is kind of weird writing for Derek now.

Anyway hope you all haven't decided to call it quits, at least not for this story.

Cheers and hugs,

Lumae


	35. Chapter 35

So, sorry to have taken so long to update this story, I had a couple of unfortunate weeks, but now after a concussion and a slightly broken humerus, which oddly enough happened in two very separate incidents, I shall endeavor to update more often.

* * *

Today was the day Derek's Mother was coming to Seattle and Meredith, well it was suffice to say, Meredith was freaking out, just a bit, or rather, maybe a bit bigger than just a bit, maybe a lot, defiantly a lot. She had not seen Carolyn, since just after Bailey was born and she was so exhausted at that stage, that she barely remembered the visit. Today, it would be different, Carolyn was coming for a week, plus it was Amelia's birthday today as well and Meredith was hurriedly trying to get the guest room was in the kitchen, making breakfast, the kids were somewhere, in the playroom he thought, he looked up as he heard the door open.

"Derek, I hate you!" Amelia said bustling through the front door, a cheery mess of anger.

"It's my birthday and now because of you, I have to actually celebrate it." Amelia muttered, sitting down at the kitchen counter and grabbing an apple and taking a bite.

"Happy Birthday." Derek said meekly, with a big grin. He knew how Amelia felt about celebrating her birthday, and the relationship she had with their Mother. Still it was her birthday and he was going to make her celebrate.

To be fair, it was not that Amelia did not love their Mother. She did, she adored her, but some people, just prefer loving their Mother's from a far, Amelia was one of those people. She felt smothered by her Mother's love. Amelia was a lot like Meredith in that respect, they liked their space.

"I hate you Derek." Meredith said walking into the kitchen carrying a pile of sheets.

"What is it I hate Derek day?" Derek asked with a smirk as he kissed his wife's cheek.

"Did you not watch the kids yesterday or something?" Meredith asked, glaring at Derek.

"I watched them." Derek said, confused to where this was going.

"Well then why are these sheets looking like an expression of modern art?" Meredith asked, dumping the pile of sheets at Derek's feet.

"Because I certainly did not go full Picasso on them, Amelia did you go Picasso on the sheets in the spare bedroom?" Meredith asked and Amelia shook her head, smiling.

"Zola!" Derek called out.

The little girl came running into the kitchen, her shoes on the wrong feet, the laces undone. She looked up at her father, and Derek could not help but smile.

"Did you paint on these sheets yesterday with your brother?" Derek asked trying to give the little girl a stern look, but failing miserably, he was not the strict parent.

"No, no I did not Daddy." Zola said, but her face said otherwise.

"Really, Zo, so if I put you in my mind reading machine at the hospital, will it agree." Derek asked, most people would threaten a lie detector, but Derek had taken a liking to referencing the emotional imaging machine.

"Maybe." Zola said, her eyes looking a way from her father.

"Zola." Derek said.

"Bailey started it, we ran out of paper, I'm sorry Daddy." Zola confessed looking up at her father.

"I forgive you, now lets go put these sheets in the washing machine before Grandma comes." Derek said, thankful that the kids used water based paints.

"I still hate you." Meredith joked, as Derek picked up the sheets and Zola.

"Same here." Amelia said, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"I don't hate you Daddy." Zola said wrapping her arms around her father.

"Don't ever change, Derek said, kissing his daughter.

"Happy Birthday, by the way." Meredith said to Amelia, who just shook her head.

"I don't like birthday's." Amelia reasoned.

"Fair enough, you spent the night at the trailer so it can't have been that bad of a morning." Meredith said with a sly smirk.

"Well I wanted to get some quiet, you and Derek seemed to be trying to get a week's worth of sex in last night." Amelia replied.

"Well it was not quite a weeks worth." Meredith smirked, remembering the sexual antics her and Derek had gotten up to the night before.

"Plus there was no sex in the trailer, I was prepping Owen for Mom's arrival." Amelia said, with a worried look on her face.

"She's going to love him." Meredith reasoned. Owen was after all a caring, handsome, loving, decorated soldier, who had a good job, any mother would love him.

"She really liked James." Amelia admitted. James was likable, plain boring, he had decent hair, her mother had liked him.

"So, but you didn't, well not enough to Marry him, so she should be okay with that." Meredith said.

"You'd think." Amelia said, but it was clear she did not think that. Amelia knew her mother had more than once, implied that when it came to her life, she was a one woman wrecking ball, unable to stop herself from destroying her own life.

"Owen's a good guy, she'll like him." Meredith said, but Amelia was not so sure.

Amelia just stared at out the window, she hoped her mother would like Owen, because she knew she was in love with him and that scared her, it scared her more than anything. The fact that she had spent the night in the trailer with him and they had not had sex and that was okay, the fact that she felt more safe wrapped in his arms than she had at any other point in her life, the fact that he never pushed her to talk but was always there to listen and how much she loved that. She was scared to admit she loved him, because most things she loved disappeared. She did not want Owen to disappear, she did not think she would be able to bare that.

The doorbell rang and Amelia, held her breath.

"She's here." She said simply and Meredith nodded as Derek came out, carrying Bailey.

"I'll get it." He said, staring at Amelia and Meredith who weren't moving.

"Mom." Derek said opening the door and letting the grey haired woman in. She smiled, ignoring her son and reaching out for her grandson.

"Look how big he's gotten." She said, rocking Bailey on her hip, Bailey giggled with delight.

"Where's Zola?" Carolyn asked, as Derek grabbed her bags.

"She's putting her shoes on, again." Derek said.

"Zola sweetie, your Grandma is here." Meredith called out for Zola, who came running out.

"Grandma." Zola said wrapping her arms around the woman.

"Hi Zola, you've gotten big too." She said, bending down to kiss her granddaughter.

"Bailey is still a baby but I'm a big girl now, aren't I daddy." Zola rambled, a trait she had undoubtedly picked up from her mother.

Carolyn smiled, she relished any interaction with her son's children. She stared up at Amelia and Meredith.

"Happy Birthday Amelia." Carolyn said, producing a perfectly wrapped gift from her bag.

"Thanks Mom." Amelia said, embracing her mother, in what Meredith could only describe as a halfhearted hug. Which was quickly cut short by the sound of pagers.

Amelia and Derek both looked at their pagers.

"Multiple head injuries." Derek said.

"We are going to have to leave." Amelia said, though she looked happy.

"I thought you to had the day off." Carolyn said frowning, she understood the demands of her children's jobs, but she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that she would not get to spend the day with them.

"I'm sorry Mom." Derek said, quickly hugging her before going to grab his things.

"I'm the head of neurosurgery, and Derek is actually on call." Amelia said, as Derek came back out with his keys.

"Oh well," Carolyn said.

"I guess I will just spend the day catching up with Meredith and the kids." She said, as Meredith cursed the fact that her pager had not gone off.

"I know you hate me but I love you" Derek whispered into Meredith's ear before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and walking out the door with Amelia.

"So, Meredith, how have things been?" Carolyn finally said.

Meredith sighed, this was so not the day she had planned.

* * *

Okay, so kind of short and bad, but I promise I will update soon, I mean barring anymore injuries. You might even get multi chapter updates, we'll see. Anyway thanks for all the reviews, (I mean bar the trolling kill Derek reviewer, who now seems to troll my other stories, I mean seriously, get a life.) Anyway hope you have all had a nice couple of weeks.

Cheers,

Lumae


	36. Chapter 36

Okay so my bad... I never exactly planned to abandon this story it just sort of happened, life and such got in the way and it just slipped further and further away and deleted all my files. Anyway I've got more time now and I essentially remember what I had planned and wanted to know if anyone out there wanted me to continue nd hopefully finish this story.

Let me know,

Cheers

Lumae

And once again my bad


	37. Chapter 37

Okay so it was a pretty unanimous yes, (though this chapter may just change everyone's response) so I have decided to keep going. I am going to be honest, from the get go, part of the reason I had not continued was I felt like I had written myself into a corner with adding Carolyn, so this chapter is really just me writing myself out of said corner as best as I could, not great, really just filler, but have fun.

* * *

This was not how today was suppose to go, Meredith thought as she sat outside on the deck, wallowing in her own self anguish, today just had not worked she thought as Carolyn walked outside. Meredith instantly wished she could disappear she had been avoiding talking to Carolyn all day and that was before everything went bad.

"Do you mind if I take a seat." Carolyn asked and Meredith nodded.

"I'm so sorry for today." Meredith said.

"You know I've always loved the silence of night, it just brings me such clarity and reasoning about life." Carolyn said.

"You have nothing to be sorry about dear."

"Today was terrible, my children were little monsters, the dinner was burnt and undercooked at the same time and somehow I managed to set Amelia and Derek off into some huge fight, yes I was winning today." Meredith said defeated.

"You know children are often monsters, it is just the way children are, and sometimes adults are very childish, also not something you can control, as for dinner, who cares." Carolyn said, with wisdom in her eyes.

"But that's not the problem is it Meredith." Carolyn said.

"I," Meredith paused, Carolyn was right, she had focused on all these superficial problems to hide the real big one.

"No." Meredith said.

"Today at the play ground before Zola and Bailey turned into little monsters, I was watching you interact with them, how you listened to Zola tell you about turtles and made Bailey giggle as you pushed him higher and higher on the swing, I could not help but think of my own mother." Meredith admitted, it had weighed on her chest all day.

"My own mother died before I had children, I always felt sad about that." Carolyn offered.

"It's not that, my mother would have been terrible with them, she wouldn't have had patience for Zola's incessant questioning or the interest in pushing Bailey on the swing. It's I was looking at my kids and my life and my mother made all this possible for me." Meredith gestured to everything around her.

"She paved the way for female surgeons, she made it possible for me to be a surgeon and have a family, she made people start to take female surgeons seriously, she fought an up hill battle for acceptance and equality and she gave up a lot for it. She gave up her love, a child, a great relationship with her remaining child, she gave it all up to be a surgeon and so that others could be surgeon. I spent years resenting her, I thought she had ruined my life but the truth is, she made decisions that made my life possible and easier. " Meredith admitted. It was true, if people like her mother and Catherine Avery had not been such trail blazers for women in medicine her life might not have turned out the way it should have.

"And then there is Natalie." Meredith finally said.

Carolyn paused, she had been waiting all day for someone to bring up Natalie.

"I am all for adoption, I love Zola just as much as I love Bailey and I could love another Baby just as much." Meredith said.

"But" Carolyn said.

"Zola was an orphan, this baby will not be an orphan, look there is not being able to take care of a baby, wanting it to have a better life than you could provide, there is even not wanting to be a mother, but Natalie does not seem to fit into any of these categories. She is a good person, even if she did sleep with my husband, she just seems like she is doing this for the wrong reasons. Like she is doing this because she feels guilty for sleeping with a married man and wants to make amends, which is stupid because I slept with Derek when he was married to Addison" Meredith finally admitted, she had been fretting over this for a while.

"I'm sure she has thought about this." Carolyn offered.

"I just, my mother gave up all these things so I didn't have to, I just don't want Natalie to give up a child because she feels she has to, because she doesn't and I would try talking to Derek about it but he's so excited and so am I, I just I need to know Natalie is doing this big amazing thing for all the right reasons." Meredith said.

"Maybe you should talk to Natalie about it." Carolyn said.

Meredith smiled, it was such a simple response but it was the only response.

"Maybe I will." Meredith said, as she heard Bailey start to stir through the baby monitor.

"Meredith before you go, thank you." Carolyn said.

"For what?" Meredith asked confused.

"For looking after my children. After their father died, I use to worry, all the time. They watched him die after all, I would lie awake and just worry and the worry only grew larger as they grew up, Amelia started to run of the rails, Derek seemed to get lost somewhere along the was as well and soon I found myself worried that they would never have a life that I had wanted for them, the damage of their fathers death had caused it's own unsalvageable impact on their lives. But after today, I don't have to worry. Amelia seems to have found her grip, I really like Owen. Derek, he is still and idiot sometimes but he is finally happy, like really happy and Meredith I think you are the reason why both my children have finally figured out life. Today, I can go to bed and not have to worry but would it be okay with you if I could bother you for a new pair of sheets, there seems to be paint on them." Carolyn said with a smile.

"Monsters, I told you." Meredith grinned, humbled by Carolyn's words.

* * *

Told you not great, maybe interesting, to some at least but the next chapter should be better and a lot a quicker than my last update space of like a year. Anyway how's everyone's life going and does anyone want me to continue with any of my other stories?

Cheers,

Lumae


	38. Chapter 38

Told you I would update quicker than last time. Enjoy

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me Natalie." Meredith said, as Natalie sat down, Meredith could not help but gaze at her bump, Meredith truthfully had not really liked being pregnant, it was tiring, uncomfortable and stressful but she had to admit there was still something magically cheesy about the whole thing.

"No problem." Natalie said quickly, still a little uncertain about why Meredith had wanted to have a catch up with her.

"No Derek." Natalie noted, unsure if that was a good or bad thing.

"He is spending the day with his mother."

"Can I get you anything." Meredith asked.

"I would kill for a milkshake." Natalie said.

"Milk shakes it is then." Meredith said before ordering.

As the two women waited for their drinks, they tried to make awkward small talk, but it was just like a jarring game of chess, where nothing was really happening.

"Why did you want to talk to me Meredith?" Nàtalie asked as their drinks arrived.

"I have some, concerns I guess, more questions." Meredith said.

"Go ahead." Natalie said, she wanted to get this over and done with.

"Look, I don't want to come across as one of those people who can't fathom how a person could not love their child, my best friend did not want children, my mother gave my sister up for adoption, I just I think I'm falling in love with your child, Derek's child, the baby and I'm scared that you have fallen in love with her too and that it is all going to go south." Meredith said as Natalie grew uneasy.

"The baby started kicking a couple of weeks ago." Natalie admitted.

"And at first it freaked me out because all of a sudden it became, more real, the baby has personality, she kicks when she hears sirens, and classical music or when I'm hungry." Natalie said,a slight smile on her face.

"Meredith I do love this child but I don't want to." Natalie said, as Meredith's face fell.

"Why don't you want to love her?" Meredith asked.

"I was pregnant once before, when I was younger. I was 18, it was Nigel's, the guy who liked to communicate with his fists, actually he only started really communicating with his fists after I found out I was pregnant. I know I was young and naive, but for some reason I thought everything was going to be okay. I brought onsie's and Nigel came home with a crib one day, and it was the first time in a long time that my life didn't feel like it was missing anything. Then one day we went to the OB, my baby had Down Syndrome and suddenly my life started to crumble." Natalie said.

"But I loved him anyway. Nigel was shattered I think, he had this picture of a perfect life and suddenly that life wasn't there and that's when he started to get angry and his fists started to swing, but only occasionally, which was still not okay but being young and naive I put up with it. We were going to keep him, I wanted to call him Ethan. Then when I was almost at my due date, I went into early labor and, he was born sleeping. Everything fell apart." Natalie said, a single tear falling down her face.

" I am weak, Meredith. I am a victim of my emotions. I'm not giving this baby up for adoption because I don't want it. I'm giving it up because I don't think I can take another loss. I don't want to be responsible for screwing up another person's child."Natalie said.

"I want this baby to be happy and loved and cared for and to grow up in a safe family. I want that for her more than anything." Natalie said.

"You love her " Meredith admitted. "But you don't want to."

"I love her but I don't want to." Natalie said with a sad smile, sometimes life was full of tough choices for the greater good.

"I was so happy when you and Derek said you'd take her, because Derek's a good guy and you are amazing."Natalie admitted.

" It's a relief to know she'll be growing up in a loving home, with a brother and sister." Natalie remarked.

"I was worried that you wouldn't be able to accept the baby, or want to. I mean it's a real imposition to impose on you, particularly after what I did, with you husband." Natalie admitted.

"I slept with a married man, Derek was married when we first met."Meredith said.

" I was this doe eyed intern, he was my boss, look Natalie I don't hold what you and Derek did against you, he was the one with commitments he was the one who made the mistake and I have forgiven him for that, so please don't let the fear of me stop you from making decisions about the baby."Meredith said.

"Thanks." Natalie said.

"How is the pregnancy going other wise

"You know how you asked what contact I wanted with the baby." Natalie said, pausing.

"Yes."Meredith said quietly, as she held her breath, this was the moment she had been dreading.

"I want to know she's okay, from time to time, maybe see her once in a while,from a distance maybe. I think I want her to know that I did what I did for her and for me. I want her to know I loved her even when I tried not to." Natalie conceded.

"Okay." Meredith said, as she looked at the young woman in front of her. This was an okay solution, one she could understand and grasp. She could let Natalie into the baby's life.

"Do you want to feel your baby kick?" Natalie asked all of a sudden.

As Meredith felt the baby kick, she couldn't help but be beside herself in awe, it was as magical as when she first felt Bailey kick,this was her daughter.

* * *

I sort of liked that chapter, I liked creating Natalie's back story and fleshing it out a bit, head up though, all is not as it seems. Loved the feedback,please review, let me know what you think.

Cheers,

Lumae


End file.
